Posts Tagged ‘eGrumps’
Sunday, November 20th, 2011
Welcome to Pithy Comments – Murphy’s One Liners that have stood the test of time – even if Murphy proved mortal and did not stand the test of time. These are comments that were made in response to the legend that was Murphy and his law.
1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.
Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, November 12th, 2011
So you want to spend your valuable time reading valueless pithy comments. RIGHT ON! The Computer God(s) will be proud of you, because your priorities are correct. You bring honor to yourself. You will be rewarded – someday.
Remember my motto: Candy is dandy, but sex won’t rot the teeth. I tried that line on a girl friend, and she went out and bought a box of chocolates – she is one sick person. How was I to know that she already had false teeth?
Amyhow – here’s today pithy comments for your education.
1. I use a computer, therefore I am.
2. The art of diplomacy is to say nothing, especially when you are speaking.
3. It is never to late to have a happy childhood.
4. There’s a new dial-a-prayer for atheists. You dial a number and no one answers.
5. Skirts are getting shorter and shorter. No one knows what they’ll be up to next.
6. I told my secretary I wanted some old-fashioned loving, so she introduced me to her grandmother. Actually, she was kind of cute in a mature sort of way.
7. I missed my nap today — I slept right through it.
SCROLL ON DOWN – see earlier pithy comments. It is a complete waste of time, but you’ve proved you don’t give a damn about how you spend your time by reading this far.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, October 29th, 2011
A happy Halloween to all. Take the pumpkin off your head, and dance like there is no tomorrow – because there is no guarantee there will be a tomorrow. So – Party On.
1. Rule for all workers of the world – When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
2.”To-Do lists are wonderful aids to productivity. Keep them current, because at the end of the day, the same items are there, and you’ll know what you have to do tomorrow. Follow this procedure to the end of time. Nothing will get done, and the world will be a better place.” (eGrumps)
3. Organization principles for we messy desk individuals: (1) If you file it, you’ll never need it again but you will know where to find it. (2) If you don’t file it, you’ll need it, but you will not know where to find it.
4. Science is true – Don’t be misled by facts.
5. When all else fails, read the instructions.
6. The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the lack of progress.
7. Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, October 22nd, 2011
1. “If it takes more than one sentence to state a pearl of wisdom, it is not a pearl of wisdom” (eGrumps)
2. Etiquette: The art of doing the wrong thing the right way.
3. A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient. (This is not in the annals of the American Medical Association, but it should be)
4. Only an old timer can remember when dancing was done with the feet. That is, if he can remember anything.
5. Criticism of eGrumps wouldn’t be so hard to take, except for the fact it is usually correct.
6. A comic is a man who originates old jokes. (That really hurts my ego, eGrumps)
7. IT IS NOT CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, October 20th, 2011
Stolen by eGrumps (that’s me) from the hidden trove of Murphy’s Laws for Living:
1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant. The population, however, continues to grow.
4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.
5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.
6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
7. No matter where you go, there you are!
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Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and
the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, October 17th, 2011
Here are some gems from the annals of Pithidom:
1. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
2. If I look confused, it is because I am thinking.
3. “The rule of my life is to make pleasure a business, and business a pleasure.” (Unknown lady of the night)
4. All television is children’s television.
5. ADAM WAS THE PERFECT FIGURE OF A MAN AND EVE WAS INCREDABLLY BEAUTIFUL – so where did all the ugly people come from?
6. Make three consecutive correct guesses, and you will establish yourself as an expert.
7. Make love, not war – but be prepared for both.
Best to you from eGrumps.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, September 26th, 2011
The eGrumps diet plan modeled after the government’s-reduce-the-spending plans. It will work – I guarantee it. For example:
1. The doctor told me I had to lose 10 pounds.
2. Over the next five years I would have gained 10 pounds.
3. If I keep my same eating habits and my weight steady, I will not gain 10 pounds over the next five years.
4. Therefore – I will have lost the ten pounds I did not gain.
It’s very simple – the government does it all the time. If it doesn’t increase spending, it will have lost the amount of the spending increase because it did not increase spending. ERGO – the government has reduced spending by not increasing spending.
