Posts Tagged ‘Murphy’s Laws’
Sunday, February 5th, 2012
Murphy’s Minor Laws have almost been lost in the quicksands of time, but they are worth saving.
1. All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by the payment of the invoice.
2.If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
3. Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.
4.The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come your way again.
5. If everything were left to chance, they’d be better.
6. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
7. Every solution breeds new problems.
Murphy was an optimist.
__________________________________________________________
Scroll on down for more observations on the fickle finger of fate.
__________________________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Pithy Comment | No Comments »
Friday, December 16th, 2011
It’s time for more one liners destined to find their place in history. Murphy-be-damned —- these are good, no, great, no awesome. Enjoy —- eGrumps
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth — (This appeared earlier, but it is well worth repeating.)
2. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
3. The United States Department of Justice is being sued by a Nevada brothel. They claim that they used the phrase “Fast and Furious” for many years and the DOJ has wrongfully stolen their best advertising banner.
4. Gambling — that’s throwing money away when other people cheer you on.
5. Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.
6. I don’t want to say my kid is an idiot, but when I bought him a zebra, he named it spot.
7. From Mark Twain:
“There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics.”
“There is one way to tell if a man is honest. Ask him, and if he says “yes,” then you know he is crooked.”
“I’m pushing sixty. That’s enough exercise for me.”
SCROLL ON DOWN
__________________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Mark Twain, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit | No Comments »
Sunday, November 20th, 2011
Welcome to Pithy Comments – Murphy’s One Liners that have stood the test of time – even if Murphy proved mortal and did not stand the test of time. These are comments that were made in response to the legend that was Murphy and his law.
1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.
Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.
__________________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Laughter, Pithy Comment, Wit | No Comments »
Saturday, October 29th, 2011
A happy Halloween to all. Take the pumpkin off your head, and dance like there is no tomorrow – because there is no guarantee there will be a tomorrow. So – Party On.
1. Rule for all workers of the world – When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
2.”To-Do lists are wonderful aids to productivity. Keep them current, because at the end of the day, the same items are there, and you’ll know what you have to do tomorrow. Follow this procedure to the end of time. Nothing will get done, and the world will be a better place.” (eGrumps)
3. Organization principles for we messy desk individuals: (1) If you file it, you’ll never need it again but you will know where to find it. (2) If you don’t file it, you’ll need it, but you will not know where to find it.
4. Science is true – Don’t be misled by facts.
5. When all else fails, read the instructions.
6. The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the lack of progress.
7. Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.
______________________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit | No Comments »
Saturday, October 22nd, 2011
1. “If it takes more than one sentence to state a pearl of wisdom, it is not a pearl of wisdom” (eGrumps)
2. Etiquette: The art of doing the wrong thing the right way.
3. A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient. (This is not in the annals of the American Medical Association, but it should be)
4. Only an old timer can remember when dancing was done with the feet. That is, if he can remember anything.
5. Criticism of eGrumps wouldn’t be so hard to take, except for the fact it is usually correct.
6. A comic is a man who originates old jokes. (That really hurts my ego, eGrumps)
7. IT IS NOT CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN.
__________________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Nonsense, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
Thursday, October 20th, 2011
Stolen by eGrumps (that’s me) from the hidden trove of Murphy’s Laws for Living:
1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant. The population, however, continues to grow.
4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.
5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.
6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
7. No matter where you go, there you are!
______________________________________________________
Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and
the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Laughter, Nonsense, Pithy Comment, Wit | No Comments »
Sunday, September 18th, 2011
“A very happy Pithy Comment Day to you from me, the forgettable eGrumps.. There is no such official day, but there sure ought to be one. Think what a boon that would be for humankind. Everybody can say stupid things and no one could dare criticize you. They’ll probably think you’re a politician anyhow, and you know how pithy they are. So let us get to the good stuff.” eGrumps
1. eGrump’s Investment principle: “Never invest in anything that eats.”
2 .He who hesitates is probably right.
3. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (Washington learned this some time ago.)
