Posts Tagged ‘eGrumps’
Saturday, April 28th, 2012
Welcome back, friends – It’s time to relive the glory days of last week, when I sent out other Murphyisms. I’m told nothing lives forever, but I don’t think, no, I know, that doesn’t apply to Murphy’s comments. Comedians may come and go, but Murphy lives forever.
If you’ve missed some earlier postings scroll down and treat yourself to a whole bunch of beautiful sayings. No matter what the self-help books say, what is time for if you can’t waste it.
1. (An old favorite) – Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth. (Actually, Murphy didn’t write that. Mrs. eGrumps thinks I did it, and I don’t want to disillusion her. It is rumored that the author was stabbed to death by his candy-loving girlfriend, and buried in an unmarked grave. He remains anonymous. His girlfriend was never caught.)
2. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
3. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
4. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
If we everything to lose by change, relax.
5. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. All’s well that ends.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, April 20th, 2012
Murphy returns – bring joy, happiness and good will to the citizens of the world, most of who have been in a severe state of depression caused by being alive in this world. Remember one of Murphy’s really obscure laws: “In a fight between you and the world, back the world.”
First – not from Murphy. but from me, eGrumps. I am distressed by the conduct of the American Secret Service agents, or at least some of them. Most of you don’t realize it, but I almost joined their previously elite ranks. I told the person doing the interview (man or woman is classified information but it was one of them) that I was interested in joining and going on foreign trips scouting for the President so I could hook up with a few hookers before he arrived and make sure that there were no plots afoot that would compromise his safety. I was turned down -”Son, we don’t do that sort of thing” I was told. They lied – it’s that simple – and I missed out on all those government paid fun things in foreign countries.
They went on to say “We don’t do any undercover work. Check the manual, you idiot.” As Murphy said: “Following the rules will not get the job done,”but I guess they never heard of that. So I went on to bigger, but not necessarily better, work. No undercover work? The hell you say. They lied!!! I may sue.
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Back to Murphy, my hero, who penned a few laws that are relevant to the Secret Service situation:
1. “Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
2. “Teamwork is essential. It is always necessary to blame someone else.”
3. “Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.”
4. “I’d rather go whoring than warring.”
5. “Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.”
6. “Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.”
There are more, but this is a family website.
Scroll on down for more great sayings by Murphy.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comments, Wit
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Sunday, April 15th, 2012
Another day, another series of one line classics that further the future of humanity. No matter what country you live in, these sayings will enhance your intellectual growth and contribute to your well-being.
My name is eGrumps and I have made it my too brief time on earth to ease your journey through the mistake of having serious sobriety problems. So – drink up, read on, and think about how lucky you truly are – well, you probably were truly lucky until you stumbled upon reading my stolen sayings.
1. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until we’ve solved it.
2. Never forget that the other line moves faster, until you switch lines, at which time your original line moves faster.
3. The first rule of intelligent thinking is to save all the parts.
4. My rules of expectations: 1) Negative expectations need yield negative results. 2) Positive expectations yield negative results.
5. In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper.
6. You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
If you remember nothing else from your studying of these maxims, remember – when all else fails, read the instructions.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, March 12th, 2012
Murphy lives! Trust me on this. Read on.
1. A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
2. History repeats itself, that is one of the things wrong with history.
3. The sumptuousness of a company’s annual report is in inverse proportion to its profitability.
4.(eGrumps addition) The number of footnotes in a financial statement is in inverse proportion to its profitability.
5. (More of the same thought) – The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
(Are the business schools trying to tell us something here?)
6. If there is a wrong thing to say, one will say it.
7. When your opponent is down, kick him.
8. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
(Scroll down to waste more time)
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Tags: eGrumps, Humor, Jokes, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comments, Wit
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Friday, March 9th, 2012
Saved from obscurity by the writer (or compiler) or better yet (the thief who stole these comments) in homage to the great one – Murphy. eGrumps, the thief, sits in abject humility as the feet of the memory of Murphy – one man who changed the world. Can one sit at the feet of a memory? Why not? It’s the least I can do in order to pay homage. Rest well, Murph old buddy.
1. After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket is missing.
2. Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman!
3. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
4. Of two possible outcomes, only the least desireable will be discovered first.
5. Anything worth doing is worth doing for the money.
6. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
7. When things are going well. something will go wrong.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, March 6th, 2012
I don’t know if Murphy is alive and well, but his comments are. They live on – like Peanuts, or someone, to forever entertain us and pay humble homage (terrific expression – humble homage – even though we are not humble, by any means) to his legacy. Indeed, we honor him by this website. (Written by eGrumps, a not so modest fellow)
Favorite of the day: — To err is human, but to really screw things up, requires a computer.
1. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money. (So why is this website free to all. I tried to get a sponsor and he wanted me to pay him – bummer)
2. The tire is only flat on the bottom.
3. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
4. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
5. When all else fails, read the instructions.
6. When things are going well, something will go wrong.
Laws of purchasing computers:
If it crashes, it will, but only after the warranty expires.
A necessary computer goes on sale only after you have bought it at the regular price.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, March 4th, 2012
Once can never have too many Pithy Comments relating to our hero – Murphy.
The principal comment, which has lasted through eternity – so far: “Murphy was an Optimist.”
The following are worth remembering, especially No. 8.
1. You can never run out of things that can go wrong.
2. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
3. Love is the delusion that one woman difers from another.
4. A TRUE CLASSIC: “Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.”
5. When you are up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.
6. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
7. First Law of Expert Advice: Don’t ask the barber if you need a haircut.
8. The Nonreciprocal law of expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Scroll down if you have nothing better to do, and it is
hard to believe that you have anything better to do.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, March 1st, 2012
These Pithy Comments have stood the results of time, Time Magazine, and the New York Times – that’s how bad they are. I tried Newsweek but they deleted my eMail – they were smarter than I thought, which doesn’t mean much in the way of measurements.
Today is tomorrow’s yesterday. So if you are longing for the good old days, you are there.
1. Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
2. It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
3. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
4. Suicide is the most severe form of self-criticism.
5. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
6. Rehab is for quitters.
7. There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother, he’s an adult.
This usually happens at about age 45.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, February 26th, 2012
Murphy is somewhere in cyberspace jumping up and down in glee, or rolling over in happiness from his grave, thanking me, and all of you, for perpetuating his memory. “Don’t worry, Murph, we’ll never forget you.” (eGrumps)
Theses were not actually penned, by Murph, but written by his legion of fans expanding upon his basic principle, whatever that was.
a comment from eGrumps — “Whatever was, was – whatever is, is — and that’s that.”
1. Virtue is its own punishment.
2. It’s not, love that lasts forever, it’s plastic.
3. The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do.
4. When all else fails, read the instructions.
5. Science is true. don’t be misled by facts.
6. If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
7. If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
(Scroll on down for more – Murph would appreciate it, and besides no ads to distract from the genius of Murphy and detract from the poverty of eGrumps.)
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, February 23rd, 2012
Sometimes I, eGrumps, feel a higher calling. Someone is telling me not to let Murphy’s rare comments (and comments by those commenting upon Murphy’s comments) die. It’s a tough and dirty job, but I feel I have to do it. “eGrumps, if you’d take a shower before you posted these comments, you’d find it isn’t so dirty. Tough maybe since you can’t type worth a damn, but not dirty.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Your intelligence, my love, leaves a little bit to be desired. Actually, a lot to be desired, Honey Bunch, you are a certified idiot. Leave me to my true mission in life. Bug off.” (eGrumps).
1. There is no time like the present for postponing what you don’t want to do.
2. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since no one listens.
3. Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
4. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing. (I’ll drink to that!)
5. The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people at the meeting.
6. Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
7. The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them to the impossible.
Murphy – rest well, you may be gone, but not forgotten. No greater honor can be bestowed upon you than to have eGrumps save your obscure comments, not to mention saving comments by those who have commented upon your comments.
If you have nothing better to do, go to www.egrumps.com and see my very feasible plan to reduce the unemployment rate to zero. It’s a plan worthy of Murphy.
If you still have nothing better to do, scroll down and read other one-line comments. You will not be tested on them in the morning, or the evening, whatever time it is when you are reading this.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, February 19th, 2012
Welcome friends from eGrumps (that’s me – usually my friends (both of them) just call me Grumps – probably more accurate.) Remember – every man has a scheme that doesn’t work. I guess Mrs. eGrumps is a scheme. (“eGrumps you’re still an idiot. Grow up instead of out.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
A few of Murphy’s Laws on Sex:
1. Never sleep with anyone crazier that you.
2. Sex is dirty only if it is done right.
3. Sex has no calories.
4. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
5. Thou shall not commit adultery…unless you’re in the mood.
A few other notable one-liners.
