Posts Tagged ‘Funny’
Wednesday, February 15th, 2012
More one-line “jokes” to entertain you, please you (but maybe not entertain you) and expose you to the finer things of life. If you believe that about these one-liners, you are sick, sick, sick. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Warning: I am not qualified to give medical advice, or any other type of advice, so maybe forget the aspirin. Actually – I have been called a half-assed doctor, so maybe only take one aspirin.
REMEMBER – THERE IS A SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS FINDING IT.
1. Mathematics is made up of 50% formulas, 50% proof and 50% imagination.
2. I heard that parallel lines meet, but they are very discrete.
3. Rome did not make a great empire by holding meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.
4. Never knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run like hell. (He hates that).
5. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
6. There is no future in time travel.
7. My motto: “Better living through denial.”
8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry it will pass.
9. Scroll on Down – Waste More Time.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, February 5th, 2012
Murphy’s Minor Laws have almost been lost in the quicksands of time, but they are worth saving.
1. All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by the payment of the invoice.
2.If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
3. Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.
4.The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come your way again.
5. If everything were left to chance, they’d be better.
6. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
7. Every solution breeds new problems.
Murphy was an optimist.
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Scroll on down for more observations on the fickle finger of fate.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, October 22nd, 2011
1. “If it takes more than one sentence to state a pearl of wisdom, it is not a pearl of wisdom” (eGrumps)
2. Etiquette: The art of doing the wrong thing the right way.
3. A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient. (This is not in the annals of the American Medical Association, but it should be)
4. Only an old timer can remember when dancing was done with the feet. That is, if he can remember anything.
5. Criticism of eGrumps wouldn’t be so hard to take, except for the fact it is usually correct.
6. A comic is a man who originates old jokes. (That really hurts my ego, eGrumps)
7. IT IS NOT CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Nonsense, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
Tuesday, September 20th, 2011
More Pithy Comments from your devoted leader, eGrumps:
SCIENCE IS TRUE. DON’T BE MISLED BY FACTS. (LOVE IT – IT IS THE STORY OF MY CAREER AS A RESEARCH SCIENTIST (EMERITUS)).
1. Hell is the place where everything tests perfectly, and nothing works.
2. There are no answers, only cross-references.
3. Computers are useless, all they give you is answers.
4. In mathematics, you don’t understand things, only get used to them.
5. Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Laughter, Nonsense, Pithy Comment, Wit | No Comments »
Saturday, August 27th, 2011
Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
I am confused, therefore I am.
I was put on earth to show that not everything has a purpose.
Laziness is nothing more than resting before you get tired.
America has the highest standard of living in the world. It’s just a pity we can’t afford it.
If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the pavement.
CHECK OUT WWW.EGRUMPS.COM – Very funny, if I do say so myself, but then I wrote it.
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Tags: Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, June 19th, 2011
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“I am free of all prejudices, I hate everyone equally” (W.C.Fields)
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A long bad book just makes the book twice as bad.
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Though God cannot alter the past, historians can — also politicians.
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If you put too many stamps on a letter, will it go too far?
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Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the Ark.
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I have a two way computer. It either works or it doesn’t.
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My secretary is very efficient. She hasn’t missed a coffee break in ten years.
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(Please Scroll Down) – the pithiest may be behind you)
Tags: Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, October 24th, 2010
How’s the wife and my kids?
A joke is a very serious thing.
There was a young man from Peru.
Whose limericks stopped at two.
Computer repairmen are a menace to civilization. Not microbes.
Laughter is wonderful, but it does take a lot of exertion.
“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul, can always count on the support of Paul.” George Bernard Shaw. (This quotation has been the inspiration for most, if not all, of the efforts by Washington to do whatever they think they are doing for the American economy.)
“Familiarity breeds contempt, and children.” Mark Twain
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
Thursday, July 1st, 2010
HAPPY JULY 1 – WE’RE HALFWAY THROUGH 2010 – AND THEN – 2011 – BIG DEAL – I CAN STILL REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE HALFWAY THROUGH 1910 (at least I think it was 1910).
“I am in the prime of senility.” (Stolen by eGrumps from someone older than he is. Hard to believe someone is older than me, and still using the Internet)
Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo.
Prayers are always answered. Unfortunately the answer is usually “NO!”
Famous fortune cookie saying: “You love Chinese food.”
“My wild oats have turned to prunes and all-bran.” (Stolen by eGrumps.)
“Money isn’t everything. There is also VISA, MasterCard, Discover and American Express. (Also stolen by eGrumps)
“We are what we pretend to be.” (Kurt Vonnegutt, Jr.)
“So?” (eGrumps)
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Tags: Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »
One Line Jokes to Live By (And Die For).
Wednesday, February 15th, 2012More one-line “jokes” to entertain you, please you (but maybe not entertain you) and expose you to the finer things of life. If you believe that about these one-liners, you are sick, sick, sick. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Warning: I am not qualified to give medical advice, or any other type of advice, so maybe forget the aspirin. Actually – I have been called a half-assed doctor, so maybe only take one aspirin.
REMEMBER – THERE IS A SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS FINDING IT.
1. Mathematics is made up of 50% formulas, 50% proof and 50% imagination.
2. I heard that parallel lines meet, but they are very discrete.
3. Rome did not make a great empire by holding meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.
4. Never knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run like hell. (He hates that).
5. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
6. There is no future in time travel.
7. My motto: “Better living through denial.”
8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry it will pass.
9. Scroll on Down – Waste More Time.
______________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Laughter, Pithy Comment | No Comments »