1. All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by the payment of the invoice.

2.If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

3. Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.

4.The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come your way again.

5. If everything were left to chance, they’d be better.

6. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

7. Every solution breeds new problems.

Murphy was an optimist.

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Scroll on down for more observations on the fickle finger of fate.

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1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth — (This appeared earlier, but it is well worth repeating.)

2. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

3. The United States Department of Justice is being sued by a Nevada brothel. They claim that they used the phrase “Fast and Furious” for many years and the DOJ has wrongfully stolen their best advertising banner.

4. Gambling —  that’s throwing money away when other people cheer you on.

5. Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.

6. I don’t want to say my kid is an idiot, but when I bought him a zebra, he named it spot.

7. From Mark Twain:
“There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics.”
“There is one way to tell if a man is honest. Ask him, and if he says “yes,” then you know he is crooked.”
“I’m pushing sixty. That’s enough exercise for me.”

SCROLL ON DOWN

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1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.

3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.

4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.

6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.

Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.

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1. Rule for all workers of the world – When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

2.”To-Do lists are wonderful aids to productivity. Keep them current, because at the end of the day, the same items are there, and you’ll know what you have to do tomorrow. Follow this procedure to the end of time. Nothing will get done, and the world will be a better place.” (eGrumps)

3. Organization  principles for we messy desk individuals: (1)  If you file it, you’ll never need it again but you will know where to find it. (2) If you don’t file it, you’ll need it, but you will not know where to find it.

4. Science is true – Don’t be misled by facts.

5. When all else fails, read the instructions.

6. The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the lack of progress.

7. Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.

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2. Etiquette: The art of doing the wrong thing the right way.

3. A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient. (This is not in the annals of the American Medical Association, but it should be)

4. Only an old timer can remember when dancing was done with the feet. That is,  if he can remember anything.

5. Criticism of eGrumps wouldn’t be so hard to take, except for the fact it is usually correct.

6. A comic is a man who originates old jokes. (That really hurts my ego, eGrumps)

7. IT IS NOT CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN.

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1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant.  The population, however, continues to grow.

4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.

5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.

6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

7. No matter where you go, there you are!

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Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and

the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet

1. eGrump’s Investment principle: “Never invest in anything that eats.”

2 .He who hesitates is probably right.

3. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (Washington learned this some time ago.)

4. A rumor doesn’t gain credence until it is officially denied.

5. Computers are not intelligent, they only think they are.

6. Washington’s law of taxes: Whatever goes up, stays up.

7. Random events tend to occur in groups.

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eGrumps’ one liners are like deja vu all over again.

You know you’re schizophrenic when you get two bills from your psychiatrist.

Living – it is the only thing worth dying for.

Always try to do things in chronological order – it’s less confusing that way.

Nothing is so simple it can’t be screwed up.

The easiest way to figure out when you got pregnant is to have sex once a year.

Never confuse having a career with having a life.

Beta software is undergoing testing when it is released. Actually, “Beta” is Latin for” still doesn’t work.”

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Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

A good duct tape job will fix almost anything.

“Ambulance problems:

1. Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but temporary, deafness
2. Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but temporary, blindness.

Theses rules do not apply in California where motorists are apparently oblivious to any traffic laws.”

“The game of catch has never been so much fun.” The inventor of the hand grenade.

Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they will not go to yours.

Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.

If you think there is good in everybody, you obviously haven’t met me.

“The statement below is true.”
“The statement above is false.”

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

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Learn to be assertive, take charge of your TY remote control.

Women are all the same, they all want to be different.

Remember, it’s always darkest just before it gets black.

Honesty is the best policy, but who can afford it?

Now that I am approaching another birthday, I decided to heed this advice. “Sex over sixty can be deadly and dangerous.” I strongly recommend pulling over first.

Mrs. eGrumps and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” Henny Youngman.

Remember: “I” before “E”, except in “Budweiser.”

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