Posts Tagged ‘One Line Jokes’
One Liners (and Pithy Comments) for You! Not to be Missed (from eGrumps)
Saturday, February 4th, 2012One Line Jokes – Eternal Humor
Friday, January 6th, 2012Here are a few one-line jokes that have stood the test of time and are worthy of your attention – assuming you are worthy of anything. Of course, if you are indeed worthy of something, why are you wasting your time here. (These are brought to you by virtue of one very sick individual – eGrumps (that’s me)
1. Definition of a minor operation: “One that is performed on someone else.”
2. Be nice to your friends. If it wasn’t for them you’d be a total stranger.
3. She’s got a million dollar figure. The trouble is it is all in loose change.
4. If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
5. Money can’t buy happiness. That’s why we have credit cards.
6. A boss is someone who is late when you are early, and early when you are late.
7. Advertisement: For Sale – twin beds with a worn carpet.
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That’s it for today. Why not scroll down for further pearls of wisdom and waste more of your valuable time? eGrumps
Murphy One Liners, Some of Which He Never Heard Of
Friday, December 16th, 2011It’s time for more one liners destined to find their place in history. Murphy-be-damned —- these are good, no, great, no awesome. Enjoy —- eGrumps
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth — (This appeared earlier, but it is well worth repeating.)
2. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
3. The United States Department of Justice is being sued by a Nevada brothel. They claim that they used the phrase “Fast and Furious” for many years and the DOJ has wrongfully stolen their best advertising banner.
4. Gambling — that’s throwing money away when other people cheer you on.
5. Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.
6. I don’t want to say my kid is an idiot, but when I bought him a zebra, he named it spot.
7. From Mark Twain:
“There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics.”
“There is one way to tell if a man is honest. Ask him, and if he says “yes,” then you know he is crooked.”
“I’m pushing sixty. That’s enough exercise for me.”
SCROLL ON DOWN
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Murphy’s Pithy Comments – One Liners to Live By
Sunday, November 20th, 2011Welcome to Pithy Comments – Murphy’s One Liners that have stood the test of time – even if Murphy proved mortal and did not stand the test of time. These are comments that were made in response to the legend that was Murphy and his law.
1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.
Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.
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Murphy’s Laws (Obscure, but Noteworthy)
Saturday, October 29th, 2011A happy Halloween to all. Take the pumpkin off your head, and dance like there is no tomorrow – because there is no guarantee there will be a tomorrow. So – Party On.
1. Rule for all workers of the world – When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
2.”To-Do lists are wonderful aids to productivity. Keep them current, because at the end of the day, the same items are there, and you’ll know what you have to do tomorrow. Follow this procedure to the end of time. Nothing will get done, and the world will be a better place.” (eGrumps)
3. Organization principles for we messy desk individuals: (1) If you file it, you’ll never need it again but you will know where to find it. (2) If you don’t file it, you’ll need it, but you will not know where to find it.
4. Science is true – Don’t be misled by facts.
5. When all else fails, read the instructions.
6. The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the lack of progress.
7. Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.
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One Liners – Pearls of Wisdom that were stolen from a Sick Oyster. (These would be included in the Murphy’s Laws Collection, except Murphy is dead.)
Saturday, October 22nd, 20111. “If it takes more than one sentence to state a pearl of wisdom, it is not a pearl of wisdom” (eGrumps)
2. Etiquette: The art of doing the wrong thing the right way.
3. A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient. (This is not in the annals of the American Medical Association, but it should be)
4. Only an old timer can remember when dancing was done with the feet. That is, if he can remember anything.
5. Criticism of eGrumps wouldn’t be so hard to take, except for the fact it is usually correct.
6. A comic is a man who originates old jokes. (That really hurts my ego, eGrumps)
7. IT IS NOT CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN.
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Murphy’s Laws – Rare, Obscure, Hidden – until now
Thursday, October 20th, 2011Stolen by eGrumps (that’s me) from the hidden trove of Murphy’s Laws for Living:
1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant. The population, however, continues to grow.
