Archive for the ‘Wit’ Category
Monday, October 17th, 2011
Here are some gems from the annals of Pithidom:
1. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
2. If I look confused, it is because I am thinking.
3. “The rule of my life is to make pleasure a business, and business a pleasure.” (Unknown lady of the night)
4. All television is children’s television.
5. ADAM WAS THE PERFECT FIGURE OF A MAN AND EVE WAS INCREDABLLY BEAUTIFUL – so where did all the ugly people come from?
6. Make three consecutive correct guesses, and you will establish yourself as an expert.
7. Make love, not war – but be prepared for both.
Best to you from eGrumps.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, September 26th, 2011
The eGrumps diet plan modeled after the government’s-reduce-the-spending plans. It will work – I guarantee it. For example:
1. The doctor told me I had to lose 10 pounds.
2. Over the next five years I would have gained 10 pounds.
3. If I keep my same eating habits and my weight steady, I will not gain 10 pounds over the next five years.
4. Therefore – I will have lost the ten pounds I did not gain.
It’s very simple – the government does it all the time. If it doesn’t increase spending, it will have lost the amount of the spending increase because it did not increase spending. ERGO – the government has reduced spending by not increasing spending.
If it works for them it’ll work for you – but perhaps you should not tell your doctor that you are following the eGrumps plan and how you intend to lose the 10 pounds.
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Tags: Diet, Dieting, eGrumps, Humor, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Satire, Wit
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Thursday, September 22nd, 2011
Pithyville – Welcome – more pithy comments for all of you. Hang loose, because that’s the best way to hang. As my cow-rustler grandfather said before he was marched to the gallows — “Nobody ever did any constructive thinking with a noose around his neck.” Neckties should be banned–they do not contribute to constructive thinking. or any other kind of thinking, except how do I prevent them from getting stained when I drink soup.
1. “There can’t be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” (Henry Kissinger)
2. A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
3. To lose is to learn. (Spoken by losers the world over. No winner ever said that)
4. The dice have no memory. (Neither do politicans.)
5. The girl who is easy to get may be hard to take.
6. “I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” (Fred Allen)
7. It’s easy to tell who your friends are. They’re the ones that stab you in the front.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, September 20th, 2011
More Pithy Comments from your devoted leader, eGrumps:
SCIENCE IS TRUE. DON’T BE MISLED BY FACTS. (LOVE IT – IT IS THE STORY OF MY CAREER AS A RESEARCH SCIENTIST (EMERITUS)).
1. Hell is the place where everything tests perfectly, and nothing works.
2. There are no answers, only cross-references.
3. Computers are useless, all they give you is answers.
4. In mathematics, you don’t understand things, only get used to them.
5. Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, September 18th, 2011
“A very happy Pithy Comment Day to you from me, the forgettable eGrumps.. There is no such official day, but there sure ought to be one. Think what a boon that would be for humankind. Everybody can say stupid things and no one could dare criticize you. They’ll probably think you’re a politician anyhow, and you know how pithy they are. So let us get to the good stuff.” eGrumps
1. eGrump’s Investment principle: “Never invest in anything that eats.”
2 .He who hesitates is probably right.
3. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (Washington learned this some time ago.)
4. A rumor doesn’t gain credence until it is officially denied.
5. Computers are not intelligent, they only think they are.
6. Washington’s law of taxes: Whatever goes up, stays up.
7. Random events tend to occur in groups.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, September 9th, 2011
The following inherently contradictory statements are called Oxymorons. Read them and you’ll see why. They still qualify as Pithy Comments, or one liners, For example:
1. “Stay with me. I want to be alone.” (Joey Adams)
2. “I want to die young at a ripe old age.” (Ashley Montague)
3.”People have one thing in common. They are all different.” (Robert Zend)
4. “Only when a woman is openly bad is she really good.” (Publilius Styrus – 1st Century B.C.) (This one, for some reason is quite popular.)
