Archive for the ‘Wit’ Category
More One Line Jokes – Pearls of Wisdom — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — (from eGrumps)
Thursday, December 16th, 2010More One Line Jokes – Pearls of Wisdom — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — (from eGrumps)
Friday, December 10th, 2010Welcome to all my anonymous friends all over the world. The fact that so many of you keep coming back is testimony either to (1) an appreciation of good humor from your friendly host, eGrumps, or (2) your unbridled optimism that things will get better, because they couldn’t get any worse or (3) there is hope for all of us, no matter how bad eGrumps plagiarized sense of humor is. If you’d like to tell your friends about this site, be my guest – all you have to lose is their friendship.
If you would like to contact me, I can be reached at egrumps@egrumps.com, and I will give your email all the attention it deserves.
Onward and upward with today’s Pithy Comments:
Inevitable Slogans and Sayings
1. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
2. My rules apply to other people, not to myself.
3. Whatever it is – I didn’t do it.
4. Avoid reality at all costs.
5. Believe in Darwin, cancer cures smoking.
6. Never trust a nun with a gun.
7. I should have known better, every happy moment in my life came from lying.
8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry – you’ll get over it.
9. Smile – tomorrow will be worse. (Believe me about that, eGrumps)
Finally – as my friends have told me (both of them) – eGrumps, you haven’t lost your mind, it’s backed up on a disk somewhere.
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One Line Jokes – Pearls of Wisdom — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — (from eGrumps)
Tuesday, December 7th, 2010Great pearls of wisdom created over the ages by learned sages, or so I was told by a learned sage who was trying to freeload a drink from me at the local pub.
1. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
2. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
3. Not tonight dear — I have a modem.
4. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.
5. Sex is a disrobic experience.
6. Work is the course of the drinking class.
7. “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.” (Henry Kissinger)
8. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
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Famous, and Not-so-Famous, One Liners — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments from eGrumps. (November 30, 2010)
Tuesday, November 30th, 2010If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast and cheap.
eGrumps’ one liners are like deja vu all over again.
You know you’re schizophrenic when you get two bills from your psychiatrist.
Living – it is the only thing worth dying for.
Always try to do things in chronological order – it’s less confusing that way.
Nothing is so simple it can’t be screwed up.
The easiest way to figure out when you got pregnant is to have sex once a year.
Never confuse having a career with having a life.
Beta software is undergoing testing when it is released. Actually, “Beta” is Latin for” still doesn’t work.”
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Famous, and Not-so-Famous, One Liners. Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments from eGrumps.
Monday, November 29th, 2010I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
A good duct tape job will fix almost anything.
“Ambulance problems:
1. Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but temporary, deafness
2. Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but temporary, blindness.
Theses rules do not apply in California where motorists are apparently oblivious to any traffic laws.”
“The game of catch has never been so much fun.” The inventor of the hand grenade.
Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they will not go to yours.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
If you think there is good in everybody, you obviously haven’t met me.
“The statement below is true.”
“The statement above is false.”
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
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Famous One Line Jokes. Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — from eGrumps
Sunday, November 28th, 2010All right – some of these are not famous.
Actually – I meant to type “Infamous.”
Read on anyhow, I need the readership.
Learn to be assertive, take charge of your TY remote control.
Women are all the same, they all want to be different.
Remember, it’s always darkest just before it gets black.
Honesty is the best policy, but who can afford it?
Now that I am approaching another birthday, I decided to heed this advice. “Sex over sixty can be deadly and dangerous.” I strongly recommend pulling over first.
Mrs. eGrumps and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” Henny Youngman.
Remember: “I” before “E”, except in “Budweiser.”
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One-Line Jokes (Mostly) Stolen, Modified, and Always Improved by eGrumps – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – October 24. 2010
Sunday, October 24th, 2010How’s the wife and my kids?
A joke is a very serious thing.
There was a young man from Peru.
Whose limericks stopped at two.
Computer repairmen are a menace to civilization. Not microbes.
Laughter is wonderful, but it does take a lot of exertion.