If it works for them it’ll work for you – but perhaps you should not tell your doctor that you are following the eGrumps plan and how you intend to lose the 10 pounds.
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Tags: Diet, Dieting, eGrumps, Humor, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Satire, Wit
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Thursday, September 22nd, 2011
Pithyville – Welcome – more pithy comments for all of you. Hang loose, because that’s the best way to hang. As my cow-rustler grandfather said before he was marched to the gallows — “Nobody ever did any constructive thinking with a noose around his neck.” Neckties should be banned–they do not contribute to constructive thinking. or any other kind of thinking, except how do I prevent them from getting stained when I drink soup.
1. “There can’t be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” (Henry Kissinger)
2. A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
3. To lose is to learn. (Spoken by losers the world over. No winner ever said that)
4. The dice have no memory. (Neither do politicans.)
5. The girl who is easy to get may be hard to take.
6. “I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” (Fred Allen)
7. It’s easy to tell who your friends are. They’re the ones that stab you in the front.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, September 20th, 2011
More Pithy Comments from your devoted leader, eGrumps:
SCIENCE IS TRUE. DON’T BE MISLED BY FACTS. (LOVE IT – IT IS THE STORY OF MY CAREER AS A RESEARCH SCIENTIST (EMERITUS)).
1. Hell is the place where everything tests perfectly, and nothing works.
2. There are no answers, only cross-references.
3. Computers are useless, all they give you is answers.
4. In mathematics, you don’t understand things, only get used to them.
5. Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, September 18th, 2011
“A very happy Pithy Comment Day to you from me, the forgettable eGrumps.. There is no such official day, but there sure ought to be one. Think what a boon that would be for humankind. Everybody can say stupid things and no one could dare criticize you. They’ll probably think you’re a politician anyhow, and you know how pithy they are. So let us get to the good stuff.” eGrumps
1. eGrump’s Investment principle: “Never invest in anything that eats.”
2 .He who hesitates is probably right.
3. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (Washington learned this some time ago.)
4. A rumor doesn’t gain credence until it is officially denied.
5. Computers are not intelligent, they only think they are.
6. Washington’s law of taxes: Whatever goes up, stays up.
7. Random events tend to occur in groups.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, September 9th, 2011
The following inherently contradictory statements are called Oxymorons. Read them and you’ll see why. They still qualify as Pithy Comments, or one liners, For example:
1. “Stay with me. I want to be alone.” (Joey Adams)
2. “I want to die young at a ripe old age.” (Ashley Montague)
3.”People have one thing in common. They are all different.” (Robert Zend)
4. “Only when a woman is openly bad is she really good.” (Publilius Styrus – 1st Century B.C.) (This one, for some reason is quite popular.)
5. “Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” (John Updyke)
(Try this with your girlfriend or boyfriend – It couldn’t hurt the seduction process – I think)
6.”Housework – If it is done right, it can kill you.” (John Skow)
7. “There is nothing so permanent as a temporary job in Washington.” (George Allen)
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Oxymorons, Pithy Comment, Satire, Wit
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Wednesday, September 7th, 2011
Welcome to eGrumps one-line magnificent (?) and awesome (?) collection of humor (+/-)
1. I have no plans and I have no plan to have plans.
2. I hate mornings. I get up at the crack of noon.
3. The limerick packs laughs anatomical.
into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones we’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom comical.
(All right – it’s not a one liner, but who’s counting.
4. “Virus:” A Latin word used by the doctors meaning your guess is as good as mine.
5. I’m sick and tied of being sick and tired.
6. My airplane to New York was so old it had an outside toilet.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Wednesday, June 29th, 2011
It is time for another day and night of classic pithy comments, stolen by yours truly (aka eGrumps) to gladden your day, not to mention your night.
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
2. I took my misfortune like a man. I blamed it on my wife.
3. A backache is man’s greatest labor saving device.
4. I wish I had a dental appointment to cancel. It brightens my day.
5. It is not good to waken a sleeping lion. (This pithy comment has very little practical value unless you live in a zoo).
6. You know you are in a tough neighborhood when you go into a church and there is graffiti on the walls.
GOT TIME – SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE AD-FREE PITHYISMS (I don’t think that is a word, but it should be.) You don’t have enough time? Nonsense – what better way to spend time than to use it to improve your culture.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, June 24th, 2011
From the repository of famous Pithy Comments stolen by eGrumps:
History repeats itself. That is one of the things that is wrong with history.
