1. In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for storage. (If you run out of storage space, there are two alternatives – throw out the junk or move  – Mrs eGrumps and I are having a discussion about that right now. She’s for moving in the foolish hope that I will throw out the junk that I have worked so hard to accumulate. There is of course a third alternative – throw out Mrs. eGrumps and use the space she is wasting to accumulate more vital junk.)

2. Speak softly and own a big mean doberman. (pit bulls will also work)

3. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until I solve it.

4. Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood.

5. Nothing is ever accomplished by a reaonable man.

6. A little humility is arrogance.

7. HISTORY PROVES NOTHING.

8. It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

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If you’ve missed some earlier postings scroll down and treat yourself to a whole bunch of beautiful sayings. No matter what the self-help books say, what is time for if you can’t waste it.

1. (An old favorite) – Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth. (Actually, Murphy didn’t write that. Mrs. eGrumps thinks I did it, and I don’t want to disillusion her. It is rumored that the author was stabbed to death by his candy-loving girlfriend,  and buried in an unmarked grave. He remains anonymous. His girlfriend was never caught.)

2. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

3. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

4. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
If we everything to lose by change, relax.

5. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

7. All’s well that ends.

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First – not from Murphy. but from me, eGrumps. I am distressed by the  conduct of  the American Secret Service agents, or at least some of them. Most of you don’t realize it, but I almost joined their previously elite ranks. I told the person doing the interview (man or woman is classified information but it was one of them) that I was interested in joining and going on foreign trips scouting for the President so I could hook up with a few hookers before he arrived and make sure that there were no plots afoot that would compromise his safety. I was turned down -”Son, we don’t do that sort of thing”  I was told.  They lied – it’s that simple – and I missed out on all those government paid fun things in foreign countries.

They went on to say “We don’t do any undercover work. Check the manual, you idiot.”  As Murphy said: “Following the rules will not get the job done,”but I guess they never heard of that.  So I went on to bigger, but not necessarily better, work. No undercover work? The hell you say. They lied!!!  I may sue.

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Back to Murphy, my hero, who penned a few laws that are relevant to the Secret Service situation:

1. “Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

2. “Teamwork is essential. It is always necessary to blame someone else.”

3. “Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.”

4. “I’d rather go whoring than warring.”

5. “Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.”

6. “Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.”

There are more, but this is a family website.

Scroll on down for more great sayings by Murphy.

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My name is eGrumps and I have made it my too brief time on earth to  ease your journey through the mistake of having serious sobriety problems. So – drink up, read on, and think about how lucky you truly are – well, you probably were truly  lucky until you stumbled upon reading my stolen sayings.

1. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until we’ve solved it.

2. Never forget that the other line moves faster, until you switch lines, at which time your original line moves faster.

3. The first rule of intelligent thinking is to save all the parts.

4. My  rules of expectations: 1) Negative expectations need yield negative results. 2) Positive expectations yield negative results.

5. In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper.

6. You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you remember nothing else from your studying of these maxims, remember – when all else fails, read the instructions.

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All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

If it seems to good to be true, it probably is.

Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.

The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Food that tastes the best always has the highest number of calories.

What men learn from history is that men don’t learn from history.

Scroll down for more truly intelligent Murphyisms.

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1. After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket is missing.

2. Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman!

3. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.

4. Of two possible outcomes, only the least desireable will be discovered first.

5. Anything worth doing is worth doing for the money.

6. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

7. When things are going well. something will go wrong.

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Favorite of the day: — To err is human, but to really screw things up, requires a computer.

1. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money. (So why is this website free to all. I tried to get a sponsor and he wanted me to pay him – bummer)

2. The tire is only flat on the bottom.

3. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

4.  A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

5. When all else fails, read the instructions.

6. When things are going well, something will go wrong.

Laws of purchasing computers:

If it crashes, it will, but only after the warranty expires.

A necessary computer goes on sale only after you have bought it at the regular price.

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1. You can never run out of things that can go wrong.

2. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

3. Love is the delusion that one woman difers from another.

4. A TRUE CLASSIC: “Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.”

5. When you are up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.

6. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.

7. First Law of Expert Advice: Don’t ask the barber if you need a haircut.

8. The Nonreciprocal law of expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.

Scroll down if you have nothing better to do, and it is
hard to believe that you have anything better to do.

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Today is tomorrow’s yesterday. So if you are longing for the good old days, you are there.

1. Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

2. It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

3. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

4. Suicide is the most severe form of self-criticism.

5. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.

6. Rehab is for quitters.

7. There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother, he’s an adult.
This usually happens at about age 45.

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Theses were not actually penned, by Murph, but written by his legion of fans expanding upon his basic principle, whatever that was.

a comment from eGrumps — “Whatever was, was – whatever is, is — and that’s that.”

1. Virtue is its own punishment.

2. It’s not, love that lasts forever, it’s plastic.

3. The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do.

4. When all else fails, read the instructions.

5. Science is true. don’t be misled by facts.

6. If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

7. If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

(Scroll on down for more – Murph would appreciate it, and besides no ads to distract from the genius of Murphy and detract from the poverty of eGrumps.)

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