“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul, can always count on the support of Paul.” George Bernard Shaw. (This quotation has been the inspiration for most, if not all, of the efforts by Washington to do whatever they think they are doing for the American economy.)
“Familiarity breeds contempt, and children.” Mark Twain
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
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Murphy (and friends) comments – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – October 17, 2010.
Sunday, October 17th, 2010Sorry team – eGrumps has been out of circulation for about a week. Nothing serious, I think I OD’d on Mrs. eGrumps cooking. How was she to know, she said, that the container of rat poison wasn’t seasoning for her pasta. Damn, but I hate that woman. I know she wouldn’t lie to me, would she? Nah – well, may be a little bit. Actually that was the best tasting pasta she ever made, which tells you something about her cooking ability.
Alway remember this basic principle:
No mater what your aim in life,
No matter what your goal.
Keep your eye upon the donut,
And not upon the hole.
That has absolutely nothing to do with her cooking skills, or lack thereof, but I kind of like the poem. I have consistently ignored it all my miserable life, and what has it gotten me – a lying wife. She tried to poison me, and then said she didn’t.
But I digress from the basis tenet of this web site – one-liners and pithy comments. So here are a few I accumulated during my absence.
1.Every man has a scheme that will not work.
2. If you want to kill any idea in the world today – get a committee working on it.
3. Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmill.
4. When the going gets tough, it isn’t true that the tough get going – actually everyone leaves.
5. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
6. If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.
7. Never, ever buy rat poison when you wife sends you to the market.
“Have a great day.I don’t suppose you’d believe I was only kidding about Mrs. eGrumps pasta recipe.” eGrumps.
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A Happy Retirement (and other fictions) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – October 2, 2010.
Saturday, October 2nd, 2010“Retirement can be a happy time, a pleasant time, a joyous time, unless you are married to the retiree.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
“eGrumps – some day you’ll go far, and I hope you stay there.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
A diplomat is the only person who can say to his opponent: “Congratulations, you lose.”
eGrumps enjoys procrastination – it gives him something to do tomorrow.
At a banquet where eGrumps was the guest of honor, he stated: “I don’t know whether I have been introduced or read my Miranda rights.”
There’s strange thing about memory. Damned if I can remember what it was.
“I have never taken any exercise except sleep and rest.” (Mark Twain) “Mark was my kind of person” (eGrumps) ”eGrumps, he must hve been talking about you.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Mrs. eGrumps, you, my dear, are a certified idiot.”(eGrumps). “I am not certified.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
Happy October!
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Murphy (Again) and More of His Less than Famous Laws – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — from eGrumps — September 29, 2010.
Wednesday, September 29th, 2010Make three consecutive guesses correctly, and you have established yourself as an expert..
What this world needs is a damn good plague.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, then you’ve got something.
If it’s good, they’ll stop making it.
Every man has a scheme that will not work.
The Law of Institutional Food. “Everything is cold except what should be.”
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other,
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
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Murphy (Again) and More of His Less than Famous Laws – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — from eGrumps — September 24, 2010.
Friday, September 24th, 2010There are only two problems with people. The first is they don’t think, the second is they do.
The Pollyanna Paradox: “Every day in every way things get better and better, then worse in the evening.”
If your experiment works, you much be using the wrong equipment.
There is no such thing as a large whiskey.
If the Lord had intended us to travel in tourist class, he would have made us narrower.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Even paranoids have enemies.
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Murphy (Again) and More of His Less than Famous Laws – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — from eGrumps — September 16, 2010.
Thursday, September 16th, 2010In every organization there will be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired, or
On every Board of Directors, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be committed, or
In every government department, there will always be one person who will know what is going on. This person must be demoted, or
On every Congressional committee, there will always be one person who will know what is going on. This person must be transferred to a new committee, or
In every school room, there will always be one student who knows what the teacher really means. This person must be flunked, or
In every group of readers who read these postings, there will not be one person who thinks eGrumps is an awesome person. This group must be enlarged, no matter what the cost until someone can be admitted to the group who thinks eGrumps is brilliant, awesome, and, not to mention it, a truly handsome devil. (“It may take a very large group to find such an individual, if, indeed one can be found at all.” Mrs. eGrumps)(“Damn, but I hate that woman. I must have been drunk when I married her.” eGrumps)
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Murphy (again) and His Less Famous Laws – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps — September 14, 2010
Tuesday, September 14th, 2010The alternative to growing old is depressing.
