Archive for the ‘Wit’ Category
Murphy (Part 7 +/-) — Alive and Well. Obscure Comments that Will outlast Old Murph.
Saturday, April 28th, 20124. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
Murphy’s Laws (No. 7) – He’s Alive and Well and Making The World a Better Place
Friday, April 20th, 2012Murphy returns – bring joy, happiness and good will to the citizens of the world, most of who have been in a severe state of depression caused by being alive in this world. Remember one of Murphy’s really obscure laws: “In a fight between you and the world, back the world.”
First – not from Murphy. but from me, eGrumps. I am distressed by the conduct of the American Secret Service agents, or at least some of them. Most of you don’t realize it, but I almost joined their previously elite ranks. I told the person doing the interview (man or woman is classified information but it was one of them) that I was interested in joining and going on foreign trips scouting for the President so I could hook up with a few hookers before he arrived and make sure that there were no plots afoot that would compromise his safety. I was turned down -”Son, we don’t do that sort of thing” I was told. They lied – it’s that simple – and I missed out on all those government paid fun things in foreign countries.
They went on to say “We don’t do any undercover work. Check the manual, you idiot.” As Murphy said: “Following the rules will not get the job done,”but I guess they never heard of that. So I went on to bigger, but not necessarily better, work. No undercover work? The hell you say. They lied!!! I may sue.
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Back to Murphy, my hero, who penned a few laws that are relevant to the Secret Service situation:
1. “Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
2. “Teamwork is essential. It is always necessary to blame someone else.”
3. “Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.”
4. “I’d rather go whoring than warring.”
5. “Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.”
6. “Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.”
There are more, but this is a family website.
Scroll on down for more great sayings by Murphy.
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Murphy’s Laws (No. 6) — One-Liners – He’s Alive and Well and Making the World a Better Place
Sunday, April 15th, 2012Another day, another series of one line classics that further the future of humanity. No matter what country you live in, these sayings will enhance your intellectual growth and contribute to your well-being.
My name is eGrumps and I have made it my too brief time on earth to ease your journey through the mistake of having serious sobriety problems. So – drink up, read on, and think about how lucky you truly are – well, you probably were truly lucky until you stumbled upon reading my stolen sayings.
1. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until we’ve solved it.
2. Never forget that the other line moves faster, until you switch lines, at which time your original line moves faster.
3. The first rule of intelligent thinking is to save all the parts.
4. My rules of expectations: 1) Negative expectations need yield negative results. 2) Positive expectations yield negative results.
5. In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper.
6. You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
If you remember nothing else from your studying of these maxims, remember – when all else fails, read the instructions.
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Murphy’s Laws (Part 5) – He’s Alive and Well – Obscure Comments Made By And To The Master.
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012The Obscure Laws just seem to keep coming and coming. Maybe the transmission device is being powered by the Energizer Bunny. If so, it is one sick bunny. (compiled by eGrumps – under-powered, but loved, respected and delusional)
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
If it seems to good to be true, it probably is.
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Food that tastes the best always has the highest number of calories.
What men learn from history is that men don’t learn from history.
Scroll down for more truly intelligent Murphyisms.
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Murphy’s Laws — (Part 4) — He’s Alive and Well. Obscure Comments Made by and to The Master
Monday, March 12th, 2012Murphy lives! Trust me on this. Read on.
1. A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
2. History repeats itself, that is one of the things wrong with history.
3. The sumptuousness of a company’s annual report is in inverse proportion to its profitability.
4.(eGrumps addition) The number of footnotes in a financial statement is in inverse proportion to its profitability.
5. (More of the same thought) – The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
(Are the business schools trying to tell us something here?)
