Posts Tagged ‘Jokes’
Saturday, February 4th, 2012
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, February 3rd, 2012
Welcome to another edition of one-line bits of philosophy for the Masses (since only one person is reading this at a time) perhaps it should say “Bits of philosophy for one of the Masses.” It that doesn’t work for you, invite a friend to view it with you together, but it is possible that you may lose that friend, and then “we” would be back where we started. I can’t handle all of this heavy thinking. Mrs. eGrumps says the only heavy thinking I do is when I am deciding what to order for dinner, but what does she know? If she was smart, she wouldn’t have married me in the first place – but she has put all of “my” property in her name, so I may have misjudged her.
As a far smarter man than me (believe it, they exist – not many, however) once said….. Mrs. eGrumps just passed me a note reading “eGrumps, you’re an egotistical idiot.” I am not egotistical.
On with the one-liners, which is why you came here in the first place:
1. What is the sense of having power if you can’t abuse it?”
2. In commenting on the relative safety of two types of medical procedures that could be used in an operation the medical journal said as follows:
in one procedure it was determined that one procedure increased the risk of a “catastrophic event, such as death or a heart attack.” It is great news that it did not increase the risk of a non-catastrophic event, such the increased risk of developing ingrown toenails or the rapid spread of dandruff. My suggestion – go with the cheaper procedure, regardless if it is not as effective. If it doesn’t work and you die, your spouse will have more money to bury you. (“eGrumps, that is the smartest thing you ever said. Maybe you’re not such an idiot after all.” Mrs. eGrumps)
3. The EU has banned the advertising claim that water can prevent dehydration – that is really true. What a bunch of idiots!
4. Beware of the person who doesn’t drink
5. The future isn’t what it used to be.
6. “Your public servants serve you right.” (Adlai Stevenson)
7. She got the gold mine, I got the shaft.
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(Scroll on down for more of this stolen brilliance”
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, January 6th, 2012
Here are a few one-line jokes that have stood the test of time and are worthy of your attention – assuming you are worthy of anything. Of course, if you are indeed worthy of something, why are you wasting your time here. (These are brought to you by virtue of one very sick individual – eGrumps (that’s me)
1. Definition of a minor operation: “One that is performed on someone else.”
2. Be nice to your friends. If it wasn’t for them you’d be a total stranger.
3. She’s got a million dollar figure. The trouble is it is all in loose change.
4. If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
5. Money can’t buy happiness. That’s why we have credit cards.
6. A boss is someone who is late when you are early, and early when you are late.
7. Advertisement: For Sale – twin beds with a worn carpet.
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That’s it for today. Why not scroll down for further pearls of wisdom and waste more of your valuable time? eGrumps
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, December 16th, 2011
It’s time for more one liners destined to find their place in history. Murphy-be-damned —- these are good, no, great, no awesome. Enjoy —- eGrumps
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth — (This appeared earlier, but it is well worth repeating.)
2. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
3. The United States Department of Justice is being sued by a Nevada brothel. They claim that they used the phrase “Fast and Furious” for many years and the DOJ has wrongfully stolen their best advertising banner.
4. Gambling — that’s throwing money away when other people cheer you on.
5. Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.
6. I don’t want to say my kid is an idiot, but when I bought him a zebra, he named it spot.
7. From Mark Twain:
“There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics.”
“There is one way to tell if a man is honest. Ask him, and if he says “yes,” then you know he is crooked.”
“I’m pushing sixty. That’s enough exercise for me.”
SCROLL ON DOWN
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Mark Twain, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, November 20th, 2011
Welcome to Pithy Comments – Murphy’s One Liners that have stood the test of time – even if Murphy proved mortal and did not stand the test of time. These are comments that were made in response to the legend that was Murphy and his law.
1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.
Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, November 12th, 2011
So you want to spend your valuable time reading valueless pithy comments. RIGHT ON! The Computer God(s) will be proud of you, because your priorities are correct. You bring honor to yourself. You will be rewarded – someday.
Remember my motto: Candy is dandy, but sex won’t rot the teeth. I tried that line on a girl friend, and she went out and bought a box of chocolates – she is one sick person. How was I to know that she already had false teeth?
Amyhow – here’s today pithy comments for your education.