5. “Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” (John Updyke)
(Try this with your girlfriend or boyfriend – It couldn’t hurt the seduction process – I think)
6.”Housework – If it is done right, it can kill you.” (John Skow)
7. “There is nothing so permanent as a temporary job in Washington.” (George Allen)
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Oxymorons, Pithy Comment, Satire, Wit
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Wednesday, September 7th, 2011
Welcome to eGrumps one-line magnificent (?) and awesome (?) collection of humor (+/-)
1. I have no plans and I have no plan to have plans.
2. I hate mornings. I get up at the crack of noon.
3. The limerick packs laughs anatomical.
into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones we’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom comical.
(All right – it’s not a one liner, but who’s counting.
4. “Virus:” A Latin word used by the doctors meaning your guess is as good as mine.
5. I’m sick and tied of being sick and tired.
6. My airplane to New York was so old it had an outside toilet.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, August 27th, 2011
Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
I am confused, therefore I am.
I was put on earth to show that not everything has a purpose.
Laziness is nothing more than resting before you get tired.
America has the highest standard of living in the world. It’s just a pity we can’t afford it.
If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the pavement.
CHECK OUT WWW.EGRUMPS.COM – Very funny, if I do say so myself, but then I wrote it.
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Tags: Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, July 1st, 2011
A very early Happy 4th of July to each of you. Many of you do not reside in the U.S., and for those of you, please celebrate our Independence Day. As someone (not me) once said – “Party like there is no tomorrow.” Actually, If Iran gets The Bomb, there may not be a tomorrow. So – PARTY ON, but first read on for some noteworthy pithy comments that I stole:
1. Health food makes me sick.
2. “Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to.” (Mark Twain)
3. To improve your memory, lend people money.
4. He took his misfortune like a man, he blamed it on his wife..
5. Money talks. It says “good-bye.”
6. If it is illegal to send obscenity through the mail, how come my utility bills get through.
7. Even a paranoid can have enemies.
8. Give a criminal enough rope, and he’ll tie up a cashier.
Scroll on down for the really good stuff.
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Tags: Bumper Stickers, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Wednesday, June 29th, 2011
It is time for another day and night of classic pithy comments, stolen by yours truly (aka eGrumps) to gladden your day, not to mention your night.
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
2. I took my misfortune like a man. I blamed it on my wife.
3. A backache is man’s greatest labor saving device.
4. I wish I had a dental appointment to cancel. It brightens my day.
5. It is not good to waken a sleeping lion. (This pithy comment has very little practical value unless you live in a zoo).
6. You know you are in a tough neighborhood when you go into a church and there is graffiti on the walls.
GOT TIME – SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE AD-FREE PITHYISMS (I don’t think that is a word, but it should be.) You don’t have enough time? Nonsense – what better way to spend time than to use it to improve your culture.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, June 24th, 2011
From the repository of famous Pithy Comments stolen by eGrumps:
History repeats itself. That is one of the things that is wrong with history.
A complex system that works is invariably derived from a simple system that works.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Random events tend to occur in groups.
Never, ever stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.
First Law of Medical School Taught to Students: “Never say ‘I’m new at this.’”
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Scroll down for other stolen pithy comments
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, June 19th, 2011
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“I am free of all prejudices, I hate everyone equally” (W.C.Fields)
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A long bad book just makes the book twice as bad.
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Though God cannot alter the past, historians can — also politicians.
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If you put too many stamps on a letter, will it go too far?
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Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the Ark.
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I have a two way computer. It either works or it doesn’t.
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My secretary is very efficient. She hasn’t missed a coffee break in ten years.
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(Please Scroll Down) – the pithiest may be behind you)
Tags: Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, June 16th, 2011
In the game of life, like in the game of craps – the dice have no memory. (I don’t really understand that, but it sounded good, whatever it means.)
To err is human, but to really foul things up, you need a computer.
When attempting to type in an outgoing server address, it is best to us “smtp,” not “stmp.” or is it the other way around?
A bureaucracy is an organization that has raised stupidity to the status of a religion.
The Rational Fallacy — Everything happens because of a reason.
Never, ever do anything you would not be caught dead doing.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, June 7th, 2011
Pithy Comments that May Cause You to Shake Your Head and/in Wonder….
eGrump’s (the author of these brief items of brilliance) basic philosophy: No matter where you go, there you are. (Trust me on this)
Computers are useless. All they do is give you answers.
First Rule of Politics: Truth Varies.
A rumor doesn’t gain believability until it is denied.
