Pithy Comments

Always try to do things in chronological order, it’s less confusing that way.

A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.

He who laughs last hasn’t passed out yet.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women. But you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. (Mrs. eGrumps likes that one liner but what does she know, she married me.)

CAUTION: “Objects under T-shirts are larger than they appear.”

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

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Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.

Not tonight dear – I have a modem.

There is no gravity. Earth sucks!

To all you virgins – thanks for nothing.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. ________________________________________

The following Committee Rules should always be followed by any intelligent committee member, or even those who may not be intelligent:

1. Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.

2. Don’t say anything until the meeting is half over. This stamps you as being wise.

3. Be as vague as possible. This prevents you from iritating others.

4. When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.

5. Be the first to move for adjournment. This will make you popular — it is what everyone has been waiting for.

eGrumps advice:

Never, ever join a committee, unless either (i) you want to lose your friends on the committee, or (ii) you are the sole member.

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Obscure Murphy’s Comments are currently on vacation. He’s cashed his unemployment check, and is seeking obscurity to dream up more obscure one-liners. (Scroll down to see his most recent obscurities.)

I gave up drinking, smoking and sex. It was the worst fifteen minutes of my life.

Sex is like air. It isn’t important unless you are not getting any.

Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.

So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?

The world is coming to an end, please log off.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

There is no gravity – the earth sucks.

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For Information on the 2010 (so far) Award: I’ve Got a Bridge I Want to Sell You – go to www.grumps.com.

Hot damn – It’s June 1 already. I guess I can forget about my New Year’s Eve resolutions – actually, I don’t remember my New Year’s Eve resolutions. Philosophical question – can you intentionally break a new Year’s Eve Resolution, if you don’t remember it? Probably not – you can’t intentionally break it if you don’t know what it was.  Ergo – if someone accuses you of intentionally breaking your New Year’s Eve Resolutions – say you forgot them – and to bug off.

The object is to die young, as late as possible.

When in doubt, predict the present trend will continue.

There are only two problems with people. One is that they don’t think. The other is that they do.

Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

You are not drunk if you can lie an the floor without holding on.

Logic is a systematic way of arriving at the wrong conclusion with confidence.

If it jams force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

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What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If you must chose between two evils, pick the one you haven’t tried before.

Mrs eGrumps has suggested that when I die I leave my body to science fiction. I think she wants me to visit her relatives.

Every so often I go to the window, look up, and smile for the satellite picture.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.

I think — therefore  I’m single.

Arizona Governor to illegal aliens. Don’t want to be racially profiled, my advice: Go Home. That’ll solve your problem.

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When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.

A bird in the hand is dead.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

The first discovery of Christmas morning: “Batteries not included.”

If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.

A column about errors will contain errors.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

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