Pithy Comments

For Information on the 2010 (so far) Award: I’ve Got a Bridge I Want to Sell You – go to www.grumps.com.

Hot damn – It’s June 1 already. I guess I can forget about my New Year’s Eve resolutions – actually, I don’t remember my New Year’s Eve resolutions. Philosophical question – can you intentionally break a new Year’s Eve Resolution, if you don’t remember it? Probably not – you can’t intentionally break it if you don’t know what it was.  Ergo – if someone accuses you of intentionally breaking your New Year’s Eve Resolutions – say you forgot them – and to bug off.

The object is to die young, as late as possible.

When in doubt, predict the present trend will continue.

There are only two problems with people. One is that they don’t think. The other is that they do.

Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

You are not drunk if you can lie an the floor without holding on.

Logic is a systematic way of arriving at the wrong conclusion with confidence.

If it jams force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

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What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If you must chose between two evils, pick the one you haven’t tried before.

Mrs eGrumps has suggested that when I die I leave my body to science fiction. I think she wants me to visit her relatives.

Every so often I go to the window, look up, and smile for the satellite picture.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.

I think — therefore  I’m single.

Arizona Governor to illegal aliens. Don’t want to be racially profiled, my advice: Go Home. That’ll solve your problem.

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When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.

A bird in the hand is dead.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

The first discovery of Christmas morning: “Batteries not included.”

If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.

A column about errors will contain errors.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

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Sunday is Mother’s Day. All of you ladies out there who wish to become mothers, write me immediately and I’ll do my best to satisfy your wishes. Hurry, though, the supply of me is limited, and I’m tired just thinking of fulfilling my obligations.

Immature blog owners write pithy comments, mature blog owners steal pithy comments from others. (“That cannot apply to me, I haven’t stolen anything in about four hours.” eGrumps)

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Support wildlife!!! Throw a party.

“Money and women are the most sought after and least understood things of any that we have.” (Will Rogers)

“The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”" (Eric Hoffer)

“Quit worrying about your health, it’ll go away” (Robert Orbin)

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There is no such thing as government money, only taxpayer money. “Washington, are you listening?” (eGrumps)

May your life be long and useful. Like a roll of toilet paper.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.

Never say” OOPS.”  Always say “Ah, interesting!”

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Schizophrenia: When we talk to God, it’s called prayer. When God talks back, it’s schizophrenia.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

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“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.” (W.C.Fields)

One of the great ironies of life is by the time you retire and are able to sleep late, you are to old to be able to sleep late.

Whiskey may not cure your insomnia, but it makes staying awake much more pleasant.

eGrumps is under a lot of stress. He has insomnia and sleeping sickness at the same time.

The doctor says I have insomnia. I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

The worst form of insomnia is when you can’t even sleep on the job.

Sleep is a form of death on the installment plan.

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