Posts Tagged ‘Jokes One Line’
One Liners (and Pithy Comments) for You! Not to be Missed (from eGrumps)
Saturday, February 4th, 2012One Liners for You! Not to be Missed (from eGrumps)
Friday, February 3rd, 2012Welcome to another edition of one-line bits of philosophy for the Masses (since only one person is reading this at a time) perhaps it should say “Bits of philosophy for one of the Masses.” It that doesn’t work for you, invite a friend to view it with you together, but it is possible that you may lose that friend, and then “we” would be back where we started. I can’t handle all of this heavy thinking. Mrs. eGrumps says the only heavy thinking I do is when I am deciding what to order for dinner, but what does she know? If she was smart, she wouldn’t have married me in the first place – but she has put all of “my” property in her name, so I may have misjudged her.
As a far smarter man than me (believe it, they exist – not many, however) once said….. Mrs. eGrumps just passed me a note reading “eGrumps, you’re an egotistical idiot.” I am not egotistical.
On with the one-liners, which is why you came here in the first place:
1. What is the sense of having power if you can’t abuse it?”
2. In commenting on the relative safety of two types of medical procedures that could be used in an operation the medical journal said as follows:
in one procedure it was determined that one procedure increased the risk of a “catastrophic event, such as death or a heart attack.” It is great news that it did not increase the risk of a non-catastrophic event, such the increased risk of developing ingrown toenails or the rapid spread of dandruff. My suggestion – go with the cheaper procedure, regardless if it is not as effective. If it doesn’t work and you die, your spouse will have more money to bury you. (“eGrumps, that is the smartest thing you ever said. Maybe you’re not such an idiot after all.” Mrs. eGrumps)
3. The EU has banned the advertising claim that water can prevent dehydration – that is really true. What a bunch of idiots!
4. Beware of the person who doesn’t drink
5. The future isn’t what it used to be.
6. “Your public servants serve you right.” (Adlai Stevenson)
7. She got the gold mine, I got the shaft.
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(Scroll on down for more of this stolen brilliance”
Murphy’s Pithy Comments – One Liners to Live By
Sunday, November 20th, 2011Welcome to Pithy Comments – Murphy’s One Liners that have stood the test of time – even if Murphy proved mortal and did not stand the test of time. These are comments that were made in response to the legend that was Murphy and his law.
1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.
Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.
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Pithy Comments that are really pithy. Well worth your time!!!
Saturday, November 12th, 2011So you want to spend your valuable time reading valueless pithy comments. RIGHT ON! The Computer God(s) will be proud of you, because your priorities are correct. You bring honor to yourself. You will be rewarded – someday.
Remember my motto: Candy is dandy, but sex won’t rot the teeth. I tried that line on a girl friend, and she went out and bought a box of chocolates – she is one sick person. How was I to know that she already had false teeth?
Amyhow – here’s today pithy comments for your education.
1. I use a computer, therefore I am.
2. The art of diplomacy is to say nothing, especially when you are speaking.
3. It is never to late to have a happy childhood.
4. There’s a new dial-a-prayer for atheists. You dial a number and no one answers.
5. Skirts are getting shorter and shorter. No one knows what they’ll be up to next.
6. I told my secretary I wanted some old-fashioned loving, so she introduced me to her grandmother. Actually, she was kind of cute in a mature sort of way.
7. I missed my nap today — I slept right through it.
SCROLL ON DOWN – see earlier pithy comments. It is a complete waste of time, but you’ve proved you don’t give a damn about how you spend your time by reading this far.
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Murphy’s Laws (Obscure, but Noteworthy)
Saturday, October 29th, 2011A happy Halloween to all. Take the pumpkin off your head, and dance like there is no tomorrow – because there is no guarantee there will be a tomorrow. So – Party On.