6. If there is a wrong thing to say, one will say it.
7. When your opponent is down, kick him.
8. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
(Scroll down to waste more time)
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Murphy (Part 3) Alive and Well — Obscure Comments Made by and to The Master
Friday, March 9th, 2012Saved from obscurity by the writer (or compiler) or better yet (the thief who stole these comments) in homage to the great one – Murphy. eGrumps, the thief, sits in abject humility as the feet of the memory of Murphy – one man who changed the world. Can one sit at the feet of a memory? Why not? It’s the least I can do in order to pay homage. Rest well, Murph old buddy.
1. After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket is missing.
2. Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman!
3. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
4. Of two possible outcomes, only the least desireable will be discovered first.
5. Anything worth doing is worth doing for the money.
6. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
7. When things are going well. something will go wrong.
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Murphy (Part 2) — Alive and Well — Obscure Comments Made By and To The Master
Tuesday, March 6th, 2012I don’t know if Murphy is alive and well, but his comments are. They live on – like Peanuts, or someone, to forever entertain us and pay humble homage (terrific expression – humble homage – even though we are not humble, by any means) to his legacy. Indeed, we honor him by this website. (Written by eGrumps, a not so modest fellow)
Favorite of the day: — To err is human, but to really screw things up, requires a computer.
1. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money. (So why is this website free to all. I tried to get a sponsor and he wanted me to pay him – bummer)
2. The tire is only flat on the bottom.
3. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
4. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
5. When all else fails, read the instructions.
6. When things are going well, something will go wrong.
Laws of purchasing computers:
If it crashes, it will, but only after the warranty expires.
A necessary computer goes on sale only after you have bought it at the regular price.
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Murphy – Alive and Well – Obscure Comments Made By and To The Master
Sunday, March 4th, 2012Once can never have too many Pithy Comments relating to our hero – Murphy.
The principal comment, which has lasted through eternity – so far: “Murphy was an Optimist.”
The following are worth remembering, especially No. 8.
1. You can never run out of things that can go wrong.
2. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
3. Love is the delusion that one woman difers from another.
4. A TRUE CLASSIC: “Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.”
5. When you are up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.
6. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
7. First Law of Expert Advice: Don’t ask the barber if you need a haircut.
8. The Nonreciprocal law of expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Scroll down if you have nothing better to do, and it is
hard to believe that you have anything better to do.
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Pithy Comments – One Line Jokes for Everyone That Have Lasted and Lasted and Lasted.
Thursday, March 1st, 2012These Pithy Comments have stood the results of time, Time Magazine, and the New York Times – that’s how bad they are. I tried Newsweek but they deleted my eMail – they were smarter than I thought, which doesn’t mean much in the way of measurements.
Today is tomorrow’s yesterday. So if you are longing for the good old days, you are there.
1. Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
2. It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
3. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
4. Suicide is the most severe form of self-criticism.
5. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
6. Rehab is for quitters.
7. There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother, he’s an adult.
This usually happens at about age 45.
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Murphy Lives – (or he’s communicating from the grave (not sure which)) – Obscure Murphyisms
Sunday, February 26th, 2012Murphy is somewhere in cyberspace jumping up and down in glee, or rolling over in happiness from his grave, thanking me, and all of you, for perpetuating his memory. “Don’t worry, Murph, we’ll never forget you.” (eGrumps)
Theses were not actually penned, by Murph, but written by his legion of fans expanding upon his basic principle, whatever that was.
a comment from eGrumps — “Whatever was, was – whatever is, is — and that’s that.”
1. Virtue is its own punishment.
2. It’s not, love that lasts forever, it’s plastic.
3. The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do.
4. When all else fails, read the instructions.
5. Science is true. don’t be misled by facts.
6. If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
7. If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
(Scroll on down for more – Murph would appreciate it, and besides no ads to distract from the genius of Murphy and detract from the poverty of eGrumps.)
