Posts Tagged ‘One Line Jokes’
Murphy (and friends) comments – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – October 17, 2010.
Sunday, October 17th, 2010No mater what your aim in life,
A Happy Retirement (and other fictions) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – October 2, 2010.
Saturday, October 2nd, 2010“Retirement can be a happy time, a pleasant time, a joyous time, unless you are married to the retiree.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
“eGrumps – some day you’ll go far, and I hope you stay there.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
A diplomat is the only person who can say to his opponent: “Congratulations, you lose.”
eGrumps enjoys procrastination – it gives him something to do tomorrow.
At a banquet where eGrumps was the guest of honor, he stated: “I don’t know whether I have been introduced or read my Miranda rights.”
There’s strange thing about memory. Damned if I can remember what it was.
“I have never taken any exercise except sleep and rest.” (Mark Twain) “Mark was my kind of person” (eGrumps) ”eGrumps, he must hve been talking about you.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Mrs. eGrumps, you, my dear, are a certified idiot.”(eGrumps). “I am not certified.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
Happy October!
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Murphy (Again) and More of His Less than Famous Laws – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — from eGrumps — September 29, 2010.
Wednesday, September 29th, 2010Make three consecutive guesses correctly, and you have established yourself as an expert..
What this world needs is a damn good plague.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, then you’ve got something.
If it’s good, they’ll stop making it.
Every man has a scheme that will not work.
The Law of Institutional Food. “Everything is cold except what should be.”
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other,
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
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Murphy (Again) and More of His Less than Famous Laws – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — from eGrumps — September 16, 2010.
Thursday, September 16th, 2010In every organization there will be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired, or
On every Board of Directors, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be committed, or
In every government department, there will always be one person who will know what is going on. This person must be demoted, or
On every Congressional committee, there will always be one person who will know what is going on. This person must be transferred to a new committee, or
In every school room, there will always be one student who knows what the teacher really means. This person must be flunked, or
In every group of readers who read these postings, there will not be one person who thinks eGrumps is an awesome person. This group must be enlarged, no matter what the cost until someone can be admitted to the group who thinks eGrumps is brilliant, awesome, and, not to mention it, a truly handsome devil. (“It may take a very large group to find such an individual, if, indeed one can be found at all.” Mrs. eGrumps)(“Damn, but I hate that woman. I must have been drunk when I married her.” eGrumps)
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Murphy (again) and His Less Famous Laws – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps — September 14, 2010
Tuesday, September 14th, 2010The alternative to growing old is depressing.
The idea is to die young, as late as possible.
Evil is live spelled backwards. (“I don’t know why that has any relevance to anything.” eGrumps)
If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first class.
One of eGrumps laws about computers: “If a computer cable has one end, it should have another.”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Continued) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps – September 10, 2010
Friday, September 10th, 2010Tonight I dedicate these one line jokes to those who were murdered on September 11, 2001. May they rest in peace. It’s not much of a tribute, but merely having them in our memory will show that we remember, and I for one will never forget the pictures of that terrible day.
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Work harder and not smarder, and be careful of yur speling.
If it is not in your computer, it doesn’t exist.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. (“eGrumps, you’re not shy.” Mrs. eGrumps”)(“I sure hate that woman.” eGrumps)
The game of love is never called off because of darkness.
When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage (or, in a similar vein)
Too often, you will find the volume of paper expands to fill all space in the available briefcase.
Food that tastes the best always has the highest number of calories.
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One Line Comments, Except Where There Are Two Lines, Random Thoughts – Jokes, Humor and Pithy Comments from eGrumps: His Tribute to Labor Day – “No Matter What Your Aim in Life, No Matter What Your Goal. Keep Your Eye Upon the Doughnut, and Not Upon the Hole.”
Monday, September 6th, 2010eGrumps basic philosophy: “Nothing is so simple that it can’t be screwed up.”
If you believe everything you read, don’t read (Except for Pithy Comments, of course).
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they will be when you kill them.
Duct tape is like The Force. It has a dark side and a light side, and it holds the universe together.
The difference between a pig and a fox is about four drinks.
An adult is someone who is old enough to know better.
People have dogs for pets. Cats have people for pets.
IMPORTANT: The sure proof that intelligent life exists on other planets is that no one has bothered to make contact with us.
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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Part ???), Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps – September 3, 2010
Friday, September 3rd, 2010eGrumps basic philosophy: Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
She who is silent consents.
Never underestimate the power of stupidity.
The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse.
One cannot make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. But, it is amazing how many eggs can be broken without making an omelet.
Men and nations will react rationally when all other possibilities are exhausted.
If things were left to chance, they’d be better.
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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Part ???), Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments -from eGrumps – September 2, 2010
Thursday, September 2nd, 2010Murphy was an optimist!
Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
Money can’t buy love, but it can get you in a great bargaining position.
You never run out of things that can go wrong.
Every man (woman) has a scheme that will not work.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
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Premarital Sex and Other One Line Classics of Wit and Humor – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps.
