As a far smarter man than me (believe it, they exist – not many, however) once said….. Mrs. eGrumps just passed me a note reading “eGrumps, you’re an egotistical idiot.” I am not egotistical.

On with the one-liners, which is why you came here in the first place:

1. What is the sense of having power if you can’t abuse it?”

2.  In commenting on the relative safety of two types of medical procedures that could be used in an operation the medical journal said as follows:

1. Definition of a minor operation: “One that is performed on someone else.”

2. Be nice to your friends. If it wasn’t for them you’d be a total stranger.

3. She’s got a million dollar figure. The trouble is it is all in loose change.

4. If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.

5. Money can’t buy happiness. That’s why we have credit cards.

6. A boss is someone who is late when you are early, and early when you are late.

7. Advertisement: For Sale – twin beds with a worn carpet.

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That’s it for today. Why not scroll down for further pearls of wisdom and waste more of your valuable time? eGrumps

1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth — (This appeared earlier, but it is well worth repeating.)

2. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

3. The United States Department of Justice is being sued by a Nevada brothel. They claim that they used the phrase “Fast and Furious” for many years and the DOJ has wrongfully stolen their best advertising banner.

4. Gambling —  that’s throwing money away when other people cheer you on.

5. Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.

6. I don’t want to say my kid is an idiot, but when I bought him a zebra, he named it spot.

7. From Mark Twain:
“There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics.”
“There is one way to tell if a man is honest. Ask him, and if he says “yes,” then you know he is crooked.”
“I’m pushing sixty. That’s enough exercise for me.”

SCROLL ON DOWN

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1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.

3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.

4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.

6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.

Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.

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Remember my motto:  Candy is dandy, but sex won’t rot the teeth. I tried that line on a girl friend, and she went out and bought a box of chocolates – she is one sick person. How was I to know that she already had false teeth?

Amyhow – here’s today pithy comments for your education.

1. I  use a computer, therefore I am.

2. The art of diplomacy is to say nothing, especially when you are speaking.

3. It is never to late to have a happy childhood.

4. There’s a new dial-a-prayer for atheists. You dial a number and no one answers.

5. Skirts are getting shorter and shorter. No one knows what they’ll be up to next.

6. I told my secretary I wanted some old-fashioned loving, so she introduced me to her grandmother. Actually, she was kind of cute in a mature sort of way.

7. I missed my nap today — I slept right through it.

SCROLL ON DOWN – see earlier pithy comments. It is a complete waste of time, but you’ve proved you don’t give a damn about how you spend your time by reading this far.

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1. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

2. If I look confused, it is because I am thinking.

3. “The rule of my life is to make pleasure a business, and business a pleasure.” (Unknown lady of the night)

4. All television is children’s television.

5. ADAM WAS THE PERFECT FIGURE OF A MAN AND EVE WAS INCREDABLLY BEAUTIFUL – so where did all the ugly people come from?

6. Make three consecutive correct guesses, and you will establish yourself as an expert.

7. Make love, not war – but be prepared for both.

Best to you from eGrumps.

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1. “There can’t be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” (Henry Kissinger)

2. A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.

3. To lose is to learn. (Spoken by losers the world over. No winner ever said that)

4. The dice have no memory. (Neither do politicans.)

5. The girl who is easy to get may be hard to take.

6. “I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” (Fred Allen)

7. It’s easy to tell who your friends are. They’re the ones that stab you in the front.

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SCIENCE IS TRUE. DON’T BE MISLED BY FACTS. (LOVE IT – IT IS THE STORY OF MY CAREER AS A RESEARCH SCIENTIST (EMERITUS)).

1.  Hell is the place where everything tests perfectly, and nothing works.

2. There are no answers, only cross-references.

3. Computers are useless, all they give you is answers.

4. In mathematics, you don’t understand  things, only get used to them.

5. Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.

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1. eGrump’s Investment principle: “Never invest in anything that eats.”

2 .He who hesitates is probably right.

3. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (Washington learned this some time ago.)

4. A rumor doesn’t gain credence until it is officially denied.

5. Computers are not intelligent, they only think they are.

6. Washington’s law of taxes: Whatever goes up, stays up.

7. Random events tend to occur in groups.

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