1. All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by the payment of the invoice.

2.If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

3. Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.

4.The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come your way again.

5. If everything were left to chance, they’d be better.

6. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

7. Every solution breeds new problems.

Murphy was an optimist.

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Scroll on down for more observations on the fickle finger of fate.

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As a far smarter man than me (believe it, they exist – not many, however) once said….. Mrs. eGrumps just passed me a note reading “eGrumps, you’re an egotistical idiot.” I am not egotistical.

On with the one-liners, which is why you came here in the first place:

1. What is the sense of having power if you can’t abuse it?”

2.  In commenting on the relative safety of two types of medical procedures that could be used in an operation the medical journal said as follows:

1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.

3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.

4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.

6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.

Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.

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Remember my motto:  Candy is dandy, but sex won’t rot the teeth. I tried that line on a girl friend, and she went out and bought a box of chocolates – she is one sick person. How was I to know that she already had false teeth?

Amyhow – here’s today pithy comments for your education.

1. I  use a computer, therefore I am.

2. The art of diplomacy is to say nothing, especially when you are speaking.

3. It is never to late to have a happy childhood.

4. There’s a new dial-a-prayer for atheists. You dial a number and no one answers.

5. Skirts are getting shorter and shorter. No one knows what they’ll be up to next.

6. I told my secretary I wanted some old-fashioned loving, so she introduced me to her grandmother. Actually, she was kind of cute in a mature sort of way.

7. I missed my nap today — I slept right through it.

SCROLL ON DOWN – see earlier pithy comments. It is a complete waste of time, but you’ve proved you don’t give a damn about how you spend your time by reading this far.

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1. Rule for all workers of the world – When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

2.”To-Do lists are wonderful aids to productivity. Keep them current, because at the end of the day, the same items are there, and you’ll know what you have to do tomorrow. Follow this procedure to the end of time. Nothing will get done, and the world will be a better place.” (eGrumps)

3. Organization  principles for we messy desk individuals: (1)  If you file it, you’ll never need it again but you will know where to find it. (2) If you don’t file it, you’ll need it, but you will not know where to find it.

4. Science is true – Don’t be misled by facts.

5. When all else fails, read the instructions.

6. The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the lack of progress.

7. Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.

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1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant.  The population, however, continues to grow.

4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.

5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.

6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

7. No matter where you go, there you are!

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Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and

the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet

1. The doctor told me I had to lose 10 pounds.

2. Over the next five years I would have gained 10 pounds.

3. If I keep my same eating habits and my weight steady, I will not gain 10 pounds over the next five years.

4. Therefore – I will have lost the ten pounds I did not gain.

It’s very simple – the government does it all the time. If it doesn’t increase spending, it will have lost the amount of the spending increase because it did not increase spending. ERGO – the government has reduced spending by not increasing spending.

If it works for them it’ll work for you – but perhaps you should not tell your doctor that you are following the eGrumps plan and how you intend to lose the 10 pounds.

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1. “Stay with me. I want to be alone.” (Joey Adams)

2. “I want to die young at a ripe old age.” (Ashley Montague)

3.”People have one thing in common. They are all different.” (Robert Zend)

4. “Only when a woman is openly bad is she really good.” (Publilius Styrus – 1st Century B.C.) (This one, for some reason is quite popular.)

5. “Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” (John Updyke)
(Try this with your girlfriend or boyfriend – It couldn’t hurt the seduction process – I think)

6.”Housework – If it is done right, it can kill you.” (John Skow)

7. “There is nothing so permanent as a temporary job in Washington.” (George Allen)

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1. I have no plans and I have no plan to have plans.

2. I hate mornings. I get up at the crack of noon.

3. The limerick packs laughs anatomical.
into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones we’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom comical.

(All right – it’s not a one liner, but who’s counting.

4. “Virus:” A Latin word used by the doctors meaning your guess is as good as mine.

5. I’m sick and tied of being sick and tired.

6. My airplane to New York was so old it had an outside toilet.

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