She who is silent consents.

Never underestimate the power of stupidity.

The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse.

One cannot make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. But, it is amazing how many eggs can be broken without making an omelet.

Men and nations will react rationally when all other possibilities are exhausted.

If things were left to chance, they’d be better.

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Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

Money can’t buy love, but it can get you in a great bargaining position.

You never run out of things that can go wrong.

Every man (woman) has a scheme that will not work.

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

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The second day of a diet is easier than the first. By the second day you are off of it.

Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo.

Prayers are always answered. Unfortunately, the answer is usually “no.”

I am in the prime of senility.

The wages of sin are unreported.

The  more you cry, the less you have to pee.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.

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Scroll down for other brilliant one-line jokes, unless you have something better to do with your time, which I find hard to believe, and if you think you do have something better to do, your priorities are screwed up.

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An adult is someone who knows better.

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Things aren’t always what they seem. Usually they are worse.

Owners of digital watches. Your days are numbered.

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My short term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a nobody.
Nobody is perfect.
Therefore I am perfect.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Reality is an illusion that occurs only due to a lack of alcohol.

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“When God made man, she was only joking.” (Mrs. eGrumps)

“You’re an idiot, Mrs. eGrumps” (eGrumps)

An adult is someone who knows better.

Life is a bitch, and then you marry one — and then you die.

“The more I think of men, the less I think of them.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “You’re still an idiot, sweetheart.” (eGrumps)

“Those who think they can see through women are missing a lot.” (eGrumps)

A hangover is simply too much blood in the alchol stream.

No matter how great your triumphs, or how tragic your defeats, approximately One Billion Chinese couldn’t care less.

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A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.

He who laughs last hasn’t passed out yet.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women. But you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. (Mrs. eGrumps likes that one liner but what does she know, she married me.)

CAUTION: “Objects under T-shirts are larger than they appear.”

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

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Not tonight dear – I have a modem.

There is no gravity. Earth sucks!

To all you virgins – thanks for nothing.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. ________________________________________

Treat your wife with respect. Don’t hit her in front of her relatives.

Countless conflicts can be avoided by walking out on your wife for years at a time.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got a girlfriend.

I knew my wife was getting suspicious when she stopped reading Vogue and started reading Guns and Ammo.

Always speak to your wife is soothing, patronizing tones.

One common myth states that hitting is no way to solve a marital dispute, but studies show that is not always the case.

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Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.

If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a number of times.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Take the road not taken. The leaves crunch much louder.

A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words, depending on how good looking you are.

I have all the answers. It’s just that most of them are not right.

The more you cry, the less you have to pee.

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