4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.
5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.
6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
7. No matter where you go, there you are!
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Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and
the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet
Pithy Comments (I can forget and you can forget, but a piece of paper never forgets.)
Monday, October 17th, 2011Here are some gems from the annals of Pithidom:
1. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
2. If I look confused, it is because I am thinking.
3. “The rule of my life is to make pleasure a business, and business a pleasure.” (Unknown lady of the night)
4. All television is children’s television.
5. ADAM WAS THE PERFECT FIGURE OF A MAN AND EVE WAS INCREDABLLY BEAUTIFUL – so where did all the ugly people come from?
6. Make three consecutive correct guesses, and you will establish yourself as an expert.
7. Make love, not war – but be prepared for both.
Best to you from eGrumps.
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Pithy Comments – Old and New
Thursday, September 22nd, 2011Pithyville – Welcome – more pithy comments for all of you. Hang loose, because that’s the best way to hang. As my cow-rustler grandfather said before he was marched to the gallows — “Nobody ever did any constructive thinking with a noose around his neck.” Neckties should be banned–they do not contribute to constructive thinking. or any other kind of thinking, except how do I prevent them from getting stained when I drink soup.
1. “There can’t be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” (Henry Kissinger)
2. A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
3. To lose is to learn. (Spoken by losers the world over. No winner ever said that)
4. The dice have no memory. (Neither do politicans.)
5. The girl who is easy to get may be hard to take.
6. “I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” (Fred Allen)
7. It’s easy to tell who your friends are. They’re the ones that stab you in the front.
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Pithy Comments – Extreme
Tuesday, September 20th, 2011More Pithy Comments from your devoted leader, eGrumps:
SCIENCE IS TRUE. DON’T BE MISLED BY FACTS. (LOVE IT – IT IS THE STORY OF MY CAREER AS A RESEARCH SCIENTIST (EMERITUS)).
1. Hell is the place where everything tests perfectly, and nothing works.
2. There are no answers, only cross-references.
3. Computers are useless, all they give you is answers.
4. In mathematics, you don’t understand things, only get used to them.
5. Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
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Pithy Comments and Obscure Murphy’s Laws
Sunday, September 18th, 2011“A very happy Pithy Comment Day to you from me, the forgettable eGrumps.. There is no such official day, but there sure ought to be one. Think what a boon that would be for humankind. Everybody can say stupid things and no one could dare criticize you. They’ll probably think you’re a politician anyhow, and you know how pithy they are. So let us get to the good stuff.” eGrumps
1. eGrump’s Investment principle: “Never invest in anything that eats.”
2 .He who hesitates is probably right.
3. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (Washington learned this some time ago.)
4. A rumor doesn’t gain credence until it is officially denied.
5. Computers are not intelligent, they only think they are.
6. Washington’s law of taxes: Whatever goes up, stays up.
7. Random events tend to occur in groups.
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One Line Jokes for Posterity
Saturday, August 27th, 2011Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
I am confused, therefore I am.
I was put on earth to show that not everything has a purpose.
Laziness is nothing more than resting before you get tired.
America has the highest standard of living in the world. It’s just a pity we can’t afford it.
If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the pavement.
CHECK OUT WWW.EGRUMPS.COM – Very funny, if I do say so myself, but then I wrote it.
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One-Line (or more) Pithy Comments
Friday, July 1st, 2011A very early Happy 4th of July to each of you. Many of you do not reside in the U.S., and for those of you, please celebrate our Independence Day. As someone (not me) once said – “Party like there is no tomorrow.” Actually, If Iran gets The Bomb, there may not be a tomorrow. So – PARTY ON, but first read on for some noteworthy pithy comments that I stole:
1. Health food makes me sick.
2. “Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to.” (Mark Twain)
3. To improve your memory, lend people money.
4. He took his misfortune like a man, he blamed it on his wife..
5. Money talks. It says “good-bye.”
6. If it is illegal to send obscenity through the mail, how come my utility bills get through.
7. Even a paranoid can have enemies.
8. Give a criminal enough rope, and he’ll tie up a cashier.
Scroll on down for the really good stuff.