4. A rumor doesn’t gain credence until it is officially denied.
5. Computers are not intelligent, they only think they are.
6. Washington’s law of taxes: Whatever goes up, stays up.
7. Random events tend to occur in groups.
______________________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit | No Comments »
Tuesday, November 30th, 2010
If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast and cheap.
eGrumps’ one liners are like deja vu all over again.
You know you’re schizophrenic when you get two bills from your psychiatrist.
Living – it is the only thing worth dying for.
Always try to do things in chronological order – it’s less confusing that way.
Nothing is so simple it can’t be screwed up.
The easiest way to figure out when you got pregnant is to have sex once a year.
Never confuse having a career with having a life.
Beta software is undergoing testing when it is released. Actually, “Beta” is Latin for” still doesn’t work.”
__________________________________________
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit | No Comments »
Monday, November 29th, 2010
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
A good duct tape job will fix almost anything.
“Ambulance problems:
1. Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but temporary, deafness
2. Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but temporary, blindness.
Theses rules do not apply in California where motorists are apparently oblivious to any traffic laws.”
“The game of catch has never been so much fun.” The inventor of the hand grenade.
Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they will not go to yours.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
If you think there is good in everybody, you obviously haven’t met me.
“The statement below is true.”
“The statement above is false.”
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
__________________________________________________________
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Nonsense, Pithy Comments, Uncategorized, Wit | No Comments »
Sunday, November 28th, 2010
All right – some of these are not famous.
Actually – I meant to type “Infamous.”
Read on anyhow, I need the readership.
Learn to be assertive, take charge of your TY remote control.
Women are all the same, they all want to be different.
Remember, it’s always darkest just before it gets black.
Honesty is the best policy, but who can afford it?
Now that I am approaching another birthday, I decided to heed this advice. “Sex over sixty can be deadly and dangerous.” I strongly recommend pulling over first.
Mrs. eGrumps and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” Henny Youngman.
Remember: “I” before “E”, except in “Budweiser.”
________________________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
Sunday, October 17th, 2010
Sorry team – eGrumps has been out of circulation for about a week. Nothing serious, I think I OD’d on Mrs. eGrumps cooking. How was she to know, she said, that the container of rat poison wasn’t seasoning for her pasta. Damn, but I hate that woman. I know she wouldn’t lie to me, would she? Nah – well, may be a little bit. Actually that was the best tasting pasta she ever made, which tells you something about her cooking ability.
Alway remember this basic principle:
No mater what your aim in life,
No matter what your goal.
Keep your eye upon the donut,
And not upon the hole.
That has absolutely nothing to do with her cooking skills, or lack thereof, but I kind of like the poem. I have consistently ignored it all my miserable life, and what has it gotten me – a lying wife. She tried to poison me, and then said she didn’t.
But I digress from the basis tenet of this web site – one-liners and pithy comments. So here are a few I accumulated during my absence.
1.Every man has a scheme that will not work.
2. If you want to kill any idea in the world today – get a committee working on it.
3. Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmill.
4. When the going gets tough, it isn’t true that the tough get going – actually everyone leaves.
5. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
6. If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.
7. Never, ever buy rat poison when you wife sends you to the market.
“Have a great day.I don’t suppose you’d believe I was only kidding about Mrs. eGrumps pasta recipe.” eGrumps.
_________________________________________________________
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Laughter, Pithy Comment, Wit | No Comments »
Saturday, October 2nd, 2010
“Retirement can be a happy time, a pleasant time, a joyous time, unless you are married to the retiree.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
“eGrumps – some day you’ll go far, and I hope you stay there.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
A diplomat is the only person who can say to his opponent: “Congratulations, you lose.”
eGrumps enjoys procrastination – it gives him something to do tomorrow.
At a banquet where eGrumps was the guest of honor, he stated: “I don’t know whether I have been introduced or read my Miranda rights.”
There’s strange thing about memory. Damned if I can remember what it was.
“I have never taken any exercise except sleep and rest.” (Mark Twain) “Mark was my kind of person” (eGrumps) ”eGrumps, he must hve been talking about you.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Mrs. eGrumps, you, my dear, are a certified idiot.”(eGrumps). “I am not certified.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
Happy October!