1. Rule for all workers of the world – When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
2.”To-Do lists are wonderful aids to productivity. Keep them current, because at the end of the day, the same items are there, and you’ll know what you have to do tomorrow. Follow this procedure to the end of time. Nothing will get done, and the world will be a better place.” (eGrumps)
3. Organization principles for we messy desk individuals: (1) If you file it, you’ll never need it again but you will know where to find it. (2) If you don’t file it, you’ll need it, but you will not know where to find it.
4. Science is true – Don’t be misled by facts.
5. When all else fails, read the instructions.
6. The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the lack of progress.
7. Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.
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Murphy’s Laws – Rare, Obscure, Hidden – until now
Thursday, October 20th, 2011Stolen by eGrumps (that’s me) from the hidden trove of Murphy’s Laws for Living:
1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant. The population, however, continues to grow.
4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.
5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.
6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
7. No matter where you go, there you are!
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Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and
the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet
Pithy Comment – The eGrumps Guaranteed (absolutely) Weight Loss Plan – modeled after government deficit reduction plan.
Monday, September 26th, 2011The eGrumps diet plan modeled after the government’s-reduce-the-spending plans. It will work – I guarantee it. For example:
1. The doctor told me I had to lose 10 pounds.
2. Over the next five years I would have gained 10 pounds.
3. If I keep my same eating habits and my weight steady, I will not gain 10 pounds over the next five years.
4. Therefore – I will have lost the ten pounds I did not gain.
It’s very simple – the government does it all the time. If it doesn’t increase spending, it will have lost the amount of the spending increase because it did not increase spending. ERGO – the government has reduced spending by not increasing spending.
If it works for them it’ll work for you – but perhaps you should not tell your doctor that you are following the eGrumps plan and how you intend to lose the 10 pounds.
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One Line Jokes —- Pithy Comments which are Contradictory Statements
Friday, September 9th, 2011The following inherently contradictory statements are called Oxymorons. Read them and you’ll see why. They still qualify as Pithy Comments, or one liners, For example:
1. “Stay with me. I want to be alone.” (Joey Adams)
2. “I want to die young at a ripe old age.” (Ashley Montague)
3.”People have one thing in common. They are all different.” (Robert Zend)
4. “Only when a woman is openly bad is she really good.” (Publilius Styrus – 1st Century B.C.) (This one, for some reason is quite popular.)
5. “Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” (John Updyke)
(Try this with your girlfriend or boyfriend – It couldn’t hurt the seduction process – I think)
6.”Housework – If it is done right, it can kill you.” (John Skow)
7. “There is nothing so permanent as a temporary job in Washington.” (George Allen)
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One Line Jokes Created Somewhere Not in This Universe
Wednesday, September 7th, 2011Welcome to eGrumps one-line magnificent (?) and awesome (?) collection of humor (+/-)
1. I have no plans and I have no plan to have plans.
2. I hate mornings. I get up at the crack of noon.
3. The limerick packs laughs anatomical.
into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones we’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom comical.
(All right – it’s not a one liner, but who’s counting.
4. “Virus:” A Latin word used by the doctors meaning your guess is as good as mine.
5. I’m sick and tied of being sick and tired.
6. My airplane to New York was so old it had an outside toilet.
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One-Line (or more) Pithy Comments
Friday, July 1st, 2011A very early Happy 4th of July to each of you. Many of you do not reside in the U.S., and for those of you, please celebrate our Independence Day. As someone (not me) once said – “Party like there is no tomorrow.” Actually, If Iran gets The Bomb, there may not be a tomorrow. So – PARTY ON, but first read on for some noteworthy pithy comments that I stole:
1. Health food makes me sick.
2. “Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to.” (Mark Twain)
3. To improve your memory, lend people money.
4. He took his misfortune like a man, he blamed it on his wife..
5. Money talks. It says “good-bye.”
6. If it is illegal to send obscenity through the mail, how come my utility bills get through.
7. Even a paranoid can have enemies.
8. Give a criminal enough rope, and he’ll tie up a cashier.
Scroll on down for the really good stuff.