1. Death before dishonor – Nothing before coffee.
2. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
3. A balanced diet is a cookie in every hand.
4. My observation when I am waiting in a line, any line, for anything – the other line moves faster.
(Scroll down – waste more time. It’s the right thing to do, especially if you are at work)
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, February 16th, 2012
These are One Liners for the Ages. In short, they are ageless, actually they are so old they’re stale. It is my mission on the Internet to promulgate their publication so they will get a new lease on life. A new beginning, so to speak, so that the world will long remember them, or me, or maybe them and me (but not remember Mrs. eGrumps – she is remarkably non-rememberable. “eGrumps – you are a certified idiot” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Sweaty dear, honey bunch – I am not certified – and give me my allowance or I’ll tell the truth about you, you miserable bitch.” (eGrumps)
1. The longer the title, the less important the job.
2.When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
3. The idea is to die young as late as possible.
4. All things considered – life is 9 to 5 against.
5. “I can’t give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.” (My philosophy teacher – that idiot – what did he know)
6. My job is only marginally better than daytime TV.
7. My law of drinking – you can’t fall off the floor. Or from an old English buddy – he is not drunk who can get off the floor and ask for more.
8. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
(Tell your friends to check this website out – it is a guaranteed way to lose friends.)
Best to all eGrumps
Scroll down if you want to waste more time
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Wednesday, February 15th, 2012
More one-line “jokes” to entertain you, please you (but maybe not entertain you) and expose you to the finer things of life. If you believe that about these one-liners, you are sick, sick, sick. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Warning: I am not qualified to give medical advice, or any other type of advice, so maybe forget the aspirin. Actually – I have been called a half-assed doctor, so maybe only take one aspirin.
REMEMBER – THERE IS A SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS FINDING IT.
1. Mathematics is made up of 50% formulas, 50% proof and 50% imagination.
2. I heard that parallel lines meet, but they are very discrete.
3. Rome did not make a great empire by holding meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.
4. Never knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run like hell. (He hates that).
5. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
6. There is no future in time travel.
7. My motto: “Better living through denial.”
8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry it will pass.
9. Scroll on Down – Waste More Time.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, February 13th, 2012
I will probably forget to tell you that you should not forget these brief contributions to your future as an after-dinner speaker. So you should remember, and don’t blame me if you don’t (“eGrumps”).
1. Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
2. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
3. Learn from your parent’s mistakes — use birth control.
4. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but it at least is the scenic route.
5. I believe no problem is so large or difficult that it can’t be blamed on someone else.
6. I intend to live forever – so far so good.
7. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
8. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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(Scroll down — it’s a trip through memory lane to see so many stolen “jokes.”)
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, February 11th, 2012
More of Murphy’s Minor Laws. Saved from the garbage can of history by eGrumps (yours truly). This series (scroll down for more) is my contribution to preserving that which probably shouldn’t be preserved, but is being saved here until the end of time, or until my computer crashes, whichever comes first.
1. Smile – tomorrow will be worse.
2. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
3. You never run out of things that can go wrong.
4. When you are over the hill, you pick up speed (This is particularly distressing because it has been said, but not to my face, that I, eGrumps, am over the hill).
5. If you want your name spelled wrong, die.
6, It is always Mrs. eGrumps fault. (This has been modified to bring it current, and besides, I like to get Mrs. eGrumps mad)
7. Misery no longer love’s company — it insists upon it.
OLD AGE IS ALWAYS FIFTEEN YEARS OLDER THAN I AM!!!
Scroll down – it always pays to waste more time.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, February 5th, 2012
Murphy’s Minor Laws have almost been lost in the quicksands of time, but they are worth saving.
1. All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by the payment of the invoice.
2.If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
3. Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.
4.The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come your way again.
5. If everything were left to chance, they’d be better.
6. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
7. Every solution breeds new problems.
Murphy was an optimist.