A complex system that works is invariably derived from a simple system that works.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Random events tend to occur in groups.
Never, ever stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.
First Law of Medical School Taught to Students: “Never say ‘I’m new at this.’”
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Scroll down for other stolen pithy comments
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, June 7th, 2011
Pithy Comments that May Cause You to Shake Your Head and/in Wonder….
eGrump’s (the author of these brief items of brilliance) basic philosophy: No matter where you go, there you are. (Trust me on this)
Computers are useless. All they do is give you answers.
First Rule of Politics: Truth Varies.
A rumor doesn’t gain believability until it is denied.
He who hesitates is probably right.
You can never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Tags: Bumper Stickers, eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, May 29th, 2011
Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Friends come and go. Enemies gather.
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
Important: (Don’t say I didn’t warn you) “Never look up when a dragon is flying over you.”
The shortest way from Point A to Point B is by GPS.
The snooze bar on the alarm clock is man’s greatest invention.
It is virtually impossible to diagnose yourself on the Internet. Doctors will perform every possible test to prove you wrong.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, January 17th, 2011
With the popularity of electric tooth brushes, the major cause of tooth decay is weak batteries.
My sister kept going out with an undertaker. I figured he was only out for her body.
Bumper sticker of the day: “Tell me about yourself, your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.”
Unless you readers give me, eGrumps, unqualified praise, I must ignore you.
eGrumps is the type of man who can brighten anyone’s day – just by saying goodbye.
A banker is simply a pawnbroker with a manicure.
I’ll always meet you half-way. You admit I was right and I’ll admit you were wrong.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, December 10th, 2010
Welcome to all my anonymous friends all over the world. The fact that so many of you keep coming back is testimony either to (1) an appreciation of good humor from your friendly host, eGrumps, or (2) your unbridled optimism that things will get better, because they couldn’t get any worse or (3) there is hope for all of us, no matter how bad eGrumps plagiarized sense of humor is. If you’d like to tell your friends about this site, be my guest – all you have to lose is their friendship.
If you would like to contact me, I can be reached at egrumps@egrumps.com, and I will give your email all the attention it deserves.
Onward and upward with today’s Pithy Comments:
Inevitable Slogans and Sayings
1. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
2. My rules apply to other people, not to myself.
3. Whatever it is – I didn’t do it.
4. Avoid reality at all costs.
5. Believe in Darwin, cancer cures smoking.
6. Never trust a nun with a gun.
7. I should have known better, every happy moment in my life came from lying.
8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry – you’ll get over it.
9. Smile – tomorrow will be worse. (Believe me about that, eGrumps)
Finally – as my friends have told me (both of them) – eGrumps, you haven’t lost your mind, it’s backed up on a disk somewhere.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, December 7th, 2010
Great pearls of wisdom created over the ages by learned sages, or so I was told by a learned sage who was trying to freeload a drink from me at the local pub.
1. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
2. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
3. Not tonight dear — I have a modem.
4. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.
5. Sex is a disrobic experience.
6. Work is the course of the drinking class.
7. “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.” (Henry Kissinger)
8. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, November 28th, 2010
All right – some of these are not famous.
Actually – I meant to type “Infamous.”
Read on anyhow, I need the readership.
Learn to be assertive, take charge of your TY remote control.
Women are all the same, they all want to be different.
Remember, it’s always darkest just before it gets black.
Honesty is the best policy, but who can afford it?
Now that I am approaching another birthday, I decided to heed this advice. “Sex over sixty can be deadly and dangerous.” I strongly recommend pulling over first.
Mrs. eGrumps and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” Henny Youngman.
Remember: “I” before “E”, except in “Budweiser.”
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Murphy’s Pithy Comments – One Liners to Live By
Sunday, November 20th, 2011Welcome to Pithy Comments – Murphy’s One Liners that have stood the test of time – even if Murphy proved mortal and did not stand the test of time. These are comments that were made in response to the legend that was Murphy and his law.
1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.
Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Laughter, Pithy Comment, Wit | No Comments »