Treat your wife with respect. Don’t hit her in front of her relatives.

Countless conflicts can be avoided by walking out on your wife for years at a time.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got a girlfriend.

I knew my wife was getting suspicious when she stopped reading Vogue and started reading Guns and Ammo.

Always speak to your wife is soothing, patronizing tones.

One common myth states that hitting is no way to solve a marital dispute, but studies show that is not always the case.

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Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.

If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a number of times.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Take the road not taken. The leaves crunch much louder.

A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words, depending on how good looking you are.

I have all the answers. It’s just that most of them are not right.

The more you cry, the less you have to pee.

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I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Brain cells come,  and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Some times age comes alone.

Don’t be afraid to try something new. Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

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Bug? That’s not a bug, it’s a feature.

Any program that runs right is obsolete.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Home is where the computer is plugged in (or has access to  Wi-Fi).

You had mail, but the computer deleted it as being boring.

Warning Keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.

To be or not to be, those are the parameters.

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1. Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.

2. Don’t say anything until the meeting is half over. This stamps you as being wise.

3. Be as vague as possible. This prevents you from iritating others.

4. When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.

5. Be the first to move for adjournment. This will make you popular — it is what everyone has been waiting for.

eGrumps advice:

Never, ever join a committee, unless either (i) you want to lose your friends on the committee, or (ii) you are the sole member.

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I gave up drinking, smoking and sex. It was the worst fifteen minutes of my life.

Sex is like air. It isn’t important unless you are not getting any.

Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.

So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?

The world is coming to an end, please log off.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

There is no gravity – the earth sucks.

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“Huh? Murph, don’t bother me with details. It’s all your fault by creating Obscure Laws. If you didn’t create them in the first place, I couldn’t publish them and remove their obscurity.” (eGrumps)

“Huh? eGrumps, if I didn’t want to make them obscure, I wouldn’t have published them.” (Murphy)

“Murph. I want to introduce you to Mrs. eGrumps. She thinks I am a a first class idiot, but maybe that’s because she hasn’t met you.” (eGrumps)

“Anyhow, grumps, here are few more obscure laws from which you can remove the veil of obscurity.” (Murphy)

1. Evil is live spelled backwards.

2. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. (Otherwise known as “If So,  How Come it All Landed on Me Law.”

3. If it feels good, don’t do it.

4. No man with four aces ever howls for a new deal.

5. The chief causes of problems are solutions.

6. You can conquer gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.

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Scroll on down for other formerly obscure laws.

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The object is to die young as late as possible.

In an underdeveloped country, don”t drink the water. In a developed country, don’t breathe the air.

Nothing is ever done for the right reason.

Everything breaks down.

All things being equal, all things are never equal.

eGrumps First Law of Drinking – “You can’t fall off the floor.”

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Scroll on down for more obscure laws.

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It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

eGrumps slogan, originally from some Murphy imitator (like me): Beware of and eschew pompous prolixity.

When you’re up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.

If you are feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.

The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

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All right, here a few more of Murphy’s Obscure Laws:

1. Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

2. Every man (and woman) has a scheme that will not work.

3. When in doubt, mumble.

4. For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.

5. The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant: the population is growing.

eGrumps favorite:

6. If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

(For Parts One and Two of Murphy’s Obscure Laws – scroll down. As a matter of fact, scroll down even further for lots of Pithy Comments)

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