Monday, August 23rd, 2010It isn’t premarital sex if you don’t get married.
The second day of a diet is easier than the first. By the second day you are off of it.
Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo.
Prayers are always answered. Unfortunately, the answer is usually “no.”
I am in the prime of senility.
The wages of sin are unreported.
The more you cry, the less you have to pee.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.
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Scroll down for other brilliant one-line jokes, unless you have something better to do with your time, which I find hard to believe, and if you think you do have something better to do, your priorities are screwed up.
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One-Liners that Rock (Part Four) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps – August 15, 2010
Sunday, August 15th, 2010Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the right size screw.
An adult is someone who knows better.
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Things aren’t always what they seem. Usually they are worse.
Owners of digital watches. Your days are numbered.
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One-Liners that Rock (Part Three) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps – August 9. 2010
Monday, August 9th, 2010Some times too much to drink isn’t enough.
My short term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I am a nobody.
Nobody is perfect.
Therefore I am perfect.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Reality is an illusion that occurs only due to a lack of alcohol.
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One-Liners that Rock (Part Two) — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – 8/7/2010
Saturday, August 7th, 2010If anyone is really interested in how I got the name of eGrumps, and why would you be, check out the sidebar in http://egrumps.com
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“When God made man, she was only joking.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
“You’re an idiot, Mrs. eGrumps” (eGrumps)
An adult is someone who knows better.
Life is a bitch, and then you marry one — and then you die.
“The more I think of men, the less I think of them.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “You’re still an idiot, sweetheart.” (eGrumps)
“Those who think they can see through women are missing a lot.” (eGrumps)
A hangover is simply too much blood in the alchol stream.
No matter how great your triumphs, or how tragic your defeats, approximately One Billion Chinese couldn’t care less.
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One-Liners that Rock (Part One) — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – 8/4/2010
Wednesday, August 4th, 2010Always try to do things in chronological order, it’s less confusing that way.
A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.
He who laughs last hasn’t passed out yet.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women. But you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. (Mrs. eGrumps likes that one liner but what does she know, she married me.)
CAUTION: “Objects under T-shirts are larger than they appear.”
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
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One Line Advice for Living – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps – August 1, 2010.
Sunday, August 1st, 2010Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
Not tonight dear – I have a modem.
There is no gravity. Earth sucks!
To all you virgins – thanks for nothing.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. ________________________________________
Wife One-Liners – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – (from eGrumps) – July 25, 2010.
Sunday, July 25th, 2010The only reason I turned down an extramarital affair is because my wife found the key to my gun cabinet.
Treat your wife with respect. Don’t hit her in front of her relatives.
Countless conflicts can be avoided by walking out on your wife for years at a time.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got a girlfriend.
I knew my wife was getting suspicious when she stopped reading Vogue and started reading Guns and Ammo.
Always speak to your wife is soothing, patronizing tones.
One common myth states that hitting is no way to solve a marital dispute, but studies show that is not always the case.
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Success and Good Advice – One Liners — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) — July 22, 2010
Thursday, July 22nd, 2010If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught.
Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.
If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a number of times.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Take the road not taken. The leaves crunch much louder.
A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words, depending on how good looking you are.
I have all the answers. It’s just that most of them are not right.
The more you cry, the less you have to pee.
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Computer One-Liners (Dedicated to Murphy, Father of the Satirical One-Liner) – (Stolen by eGrumps from Someone Who Stole Them From Someone Else (Who Had Previously Stole Them, etc.) – July 15, 2010
Wednesday, July 14th, 2010Be aware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Bug? That’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Home is where the computer is plugged in (or has access to Wi-Fi).
You had mail, but the computer deleted it as being boring.
Warning Keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.
To be or not to be, those are the parameters.
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Murphy’s Committee Rules – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps — July 11, 2010.
Sunday, July 11th, 2010The following Committee Rules should always be followed by any intelligent committee member, or even those who may not be intelligent:
1. Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2. Don’t say anything until the meeting is half over. This stamps you as being wise.
3. Be as vague as possible. This prevents you from iritating others.
4. When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5. Be the first to move for adjournment. This will make you popular — it is what everyone has been waiting for.
eGrumps advice:
Never, ever join a committee, unless either (i) you want to lose your friends on the committee, or (ii) you are the sole member.
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One-Line Jokes (Mostly) Stolen, Modified, and Always Improved by eGrumps – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – October 24. 2010
Sunday, October 24th, 2010How’s the wife and my kids?
A joke is a very serious thing.
There was a young man from Peru.
Whose limericks stopped at two.
Computer repairmen are a menace to civilization. Not microbes.
Laughter is wonderful, but it does take a lot of exertion.
“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul, can always count on the support of Paul.” George Bernard Shaw. (This quotation has been the inspiration for most, if not all, of the efforts by Washington to do whatever they think they are doing for the American economy.)
“Familiarity breeds contempt, and children.” Mark Twain
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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