1. I use a computer, therefore I am.
2. The art of diplomacy is to say nothing, especially when you are speaking.
3. It is never to late to have a happy childhood.
4. There’s a new dial-a-prayer for atheists. You dial a number and no one answers.
5. Skirts are getting shorter and shorter. No one knows what they’ll be up to next.
6. I told my secretary I wanted some old-fashioned loving, so she introduced me to her grandmother. Actually, she was kind of cute in a mature sort of way.
7. I missed my nap today — I slept right through it.
SCROLL ON DOWN – see earlier pithy comments. It is a complete waste of time, but you’ve proved you don’t give a damn about how you spend your time by reading this far.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, October 17th, 2011
Here are some gems from the annals of Pithidom:
1. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
2. If I look confused, it is because I am thinking.
3. “The rule of my life is to make pleasure a business, and business a pleasure.” (Unknown lady of the night)
4. All television is children’s television.
5. ADAM WAS THE PERFECT FIGURE OF A MAN AND EVE WAS INCREDABLLY BEAUTIFUL – so where did all the ugly people come from?
6. Make three consecutive correct guesses, and you will establish yourself as an expert.
7. Make love, not war – but be prepared for both.
Best to you from eGrumps.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, September 22nd, 2011
Pithyville – Welcome – more pithy comments for all of you. Hang loose, because that’s the best way to hang. As my cow-rustler grandfather said before he was marched to the gallows — “Nobody ever did any constructive thinking with a noose around his neck.” Neckties should be banned–they do not contribute to constructive thinking. or any other kind of thinking, except how do I prevent them from getting stained when I drink soup.
1. “There can’t be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” (Henry Kissinger)
2. A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
3. To lose is to learn. (Spoken by losers the world over. No winner ever said that)
4. The dice have no memory. (Neither do politicans.)
5. The girl who is easy to get may be hard to take.
6. “I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” (Fred Allen)
7. It’s easy to tell who your friends are. They’re the ones that stab you in the front.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, September 20th, 2011
More Pithy Comments from your devoted leader, eGrumps:
SCIENCE IS TRUE. DON’T BE MISLED BY FACTS. (LOVE IT – IT IS THE STORY OF MY CAREER AS A RESEARCH SCIENTIST (EMERITUS)).
1. Hell is the place where everything tests perfectly, and nothing works.
2. There are no answers, only cross-references.
3. Computers are useless, all they give you is answers.
4. In mathematics, you don’t understand things, only get used to them.
5. Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, September 18th, 2011
“A very happy Pithy Comment Day to you from me, the forgettable eGrumps.. There is no such official day, but there sure ought to be one. Think what a boon that would be for humankind. Everybody can say stupid things and no one could dare criticize you. They’ll probably think you’re a politician anyhow, and you know how pithy they are. So let us get to the good stuff.” eGrumps
1. eGrump’s Investment principle: “Never invest in anything that eats.”
2 .He who hesitates is probably right.
3. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (Washington learned this some time ago.)
4. A rumor doesn’t gain credence until it is officially denied.
5. Computers are not intelligent, they only think they are.
6. Washington’s law of taxes: Whatever goes up, stays up.
7. Random events tend to occur in groups.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, September 9th, 2011
The following inherently contradictory statements are called Oxymorons. Read them and you’ll see why. They still qualify as Pithy Comments, or one liners, For example:
1. “Stay with me. I want to be alone.” (Joey Adams)
2. “I want to die young at a ripe old age.” (Ashley Montague)
3.”People have one thing in common. They are all different.” (Robert Zend)
4. “Only when a woman is openly bad is she really good.” (Publilius Styrus – 1st Century B.C.) (This one, for some reason is quite popular.)
5. “Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” (John Updyke)
(Try this with your girlfriend or boyfriend – It couldn’t hurt the seduction process – I think)
6.”Housework – If it is done right, it can kill you.” (John Skow)
7. “There is nothing so permanent as a temporary job in Washington.” (George Allen)
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Oxymorons, Pithy Comment, Satire, Wit
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Friday, July 1st, 2011
A very early Happy 4th of July to each of you. Many of you do not reside in the U.S., and for those of you, please celebrate our Independence Day. As someone (not me) once said – “Party like there is no tomorrow.” Actually, If Iran gets The Bomb, there may not be a tomorrow. So – PARTY ON, but first read on for some noteworthy pithy comments that I stole:
1. Health food makes me sick.
2. “Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to.” (Mark Twain)
3. To improve your memory, lend people money.
4. He took his misfortune like a man, he blamed it on his wife..
5. Money talks. It says “good-bye.”
6. If it is illegal to send obscenity through the mail, how come my utility bills get through.
7. Even a paranoid can have enemies.
8. Give a criminal enough rope, and he’ll tie up a cashier.
Scroll on down for the really good stuff.
