1. The doctor told me I had to lose 10 pounds.

2. Over the next five years I would have gained 10 pounds.

3. If I keep my same eating habits and my weight steady, I will not gain 10 pounds over the next five years.

4. Therefore – I will have lost the ten pounds I did not gain.

It’s very simple – the government does it all the time. If it doesn’t increase spending, it will have lost the amount of the spending increase because it did not increase spending. ERGO – the government has reduced spending by not increasing spending.

If it works for them it’ll work for you – but perhaps you should not tell your doctor that you are following the eGrumps plan and how you intend to lose the 10 pounds.

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1. “Stay with me. I want to be alone.” (Joey Adams)

2. “I want to die young at a ripe old age.” (Ashley Montague)

3.”People have one thing in common. They are all different.” (Robert Zend)

4. “Only when a woman is openly bad is she really good.” (Publilius Styrus – 1st Century B.C.) (This one, for some reason is quite popular.)

5. “Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” (John Updyke)
(Try this with your girlfriend or boyfriend – It couldn’t hurt the seduction process – I think)

6.”Housework – If it is done right, it can kill you.” (John Skow)

7. “There is nothing so permanent as a temporary job in Washington.” (George Allen)

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As ourPresident might have said:

Bibi, old buddy – if  Israel will go back to its 1967 borders, America will give it, royalty-free, its plans for the fence separating the USA from Mexico.  The Director of Homeland Security has told me it has been very effective in keeping out the illegals, and I know she wouldn’t lie to me. If  it has worked for us, it will work for you in the same manner – it’s a win, win situation for Israel, the US and the Palestinians. Actually, it is a no lose proposition – for two out of three, and those are pretty good odds.

Bibi, I haven’t mentioned before, out alligator farms. We are breeding the biggest, meanest alligators ever seen, and they are all yours, free of charge. All you have to do is build a moat next to the foolproof fence (see above) and put the alligators in. My Secretary of Defense (and alligators are a defensive weapons system) has assured me they are cost effective, especially since they  have a tendency to breed rather rapidly. I know he wouldn’t lie to me. We are trying to solve the problem of determining the females and the males, but once that has been mastered, it’s all to your benefit. Unfortunately we lost three alligator sex determiners last week, and recruits are now not volunteering the way they did in the past, but that can be solved. We’re working on a solution. One of my aides suggested that would be a relatively easy way to reduce the number of Republican candidates who want to run against me, but there are some problems with that approach. Trust me – we’ll solve it.

Bibi, I can’t think of a better way to solve the “right of return” problem than by having them cross the moat, climb the fence, cut through the barbed wire, and cross the mine field before they qualify as lawful immigrants to Israel. You can even copy our amnesty program, as soon as we work out a solution, which we anticipate should be around 2024.
Bibi, our countries must cooperate in this endeavor, and we have taken a first step by showing you the way to lead the Iraelis out of bondage. If Moses could do it, so can you. Trust us.

Finally, Bibi, old friend, America is willing to give you the services of a prominent member of our Jewish community to help you. I know Lady GaGa would not refuse. Please give her a call. Put the charge on the White House telephone bill.   – we get a discounted rate.

(It is very hard to make fun of this very serious situation, but I’d rather take this approach, then to even suggest that the Israelis go back to the 1967 border – That’s about as unfunny as it can get. As your countrymen,, Mr. Prime Minister, have said “Never Again,” and I’m with you, sarcasm or not)

To: Robert M. Groves, Director U. S. Census

Dear Mr. Groves:

I have previously posted about your (our)(America’s) problem with the census you are taking. (See my posts of March 18 and March 22) I wrote about the enclosure letter I received with the census form and the separate letter that your Department subsequently sent. BOTH of them said, in effect – fill out the census form and mail it in right away. The problem was that the form asked for information  as of April 1, 2010, and your department wanted it mailed in prior to that date. By common logic,  common sense and basic intelligence, that information could not be provided accurately.

In case you can’t figure it out – let me state it again. I can not give you a report in March, 2010, telling you who is living in my house on April 1, 2010. I can’t tell you his or her sex, race or anything else about him or her, in advance – so stop bugging me.

Now – I have received a post card bearing your signature, you probably didn’t sign it personally,  stating “It is important that you respond…If you have not responded please provide your information…” I simply cannot do that, so stop wasting the government’s time and money asking me to do the impossible.

Somehow, Mr. Groves your conduct reminds me of Congress where they keep passing bills they haven’t read and don’t really understand the consequences. Your conduct casts a pall over the whole census procedure and should, I submit,  invalidate the census.  I don’t believe you have the guts to admit that you are invalidating the census procedure, but it should be retaken because you are telling everyone to do what can’t be truthfully done. You want the American public to lie, plain and simple.

You are making a mockery of U. S. Government statistics, but what else is new?

Cordially

eGrumps

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 Of course, if someone makes an offer, he may reconsider his position and perhaps even change his archaic  principles and endorse the First Amendment to the U. S. Constituion.  There is no sense in being dogmatic about these things. Ford, Chrysler, GM,  Mercedes, Lexus, Toyota, all auto manufacturers - do you hear? Are you listening? I’ll change – make eGrumps an  offer, any offer, and we will talk. Truth be known, eGrumps can be had – at the right price. Actually, at any price.

A few one-liners later today – maybe, perhaps, could be. Check back later – say around 1:00 Pacific Daylight Time. In the unlikely even that I am still sober, I’ll post something.

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If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

“The cream rises to the top.
So does the scum.”