He who hesitates is probably right.
You can never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Tags: Bumper Stickers, eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, January 17th, 2011
With the popularity of electric tooth brushes, the major cause of tooth decay is weak batteries.
My sister kept going out with an undertaker. I figured he was only out for her body.
Bumper sticker of the day: “Tell me about yourself, your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.”
Unless you readers give me, eGrumps, unqualified praise, I must ignore you.
eGrumps is the type of man who can brighten anyone’s day – just by saying goodbye.
A banker is simply a pawnbroker with a manicure.
I’ll always meet you half-way. You admit I was right and I’ll admit you were wrong.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, December 16th, 2010
A few more borrowed (actually “stolen” would be a better word) one liners from the old plagiarizer himself, eGrumps:
1. Of course it is the murder weapon, who would frame somebody with a fake?
2. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
3. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
4. This is an excellent time to become a missing person.
5. Drugs may be the route to nowhere, but at least they’re the scenic route.
6. According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
7. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
8. Great question from your sweet little child: “Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up the floppy disk?”
9. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, December 10th, 2010
Welcome to all my anonymous friends all over the world. The fact that so many of you keep coming back is testimony either to (1) an appreciation of good humor from your friendly host, eGrumps, or (2) your unbridled optimism that things will get better, because they couldn’t get any worse or (3) there is hope for all of us, no matter how bad eGrumps plagiarized sense of humor is. If you’d like to tell your friends about this site, be my guest – all you have to lose is their friendship.
If you would like to contact me, I can be reached at egrumps@egrumps.com, and I will give your email all the attention it deserves.
Onward and upward with today’s Pithy Comments:
Inevitable Slogans and Sayings
1. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
2. My rules apply to other people, not to myself.
3. Whatever it is – I didn’t do it.
4. Avoid reality at all costs.
5. Believe in Darwin, cancer cures smoking.
6. Never trust a nun with a gun.
7. I should have known better, every happy moment in my life came from lying.
8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry – you’ll get over it.
9. Smile – tomorrow will be worse. (Believe me about that, eGrumps)
Finally – as my friends have told me (both of them) – eGrumps, you haven’t lost your mind, it’s backed up on a disk somewhere.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, December 7th, 2010
Great pearls of wisdom created over the ages by learned sages, or so I was told by a learned sage who was trying to freeload a drink from me at the local pub.
1. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
2. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
3. Not tonight dear — I have a modem.
4. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.
5. Sex is a disrobic experience.
6. Work is the course of the drinking class.
7. “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.” (Henry Kissinger)
8. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, November 30th, 2010
If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast and cheap.
eGrumps’ one liners are like deja vu all over again.
You know you’re schizophrenic when you get two bills from your psychiatrist.
Living – it is the only thing worth dying for.
Always try to do things in chronological order – it’s less confusing that way.
Nothing is so simple it can’t be screwed up.
The easiest way to figure out when you got pregnant is to have sex once a year.
Never confuse having a career with having a life.
Beta software is undergoing testing when it is released. Actually, “Beta” is Latin for” still doesn’t work.”
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, November 29th, 2010
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
A good duct tape job will fix almost anything.
“Ambulance problems:
1. Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but temporary, deafness
2. Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but temporary, blindness.
Theses rules do not apply in California where motorists are apparently oblivious to any traffic laws.”
“The game of catch has never been so much fun.” The inventor of the hand grenade.
Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they will not go to yours.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
If you think there is good in everybody, you obviously haven’t met me.
“The statement below is true.”
“The statement above is false.”
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Pithy Comments (I can forget and you can forget, but a piece of paper never forgets.)
Monday, October 17th, 2011Here are some gems from the annals of Pithidom:
1. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
2. If I look confused, it is because I am thinking.
3. “The rule of my life is to make pleasure a business, and business a pleasure.” (Unknown lady of the night)
4. All television is children’s television.
5. ADAM WAS THE PERFECT FIGURE OF A MAN AND EVE WAS INCREDABLLY BEAUTIFUL – so where did all the ugly people come from?
6. Make three consecutive correct guesses, and you will establish yourself as an expert.
7. Make love, not war – but be prepared for both.
Best to you from eGrumps.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit | No Comments »