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Tags: Bumper Stickers, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Wednesday, June 29th, 2011
It is time for another day and night of classic pithy comments, stolen by yours truly (aka eGrumps) to gladden your day, not to mention your night.
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
2. I took my misfortune like a man. I blamed it on my wife.
3. A backache is man’s greatest labor saving device.
4. I wish I had a dental appointment to cancel. It brightens my day.
5. It is not good to waken a sleeping lion. (This pithy comment has very little practical value unless you live in a zoo).
6. You know you are in a tough neighborhood when you go into a church and there is graffiti on the walls.
GOT TIME – SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE AD-FREE PITHYISMS (I don’t think that is a word, but it should be.) You don’t have enough time? Nonsense – what better way to spend time than to use it to improve your culture.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, June 24th, 2011
From the repository of famous Pithy Comments stolen by eGrumps:
History repeats itself. That is one of the things that is wrong with history.
A complex system that works is invariably derived from a simple system that works.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Random events tend to occur in groups.
Never, ever stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.
First Law of Medical School Taught to Students: “Never say ‘I’m new at this.’”
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Scroll down for other stolen pithy comments
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, June 19th, 2011
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“I am free of all prejudices, I hate everyone equally” (W.C.Fields)
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A long bad book just makes the book twice as bad.
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Though God cannot alter the past, historians can — also politicians.
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If you put too many stamps on a letter, will it go too far?
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Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the Ark.
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I have a two way computer. It either works or it doesn’t.
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My secretary is very efficient. She hasn’t missed a coffee break in ten years.
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(Please Scroll Down) – the pithiest may be behind you)
Tags: Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, June 16th, 2011
In the game of life, like in the game of craps – the dice have no memory. (I don’t really understand that, but it sounded good, whatever it means.)
To err is human, but to really foul things up, you need a computer.
When attempting to type in an outgoing server address, it is best to us “smtp,” not “stmp.” or is it the other way around?
A bureaucracy is an organization that has raised stupidity to the status of a religion.
The Rational Fallacy — Everything happens because of a reason.
Never, ever do anything you would not be caught dead doing.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, June 11th, 2011
My basic philosophy: There is no time like the present for putting off what you don’t want to do.
Always remember, if an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Don’t be misled in your quest by facts.
Everything is easier to take apart than to put together.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You can’t get ahead by getting even. (This is total nonsense! I can’t imagine who could have written such drivel. I can’t believe I put this here. IGNORE IT!)
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, May 29th, 2011
Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Friends come and go. Enemies gather.
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
Important: (Don’t say I didn’t warn you) “Never look up when a dragon is flying over you.”
The shortest way from Point A to Point B is by GPS.
The snooze bar on the alarm clock is man’s greatest invention.
It is virtually impossible to diagnose yourself on the Internet. Doctors will perform every possible test to prove you wrong.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, January 17th, 2011
With the popularity of electric tooth brushes, the major cause of tooth decay is weak batteries.
My sister kept going out with an undertaker. I figured he was only out for her body.
Bumper sticker of the day: “Tell me about yourself, your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.”
Unless you readers give me, eGrumps, unqualified praise, I must ignore you.
eGrumps is the type of man who can brighten anyone’s day – just by saying goodbye.
A banker is simply a pawnbroker with a manicure.
I’ll always meet you half-way. You admit I was right and I’ll admit you were wrong.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, December 16th, 2010
A few more borrowed (actually “stolen” would be a better word) one liners from the old plagiarizer himself, eGrumps:
1. Of course it is the murder weapon, who would frame somebody with a fake?
2. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
3. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
4. This is an excellent time to become a missing person.
5. Drugs may be the route to nowhere, but at least they’re the scenic route.
6. According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
7. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
8. Great question from your sweet little child: “Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up the floppy disk?”
9. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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One Liners (and Pithy Comments) for You! Not to be Missed (from eGrumps)
Saturday, February 4th, 2012Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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