1. Definition of a minor operation: “One that is performed on someone else.”

2. Be nice to your friends. If it wasn’t for them you’d be a total stranger.

3. She’s got a million dollar figure. The trouble is it is all in loose change.

4. If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.

5. Money can’t buy happiness. That’s why we have credit cards.

6. A boss is someone who is late when you are early, and early when you are late.

7. Advertisement: For Sale – twin beds with a worn carpet.

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That’s it for today. Why not scroll down for further pearls of wisdom and waste more of your valuable time? eGrumps

1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth — (This appeared earlier, but it is well worth repeating.)

2. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

3. The United States Department of Justice is being sued by a Nevada brothel. They claim that they used the phrase “Fast and Furious” for many years and the DOJ has wrongfully stolen their best advertising banner.

4. Gambling —  that’s throwing money away when other people cheer you on.

5. Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.

6. I don’t want to say my kid is an idiot, but when I bought him a zebra, he named it spot.

7. From Mark Twain:
“There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics.”
“There is one way to tell if a man is honest. Ask him, and if he says “yes,” then you know he is crooked.”
“I’m pushing sixty. That’s enough exercise for me.”

SCROLL ON DOWN

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1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.

3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.

4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.

6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.

Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.

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1. Rule for all workers of the world – When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

2.”To-Do lists are wonderful aids to productivity. Keep them current, because at the end of the day, the same items are there, and you’ll know what you have to do tomorrow. Follow this procedure to the end of time. Nothing will get done, and the world will be a better place.” (eGrumps)

3. Organization  principles for we messy desk individuals: (1)  If you file it, you’ll never need it again but you will know where to find it. (2) If you don’t file it, you’ll need it, but you will not know where to find it.

4. Science is true – Don’t be misled by facts.

5. When all else fails, read the instructions.

6. The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the lack of progress.

7. Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.

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2. Etiquette: The art of doing the wrong thing the right way.

3. A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient. (This is not in the annals of the American Medical Association, but it should be)

4. Only an old timer can remember when dancing was done with the feet. That is,  if he can remember anything.

5. Criticism of eGrumps wouldn’t be so hard to take, except for the fact it is usually correct.

6. A comic is a man who originates old jokes. (That really hurts my ego, eGrumps)

7. IT IS NOT CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN.

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1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant.  The population, however, continues to grow.

4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.

5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.

6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

7. No matter where you go, there you are!

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Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and

the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet

1. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

2. If I look confused, it is because I am thinking.

3. “The rule of my life is to make pleasure a business, and business a pleasure.” (Unknown lady of the night)

4. All television is children’s television.

5. ADAM WAS THE PERFECT FIGURE OF A MAN AND EVE WAS INCREDABLLY BEAUTIFUL – so where did all the ugly people come from?

6. Make three consecutive correct guesses, and you will establish yourself as an expert.

7. Make love, not war – but be prepared for both.

Best to you from eGrumps.

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1. The doctor told me I had to lose 10 pounds.

2. Over the next five years I would have gained 10 pounds.

3. If I keep my same eating habits and my weight steady, I will not gain 10 pounds over the next five years.

4. Therefore – I will have lost the ten pounds I did not gain.

It’s very simple – the government does it all the time. If it doesn’t increase spending, it will have lost the amount of the spending increase because it did not increase spending. ERGO – the government has reduced spending by not increasing spending.

If it works for them it’ll work for you – but perhaps you should not tell your doctor that you are following the eGrumps plan and how you intend to lose the 10 pounds.

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1. “There can’t be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” (Henry Kissinger)

2. A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.

3. To lose is to learn. (Spoken by losers the world over. No winner ever said that)

4. The dice have no memory. (Neither do politicans.)

5. The girl who is easy to get may be hard to take.

6. “I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” (Fred Allen)

7. It’s easy to tell who your friends are. They’re the ones that stab you in the front.

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SCIENCE IS TRUE. DON’T BE MISLED BY FACTS. (LOVE IT – IT IS THE STORY OF MY CAREER AS A RESEARCH SCIENTIST (EMERITUS)).

1.  Hell is the place where everything tests perfectly, and nothing works.

2. There are no answers, only cross-references.

3. Computers are useless, all they give you is answers.

4. In mathematics, you don’t understand  things, only get used to them.

5. Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.

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