The idea is to die young, as late as possible.
Evil is live spelled backwards. (“I don’t know why that has any relevance to anything.” eGrumps)
If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first class.
One of eGrumps laws about computers: “If a computer cable has one end, it should have another.”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Continued) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps – September 10, 2010
Friday, September 10th, 2010Tonight I dedicate these one line jokes to those who were murdered on September 11, 2001. May they rest in peace. It’s not much of a tribute, but merely having them in our memory will show that we remember, and I for one will never forget the pictures of that terrible day.
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Work harder and not smarder, and be careful of yur speling.
If it is not in your computer, it doesn’t exist.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. (“eGrumps, you’re not shy.” Mrs. eGrumps”)(“I sure hate that woman.” eGrumps)
The game of love is never called off because of darkness.
When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage (or, in a similar vein)
Too often, you will find the volume of paper expands to fill all space in the available briefcase.
Food that tastes the best always has the highest number of calories.
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One Line Comments, Except Where There Are Two Lines, Random Thoughts – Jokes, Humor and Pithy Comments from eGrumps: His Tribute to Labor Day – “No Matter What Your Aim in Life, No Matter What Your Goal. Keep Your Eye Upon the Doughnut, and Not Upon the Hole.”
Monday, September 6th, 2010eGrumps basic philosophy: “Nothing is so simple that it can’t be screwed up.”
If you believe everything you read, don’t read (Except for Pithy Comments, of course).
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they will be when you kill them.
Duct tape is like The Force. It has a dark side and a light side, and it holds the universe together.
The difference between a pig and a fox is about four drinks.
An adult is someone who is old enough to know better.
People have dogs for pets. Cats have people for pets.
IMPORTANT: The sure proof that intelligent life exists on other planets is that no one has bothered to make contact with us.
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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Part ???), Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps – September 3, 2010
Friday, September 3rd, 2010eGrumps basic philosophy: Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
She who is silent consents.
Never underestimate the power of stupidity.
The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse.
One cannot make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. But, it is amazing how many eggs can be broken without making an omelet.
Men and nations will react rationally when all other possibilities are exhausted.
If things were left to chance, they’d be better.
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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Part ???), Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments -from eGrumps – September 2, 2010
Thursday, September 2nd, 2010Murphy was an optimist!
Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
Money can’t buy love, but it can get you in a great bargaining position.
You never run out of things that can go wrong.
Every man (woman) has a scheme that will not work.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
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Premarital Sex and Other One Line Classics of Wit and Humor – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps.
Monday, August 23rd, 2010It isn’t premarital sex if you don’t get married.
The second day of a diet is easier than the first. By the second day you are off of it.
Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo.
Prayers are always answered. Unfortunately, the answer is usually “no.”
I am in the prime of senility.
The wages of sin are unreported.
The more you cry, the less you have to pee.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.
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Scroll down for other brilliant one-line jokes, unless you have something better to do with your time, which I find hard to believe, and if you think you do have something better to do, your priorities are screwed up.
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One-Liners that Rock (Part Four) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps – August 15, 2010
Sunday, August 15th, 2010Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the right size screw.
An adult is someone who knows better.
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Things aren’t always what they seem. Usually they are worse.
Owners of digital watches. Your days are numbered.
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More One Line Jokes – Pearls of Wisdom — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — (from eGrumps)
Monday, January 17th, 2011With the popularity of electric tooth brushes, the major cause of tooth decay is weak batteries.
My sister kept going out with an undertaker. I figured he was only out for her body.
Bumper sticker of the day: “Tell me about yourself, your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.”
Unless you readers give me, eGrumps, unqualified praise, I must ignore you.
eGrumps is the type of man who can brighten anyone’s day – just by saying goodbye.
A banker is simply a pawnbroker with a manicure.
I’ll always meet you half-way. You admit I was right and I’ll admit you were wrong.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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