__________________________________________________
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Laughter, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
Wednesday, September 29th, 2010
Make three consecutive guesses correctly, and you have established yourself as an expert..
What this world needs is a damn good plague.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, then you’ve got something.
If it’s good, they’ll stop making it.
Every man has a scheme that will not work.
The Law of Institutional Food. “Everything is cold except what should be.”
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other,
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
___________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Laughter, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
Friday, September 24th, 2010
There are only two problems with people. The first is they don’t think, the second is they do.
The Pollyanna Paradox: “Every day in every way things get better and better, then worse in the evening.”
If your experiment works, you much be using the wrong equipment.
There is no such thing as a large whiskey.
If the Lord had intended us to travel in tourist class, he would have made us narrower.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Even paranoids have enemies.
__________________________________________________
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
Thursday, September 16th, 2010
In every organization there will be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired, or
On every Board of Directors, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be committed, or
In every government department, there will always be one person who will know what is going on. This person must be demoted, or
On every Congressional committee, there will always be one person who will know what is going on. This person must be transferred to a new committee, or
In every school room, there will always be one student who knows what the teacher really means. This person must be flunked, or
In every group of readers who read these postings, there will not be one person who thinks eGrumps is an awesome person. This group must be enlarged, no matter what the cost until someone can be admitted to the group who thinks eGrumps is brilliant, awesome, and, not to mention it, a truly handsome devil. (“It may take a very large group to find such an individual, if, indeed one can be found at all.” Mrs. eGrumps)(“Damn, but I hate that woman. I must have been drunk when I married her.” eGrumps)
____________________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Laughter, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
Tuesday, September 14th, 2010
The alternative to growing old is depressing.
The idea is to die young, as late as possible.
Evil is live spelled backwards. (“I don’t know why that has any relevance to anything.” eGrumps)
If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first class.
One of eGrumps laws about computers: “If a computer cable has one end, it should have another.”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
______________________________________
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
Friday, September 10th, 2010
Tonight I dedicate these one line jokes to those who were murdered on September 11, 2001. May they rest in peace. It’s not much of a tribute, but merely having them in our memory will show that we remember, and I for one will never forget the pictures of that terrible day.
______________________________________________________________
Work harder and not smarder, and be careful of yur speling.
If it is not in your computer, it doesn’t exist.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. (“eGrumps, you’re not shy.” Mrs. eGrumps”)(“I sure hate that woman.” eGrumps)
The game of love is never called off because of darkness.
When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage (or, in a similar vein)
Too often, you will find the volume of paper expands to fill all space in the available briefcase.
Food that tastes the best always has the highest number of calories.
__________________________________________________________
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Pithy Comments, Uncategorized, Wit | No Comments »
Friday, September 3rd, 2010
eGrumps basic philosophy: Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
She who is silent consents.
Never underestimate the power of stupidity.
The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse.
One cannot make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. But, it is amazing how many eggs can be broken without making an omelet.
Men and nations will react rationally when all other possibilities are exhausted.
If things were left to chance, they’d be better.
____________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
Thursday, September 2nd, 2010
Murphy was an optimist!
Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
Money can’t buy love, but it can get you in a great bargaining position.
You never run out of things that can go wrong.
Every man (woman) has a scheme that will not work.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
____________________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
Wednesday, July 14th, 2010
Be aware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Bug? That’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Home is where the computer is plugged in (or has access to Wi-Fi).
You had mail, but the computer deleted it as being boring.
Warning Keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.
To be or not to be, those are the parameters.
_________________________________________
Tags: Computers, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Laughter, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
One-Liners – Murphy’s Minor Laws (But Still Quite Valuable)
Sunday, February 5th, 2012Murphy’s Minor Laws have almost been lost in the quicksands of time, but they are worth saving.
1. All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by the payment of the invoice.
2.If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
3. Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.
4.The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come your way again.
5. If everything were left to chance, they’d be better.
6. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
7. Every solution breeds new problems.
Murphy was an optimist.
__________________________________________________________
Scroll on down for more observations on the fickle finger of fate.
__________________________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Pithy Comment | No Comments »