1. In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for storage. (If you run out of storage space, there are two alternatives – throw out the junk or move  – Mrs eGrumps and I are having a discussion about that right now. She’s for moving in the foolish hope that I will throw out the junk that I have worked so hard to accumulate. There is of course a third alternative – throw out Mrs. eGrumps and use the space she is wasting to accumulate more vital junk.)

2. Speak softly and own a big mean doberman. (pit bulls will also work)

3. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until I solve it.

4. Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood.

5. Nothing is ever accomplished by a reaonable man.

6. A little humility is arrogance.

7. HISTORY PROVES NOTHING.

8. It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

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If you’ve missed some earlier postings scroll down and treat yourself to a whole bunch of beautiful sayings. No matter what the self-help books say, what is time for if you can’t waste it.

1. (An old favorite) – Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth. (Actually, Murphy didn’t write that. Mrs. eGrumps thinks I did it, and I don’t want to disillusion her. It is rumored that the author was stabbed to death by his candy-loving girlfriend,  and buried in an unmarked grave. He remains anonymous. His girlfriend was never caught.)

2. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

3. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

4. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
If we everything to lose by change, relax.

5. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

7. All’s well that ends.

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First – not from Murphy. but from me, eGrumps. I am distressed by the  conduct of  the American Secret Service agents, or at least some of them. Most of you don’t realize it, but I almost joined their previously elite ranks. I told the person doing the interview (man or woman is classified information but it was one of them) that I was interested in joining and going on foreign trips scouting for the President so I could hook up with a few hookers before he arrived and make sure that there were no plots afoot that would compromise his safety. I was turned down -”Son, we don’t do that sort of thing”  I was told.  They lied – it’s that simple – and I missed out on all those government paid fun things in foreign countries.

They went on to say “We don’t do any undercover work. Check the manual, you idiot.”  As Murphy said: “Following the rules will not get the job done,”but I guess they never heard of that.  So I went on to bigger, but not necessarily better, work. No undercover work? The hell you say. They lied!!!  I may sue.

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Back to Murphy, my hero, who penned a few laws that are relevant to the Secret Service situation:

1. “Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

2. “Teamwork is essential. It is always necessary to blame someone else.”

3. “Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.”

4. “I’d rather go whoring than warring.”

5. “Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.”

6. “Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.”

There are more, but this is a family website.

Scroll on down for more great sayings by Murphy.

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My name is eGrumps and I have made it my too brief time on earth to  ease your journey through the mistake of having serious sobriety problems. So – drink up, read on, and think about how lucky you truly are – well, you probably were truly  lucky until you stumbled upon reading my stolen sayings.

1. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until we’ve solved it.

2. Never forget that the other line moves faster, until you switch lines, at which time your original line moves faster.

3. The first rule of intelligent thinking is to save all the parts.

4. My  rules of expectations: 1) Negative expectations need yield negative results. 2) Positive expectations yield negative results.

5. In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper.

6. You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you remember nothing else from your studying of these maxims, remember – when all else fails, read the instructions.

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1. A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.

2. History repeats itself, that is one of the things wrong with history.

3. The sumptuousness of a company’s annual report is in inverse proportion to its profitability.

4.(eGrumps addition) The number of footnotes in a financial statement is in inverse proportion to its profitability.

5. (More of the same thought) – The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

(Are the business schools trying to tell us something here?)

6. If there is a wrong thing to say, one will say it.

7. When your opponent is down, kick him.

8. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

(Scroll down to waste more time)

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1. After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket is missing.

2. Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman!

3. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.

4. Of two possible outcomes, only the least desireable will be discovered first.

5. Anything worth doing is worth doing for the money.

6. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

7. When things are going well. something will go wrong.

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Favorite of the day: — To err is human, but to really screw things up, requires a computer.

1. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money. (So why is this website free to all. I tried to get a sponsor and he wanted me to pay him – bummer)

2. The tire is only flat on the bottom.

3. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

4.  A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

5. When all else fails, read the instructions.

6. When things are going well, something will go wrong.

Laws of purchasing computers:

If it crashes, it will, but only after the warranty expires.

A necessary computer goes on sale only after you have bought it at the regular price.

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1. You can never run out of things that can go wrong.

2. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

3. Love is the delusion that one woman difers from another.

4. A TRUE CLASSIC: “Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.”

5. When you are up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.

6. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.

7. First Law of Expert Advice: Don’t ask the barber if you need a haircut.

8. The Nonreciprocal law of expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.

Scroll down if you have nothing better to do, and it is
hard to believe that you have anything better to do.

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1. There is no time like the present for postponing what you don’t want to do.

2. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since no one listens.

3. Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.

4. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing. (I’ll drink to that!)

5. The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people at the meeting.

6. Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

7. The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them to the impossible.

Murphy – rest well, you may be gone, but not forgotten. No greater honor can be bestowed upon you than to have eGrumps save your obscure comments, not to mention saving comments by those who have commented upon your comments.

If you have nothing better to do, go to www.egrumps.com and see my very feasible plan to reduce the unemployment rate to zero. It’s a plan worthy of Murphy.

If you still have nothing better to do, scroll down and read other one-line comments. You will not be tested on them in the morning, or the evening, whatever time it is when you are reading this.

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A few of Murphy’s Laws on Sex:

1. Never sleep with anyone crazier that you.

2. Sex is dirty only if it is done right.

3. Sex has no calories.

4. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

5. Thou shall not commit adultery…unless you’re in the mood.

A few other notable one-liners.

1. Death before dishonor – Nothing before coffee.

2. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

3. A balanced diet is a cookie in every hand.

4. My observation  when I am waiting in a line, any line, for anything – the other line moves faster.

(Scroll down – waste more time. It’s the right thing to do, especially if you are at work)

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