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Murphy’s Rare Comments – Saved from the Dustbin of History – for Posterity
Thursday, February 23rd, 2012Sometimes I, eGrumps, feel a higher calling. Someone is telling me not to let Murphy’s rare comments (and comments by those commenting upon Murphy’s comments) die. It’s a tough and dirty job, but I feel I have to do it. “eGrumps, if you’d take a shower before you posted these comments, you’d find it isn’t so dirty. Tough maybe since you can’t type worth a damn, but not dirty.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Your intelligence, my love, leaves a little bit to be desired. Actually, a lot to be desired, Honey Bunch, you are a certified idiot. Leave me to my true mission in life. Bug off.” (eGrumps).
1. There is no time like the present for postponing what you don’t want to do.
2. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since no one listens.
3. Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
4. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing. (I’ll drink to that!)
5. The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people at the meeting.
6. Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
7. The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them to the impossible.
Murphy – rest well, you may be gone, but not forgotten. No greater honor can be bestowed upon you than to have eGrumps save your obscure comments, not to mention saving comments by those who have commented upon your comments.
If you have nothing better to do, go to www.egrumps.com and see my very feasible plan to reduce the unemployment rate to zero. It’s a plan worthy of Murphy.
If you still have nothing better to do, scroll down and read other one-line comments. You will not be tested on them in the morning, or the evening, whatever time it is when you are reading this.
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Murphy’s Laws on Sex (at least some of them – there are more to come later) and Other Notable One-Liners.
Sunday, February 19th, 2012Welcome friends from eGrumps (that’s me – usually my friends (both of them) just call me Grumps – probably more accurate.) Remember – every man has a scheme that doesn’t work. I guess Mrs. eGrumps is a scheme. (“eGrumps you’re still an idiot. Grow up instead of out.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
A few of Murphy’s Laws on Sex:
1. Never sleep with anyone crazier that you.
2. Sex is dirty only if it is done right.
3. Sex has no calories.
4. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
5. Thou shall not commit adultery…unless you’re in the mood.
A few other notable one-liners.
1. Death before dishonor – Nothing before coffee.
2. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
3. A balanced diet is a cookie in every hand.
4. My observation when I am waiting in a line, any line, for anything – the other line moves faster.
(Scroll down – waste more time. It’s the right thing to do, especially if you are at work)
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Murphy’s Minor Laws — One-Line Jokes
Saturday, February 11th, 2012More of Murphy’s Minor Laws. Saved from the garbage can of history by eGrumps (yours truly). This series (scroll down for more) is my contribution to preserving that which probably shouldn’t be preserved, but is being saved here until the end of time, or until my computer crashes, whichever comes first.
1. Smile – tomorrow will be worse.
2. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
3. You never run out of things that can go wrong.
4. When you are over the hill, you pick up speed (This is particularly distressing because it has been said, but not to my face, that I, eGrumps, am over the hill).
5. If you want your name spelled wrong, die.
6, It is always Mrs. eGrumps fault. (This has been modified to bring it current, and besides, I like to get Mrs. eGrumps mad)
7. Misery no longer love’s company — it insists upon it.
OLD AGE IS ALWAYS FIFTEEN YEARS OLDER THAN I AM!!!
Scroll down – it always pays to waste more time.
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One Line Jokes – Eternal Humor
Friday, January 6th, 2012Here are a few one-line jokes that have stood the test of time and are worthy of your attention – assuming you are worthy of anything. Of course, if you are indeed worthy of something, why are you wasting your time here. (These are brought to you by virtue of one very sick individual – eGrumps (that’s me)
1. Definition of a minor operation: “One that is performed on someone else.”
2. Be nice to your friends. If it wasn’t for them you’d be a total stranger.
3. She’s got a million dollar figure. The trouble is it is all in loose change.
4. If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
5. Money can’t buy happiness. That’s why we have credit cards.
6. A boss is someone who is late when you are early, and early when you are late.
7. Advertisement: For Sale – twin beds with a worn carpet.
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That’s it for today. Why not scroll down for further pearls of wisdom and waste more of your valuable time? eGrumps
Murphy One Liners, Some of Which He Never Heard Of
Friday, December 16th, 2011It’s time for more one liners destined to find their place in history. Murphy-be-damned —- these are good, no, great, no awesome. Enjoy —- eGrumps
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth — (This appeared earlier, but it is well worth repeating.)
2. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
3. The United States Department of Justice is being sued by a Nevada brothel. They claim that they used the phrase “Fast and Furious” for many years and the DOJ has wrongfully stolen their best advertising banner.
4. Gambling — that’s throwing money away when other people cheer you on.
5. Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.
6. I don’t want to say my kid is an idiot, but when I bought him a zebra, he named it spot.
7. From Mark Twain:
“There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics.”
“There is one way to tell if a man is honest. Ask him, and if he says “yes,” then you know he is crooked.”
“I’m pushing sixty. That’s enough exercise for me.”
SCROLL ON DOWN
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Murphy’s Pithy Comments – One Liners to Live By
Sunday, November 20th, 2011Welcome to Pithy Comments – Murphy’s One Liners that have stood the test of time – even if Murphy proved mortal and did not stand the test of time. These are comments that were made in response to the legend that was Murphy and his law.
1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.
Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.
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Murphy’s Laws (Obscure, but Noteworthy)
Saturday, October 29th, 2011A happy Halloween to all. Take the pumpkin off your head, and dance like there is no tomorrow – because there is no guarantee there will be a tomorrow. So – Party On.
1. Rule for all workers of the world – When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
2.”To-Do lists are wonderful aids to productivity. Keep them current, because at the end of the day, the same items are there, and you’ll know what you have to do tomorrow. Follow this procedure to the end of time. Nothing will get done, and the world will be a better place.” (eGrumps)
3. Organization principles for we messy desk individuals: (1) If you file it, you’ll never need it again but you will know where to find it. (2) If you don’t file it, you’ll need it, but you will not know where to find it.
4. Science is true – Don’t be misled by facts.
5. When all else fails, read the instructions.
6. The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the lack of progress.
7. Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.
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One Liners – Pearls of Wisdom that were stolen from a Sick Oyster. (These would be included in the Murphy’s Laws Collection, except Murphy is dead.)
Saturday, October 22nd, 20111. “If it takes more than one sentence to state a pearl of wisdom, it is not a pearl of wisdom” (eGrumps)
2. Etiquette: The art of doing the wrong thing the right way.
3. A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient. (This is not in the annals of the American Medical Association, but it should be)
4. Only an old timer can remember when dancing was done with the feet. That is, if he can remember anything.
5. Criticism of eGrumps wouldn’t be so hard to take, except for the fact it is usually correct.
6. A comic is a man who originates old jokes. (That really hurts my ego, eGrumps)
7. IT IS NOT CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN.
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Murphy’s Laws – Rare, Obscure, Hidden – until now
Thursday, October 20th, 2011Stolen by eGrumps (that’s me) from the hidden trove of Murphy’s Laws for Living:
1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant. The population, however, continues to grow.
4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.
5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.
6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
7. No matter where you go, there you are!
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Murphy (ver. 8) Alive and Well (or maybe dead and not-so-well) Obscure Comments Made by and to the Master
Sunday, May 13th, 2012It’s time to take a serious look at what Murphy, and his disciples, have brought forth. The future may be bleak, but old Murphy is a hot-bed of optimism.
1. In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for storage. (If you run out of storage space, there are two alternatives – throw out the junk or move – Mrs eGrumps and I are having a discussion about that right now. She’s for moving in the foolish hope that I will throw out the junk that I have worked so hard to accumulate. There is of course a third alternative – throw out Mrs. eGrumps and use the space she is wasting to accumulate more vital junk.)
2. Speak softly and own a big mean doberman. (pit bulls will also work)
3. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until I solve it.
4. Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood.
5. Nothing is ever accomplished by a reaonable man.
6. A little humility is arrogance.
7. HISTORY PROVES NOTHING.
8. It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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