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Pithy Comments for Eternity (OK for a couple of days anyhow)
Wednesday, June 29th, 2011It is time for another day and night of classic pithy comments, stolen by yours truly (aka eGrumps) to gladden your day, not to mention your night.
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
2. I took my misfortune like a man. I blamed it on my wife.
3. A backache is man’s greatest labor saving device.
4. I wish I had a dental appointment to cancel. It brightens my day.
5. It is not good to waken a sleeping lion. (This pithy comment has very little practical value unless you live in a zoo).
6. You know you are in a tough neighborhood when you go into a church and there is graffiti on the walls.
GOT TIME – SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE AD-FREE PITHYISMS (I don’t think that is a word, but it should be.) You don’t have enough time? Nonsense – what better way to spend time than to use it to improve your culture.
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Pithy Comments That Have Great Redeeming Value — but may not be redeemed for money!
Sunday, June 19th, 2011-
“I am free of all prejudices, I hate everyone equally” (W.C.Fields)
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A long bad book just makes the book twice as bad.
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Though God cannot alter the past, historians can — also politicians.
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If you put too many stamps on a letter, will it go too far?
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Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the Ark.
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I have a two way computer. It either works or it doesn’t.
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My secretary is very efficient. She hasn’t missed a coffee break in ten years.
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(Please Scroll Down) – the pithiest may be behind you)
One-Line Pithy Comments, and Other Very Valuable Tips on the Good Life (all right, they really aren’t too valuable)
Thursday, June 16th, 2011In the game of life, like in the game of craps – the dice have no memory. (I don’t really understand that, but it sounded good, whatever it means.)
To err is human, but to really foul things up, you need a computer.
When attempting to type in an outgoing server address, it is best to us “smtp,” not “stmp.” or is it the other way around?
A bureaucracy is an organization that has raised stupidity to the status of a religion.
The Rational Fallacy — Everything happens because of a reason.
Never, ever do anything you would not be caught dead doing.
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One Line Jokes and Tips for Going Wrong in Your Life, No Matter How Hard You Try Not to Go Wrong.
Saturday, June 11th, 2011My basic philosophy: There is no time like the present for putting off what you don’t want to do.
Always remember, if an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Don’t be misled in your quest by facts.
Everything is easier to take apart than to put together.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You can’t get ahead by getting even. (This is total nonsense! I can’t imagine who could have written such drivel. I can’t believe I put this here. IGNORE IT!)
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Pithy Comments Lives!!!
Sunday, May 29th, 2011Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Friends come and go. Enemies gather.
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
Important: (Don’t say I didn’t warn you) “Never look up when a dragon is flying over you.”
The shortest way from Point A to Point B is by GPS.
The snooze bar on the alarm clock is man’s greatest invention.
It is virtually impossible to diagnose yourself on the Internet. Doctors will perform every possible test to prove you wrong.
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Obama to the Israelis – One Line (actually more than one-line) Comedy
Saturday, May 28th, 2011The following One-Line “jokes” have no historical significance whatsoever – YET!!!
As ourPresident might have said:
Bibi, old buddy – if Israel will go back to its 1967 borders, America will give it, royalty-free, its plans for the fence separating the USA from Mexico. The Director of Homeland Security has told me it has been very effective in keeping out the illegals, and I know she wouldn’t lie to me. If it has worked for us, it will work for you in the same manner – it’s a win, win situation for Israel, the US and the Palestinians. Actually, it is a no lose proposition – for two out of three, and those are pretty good odds.
Bibi, I haven’t mentioned before, out alligator farms. We are breeding the biggest, meanest alligators ever seen, and they are all yours, free of charge. All you have to do is build a moat next to the foolproof fence (see above) and put the alligators in. My Secretary of Defense (and alligators are a defensive weapons system) has assured me they are cost effective, especially since they have a tendency to breed rather rapidly. I know he wouldn’t lie to me. We are trying to solve the problem of determining the females and the males, but once that has been mastered, it’s all to your benefit. Unfortunately we lost three alligator sex determiners last week, and recruits are now not volunteering the way they did in the past, but that can be solved. We’re working on a solution. One of my aides suggested that would be a relatively easy way to reduce the number of Republican candidates who want to run against me, but there are some problems with that approach. Trust me – we’ll solve it.