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Pithy Comments for Eternity (OK for a couple of days anyhow)
Wednesday, June 29th, 2011It is time for another day and night of classic pithy comments, stolen by yours truly (aka eGrumps) to gladden your day, not to mention your night.
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
2. I took my misfortune like a man. I blamed it on my wife.
3. A backache is man’s greatest labor saving device.
4. I wish I had a dental appointment to cancel. It brightens my day.
5. It is not good to waken a sleeping lion. (This pithy comment has very little practical value unless you live in a zoo).
6. You know you are in a tough neighborhood when you go into a church and there is graffiti on the walls.
GOT TIME – SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE AD-FREE PITHYISMS (I don’t think that is a word, but it should be.) You don’t have enough time? Nonsense – what better way to spend time than to use it to improve your culture.
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Pithy Comments for The Ages (like ages 4 to 5)
Friday, June 24th, 2011From the repository of famous Pithy Comments stolen by eGrumps:
History repeats itself. That is one of the things that is wrong with history.
A complex system that works is invariably derived from a simple system that works.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Random events tend to occur in groups.
Never, ever stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.
First Law of Medical School Taught to Students: “Never say ‘I’m new at this.’”
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Scroll down for other stolen pithy comments
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One-Line Pithy Comments, and Other Very Valuable Tips on the Good Life (all right, they really aren’t too valuable)
Thursday, June 16th, 2011In the game of life, like in the game of craps – the dice have no memory. (I don’t really understand that, but it sounded good, whatever it means.)
To err is human, but to really foul things up, you need a computer.
When attempting to type in an outgoing server address, it is best to us “smtp,” not “stmp.” or is it the other way around?
A bureaucracy is an organization that has raised stupidity to the status of a religion.
The Rational Fallacy — Everything happens because of a reason.
Never, ever do anything you would not be caught dead doing.
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One Line Jokes and Tips for Going Wrong in Your Life, No Matter How Hard You Try Not to Go Wrong.
Saturday, June 11th, 2011My basic philosophy: There is no time like the present for putting off what you don’t want to do.
Always remember, if an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Don’t be misled in your quest by facts.
Everything is easier to take apart than to put together.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You can’t get ahead by getting even. (This is total nonsense! I can’t imagine who could have written such drivel. I can’t believe I put this here. IGNORE IT!)
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One-Line Pithy Comments – Humor for the Masses
Tuesday, June 7th, 2011Pithy Comments that May Cause You to Shake Your Head and/in Wonder….
eGrump’s (the author of these brief items of brilliance) basic philosophy: No matter where you go, there you are. (Trust me on this)
Computers are useless. All they do is give you answers.
First Rule of Politics: Truth Varies.
A rumor doesn’t gain believability until it is denied.
He who hesitates is probably right.
You can never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Pithy Comments Lives!!!
Sunday, May 29th, 2011Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Friends come and go. Enemies gather.
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
Important: (Don’t say I didn’t warn you) “Never look up when a dragon is flying over you.”
The shortest way from Point A to Point B is by GPS.
The snooze bar on the alarm clock is man’s greatest invention.
It is virtually impossible to diagnose yourself on the Internet. Doctors will perform every possible test to prove you wrong.
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One-Liners – Murphy’s Minor Laws (But Still Quite Valuable)
Sunday, February 5th, 2012Murphy’s Minor Laws have almost been lost in the quicksands of time, but they are worth saving.
1. All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by the payment of the invoice.
2.If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
3. Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.
4.The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come your way again.
5. If everything were left to chance, they’d be better.
6. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
7. Every solution breeds new problems.
Murphy was an optimist.
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Scroll on down for more observations on the fickle finger of fate.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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