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Scroll on down for more observations on the fickle finger of fate.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, February 4th, 2012
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, February 3rd, 2012
Welcome to another edition of one-line bits of philosophy for the Masses (since only one person is reading this at a time) perhaps it should say “Bits of philosophy for one of the Masses.” It that doesn’t work for you, invite a friend to view it with you together, but it is possible that you may lose that friend, and then “we” would be back where we started. I can’t handle all of this heavy thinking. Mrs. eGrumps says the only heavy thinking I do is when I am deciding what to order for dinner, but what does she know? If she was smart, she wouldn’t have married me in the first place – but she has put all of “my” property in her name, so I may have misjudged her.
As a far smarter man than me (believe it, they exist – not many, however) once said….. Mrs. eGrumps just passed me a note reading “eGrumps, you’re an egotistical idiot.” I am not egotistical.
On with the one-liners, which is why you came here in the first place:
1. What is the sense of having power if you can’t abuse it?”
2. In commenting on the relative safety of two types of medical procedures that could be used in an operation the medical journal said as follows:
in one procedure it was determined that one procedure increased the risk of a “catastrophic event, such as death or a heart attack.” It is great news that it did not increase the risk of a non-catastrophic event, such the increased risk of developing ingrown toenails or the rapid spread of dandruff. My suggestion – go with the cheaper procedure, regardless if it is not as effective. If it doesn’t work and you die, your spouse will have more money to bury you. (“eGrumps, that is the smartest thing you ever said. Maybe you’re not such an idiot after all.” Mrs. eGrumps)
3. The EU has banned the advertising claim that water can prevent dehydration – that is really true. What a bunch of idiots!
4. Beware of the person who doesn’t drink
5. The future isn’t what it used to be.
6. “Your public servants serve you right.” (Adlai Stevenson)
7. She got the gold mine, I got the shaft.
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(Scroll on down for more of this stolen brilliance”
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, January 6th, 2012
Here are a few one-line jokes that have stood the test of time and are worthy of your attention – assuming you are worthy of anything. Of course, if you are indeed worthy of something, why are you wasting your time here. (These are brought to you by virtue of one very sick individual – eGrumps (that’s me)
1. Definition of a minor operation: “One that is performed on someone else.”
2. Be nice to your friends. If it wasn’t for them you’d be a total stranger.
3. She’s got a million dollar figure. The trouble is it is all in loose change.
4. If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
5. Money can’t buy happiness. That’s why we have credit cards.
6. A boss is someone who is late when you are early, and early when you are late.
7. Advertisement: For Sale – twin beds with a worn carpet.
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That’s it for today. Why not scroll down for further pearls of wisdom and waste more of your valuable time? eGrumps
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, December 16th, 2011
It’s time for more one liners destined to find their place in history. Murphy-be-damned —- these are good, no, great, no awesome. Enjoy —- eGrumps
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth — (This appeared earlier, but it is well worth repeating.)
2. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
3. The United States Department of Justice is being sued by a Nevada brothel. They claim that they used the phrase “Fast and Furious” for many years and the DOJ has wrongfully stolen their best advertising banner.
4. Gambling — that’s throwing money away when other people cheer you on.
5. Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.
6. I don’t want to say my kid is an idiot, but when I bought him a zebra, he named it spot.
7. From Mark Twain:
“There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics.”
“There is one way to tell if a man is honest. Ask him, and if he says “yes,” then you know he is crooked.”
“I’m pushing sixty. That’s enough exercise for me.”
SCROLL ON DOWN
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Mark Twain, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Murphy (Part 7 +/-) — Alive and Well. Obscure Comments that Will outlast Old Murph.
Saturday, April 28th, 2012Welcome back, friends – It’s time to relive the glory days of last week, when I sent out other Murphyisms. I’m told nothing lives forever, but I don’t think, no, I know, that doesn’t apply to Murphy’s comments. Comedians may come and go, but Murphy lives forever.
If you’ve missed some earlier postings scroll down and treat yourself to a whole bunch of beautiful sayings. No matter what the self-help books say, what is time for if you can’t waste it.
1. (An old favorite) – Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth. (Actually, Murphy didn’t write that. Mrs. eGrumps thinks I did it, and I don’t want to disillusion her. It is rumored that the author was stabbed to death by his candy-loving girlfriend, and buried in an unmarked grave. He remains anonymous. His girlfriend was never caught.)
2. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
3. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
4. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
If we everything to lose by change, relax.
5. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. All’s well that ends.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, Pithy Comment, Wit
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