Bibi, I can’t think of a better way to solve the “right of return” problem than by having them cross the moat, climb the fence, cut through the barbed wire, and cross the mine field before they qualify as lawful immigrants to Israel. You can even copy our amnesty program, as soon as we work out a solution, which we anticipate should be around 2024.
Bibi, our countries must cooperate in this endeavor, and we have taken a first step by showing you the way to lead the Iraelis out of bondage. If Moses could do it, so can you. Trust us.
Finally, Bibi, old friend, America is willing to give you the services of a prominent member of our Jewish community to help you. I know Lady GaGa would not refuse. Please give her a call. Put the charge on the White House telephone bill. – we get a discounted rate.
(It is very hard to make fun of this very serious situation, but I’d rather take this approach, then to even suggest that the Israelis go back to the 1967 border – That’s about as unfunny as it can get. As your countrymen,, Mr. Prime Minister, have said “Never Again,” and I’m with you, sarcasm or not)
More One Line Jokes – Pearls of Wisdom — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — (from eGrumps)
Monday, January 17th, 2011With the popularity of electric tooth brushes, the major cause of tooth decay is weak batteries.
My sister kept going out with an undertaker. I figured he was only out for her body.
Bumper sticker of the day: “Tell me about yourself, your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.”
Unless you readers give me, eGrumps, unqualified praise, I must ignore you.
eGrumps is the type of man who can brighten anyone’s day – just by saying goodbye.
A banker is simply a pawnbroker with a manicure.
I’ll always meet you half-way. You admit I was right and I’ll admit you were wrong.
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More One Line Jokes – Pearls of Wisdom — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — (from eGrumps)
Thursday, December 16th, 2010A few more borrowed (actually “stolen” would be a better word) one liners from the old plagiarizer himself, eGrumps:
1. Of course it is the murder weapon, who would frame somebody with a fake?
2. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
3. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
4. This is an excellent time to become a missing person.
5. Drugs may be the route to nowhere, but at least they’re the scenic route.
6. According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
7. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
8. Great question from your sweet little child: “Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up the floppy disk?”
9. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
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More One Line Jokes – Pearls of Wisdom — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — (from eGrumps)
Friday, December 10th, 2010Welcome to all my anonymous friends all over the world. The fact that so many of you keep coming back is testimony either to (1) an appreciation of good humor from your friendly host, eGrumps, or (2) your unbridled optimism that things will get better, because they couldn’t get any worse or (3) there is hope for all of us, no matter how bad eGrumps plagiarized sense of humor is. If you’d like to tell your friends about this site, be my guest – all you have to lose is their friendship.
If you would like to contact me, I can be reached at egrumps@egrumps.com, and I will give your email all the attention it deserves.
Onward and upward with today’s Pithy Comments:
Inevitable Slogans and Sayings
1. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
2. My rules apply to other people, not to myself.
3. Whatever it is – I didn’t do it.
4. Avoid reality at all costs.
5. Believe in Darwin, cancer cures smoking.
6. Never trust a nun with a gun.
7. I should have known better, every happy moment in my life came from lying.
8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry – you’ll get over it.
9. Smile – tomorrow will be worse. (Believe me about that, eGrumps)
Finally – as my friends have told me (both of them) – eGrumps, you haven’t lost your mind, it’s backed up on a disk somewhere.
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One-Liners – Murphy’s Minor Laws (But Still Quite Valuable)
Sunday, February 5th, 2012Murphy’s Minor Laws have almost been lost in the quicksands of time, but they are worth saving.
1. All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by the payment of the invoice.
2.If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
3. Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.
4.The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come your way again.
5. If everything were left to chance, they’d be better.
6. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
7. Every solution breeds new problems.
Murphy was an optimist.
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Scroll on down for more observations on the fickle finger of fate.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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