As a far smarter man than me (believe it, they exist – not many, however) once said….. Mrs. eGrumps just passed me a note reading “eGrumps, you’re an egotistical idiot.” I am not egotistical.

On with the one-liners, which is why you came here in the first place:

1. What is the sense of having power if you can’t abuse it?”

2.  In commenting on the relative safety of two types of medical procedures that could be used in an operation the medical journal said as follows:

1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.

2. I took my misfortune like a man. I blamed it on my wife.

3. A backache is man’s greatest labor saving device.

4. I wish I had a dental appointment to cancel. It brightens my day.

5. It is not good to waken a sleeping lion. (This pithy comment has very little practical value unless you live in a zoo).

6. You know you are in a tough neighborhood when you go into a church and there is graffiti on the walls.

GOT TIME – SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE AD-FREE PITHYISMS (I don’t think that is a word, but it should be.) You don’t have enough time? Nonsense – what better way to spend time than to use it to improve your culture.

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Friends come and go. Enemies gather.

The early bird suffers from insomnia.

Important: (Don’t say I didn’t warn you) “Never look up when a dragon is flying over you.”

The shortest way from Point A to Point B is by GPS.

The snooze bar on the alarm clock is man’s greatest invention.

It is virtually impossible to diagnose yourself on the Internet. Doctors will perform every possible test to prove you wrong.

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1. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.

2. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

3. Not tonight dear — I have a modem.

4. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.

5. Sex is a disrobic experience.

6. Work is the course of the drinking class.

7. “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.”  (Henry Kissinger)

8. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

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Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

A good duct tape job will fix almost anything.

“Ambulance problems:

1. Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but temporary, deafness
2. Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but temporary, blindness.

Theses rules do not apply in California where motorists are apparently oblivious to any traffic laws.”

“The game of catch has never been so much fun.” The inventor of the hand grenade.

Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they will not go to yours.

Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.

If you think there is good in everybody, you obviously haven’t met me.

“The statement below is true.”
“The statement above is false.”

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

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Work harder and not smarder, and be careful of yur speling.

If it is not in your computer, it doesn’t exist.

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. (“eGrumps, you’re not shy.” Mrs. eGrumps”)(“I sure hate that woman.” eGrumps)

The game of love is never called off because of darkness.

When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.

In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage (or, in a similar vein)
Too often, you will find the volume of paper expands to fill all space in the available briefcase.

Food that tastes the best always has the highest number of calories.

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“My dad told me. “Anything worth having  is worth waiting for.” I waited until I was fifteen.”( Zsa Zsa Gabor.)

“Not tonight, Josephine.” (Napoleon)

“It’s not the men in my life that count, it’s the life in my men.” (Mae West)

“A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said “No.” (Woody Allen)

“Seduction is often difficult to distinguish from rape. In seduction, the rapist bothers to buy a bottle of wine.” (Andrea Dworkin)

Sex was a competitive event in those days and the only thing you could take as a certainty was that everyone else was lying, just as you were.” (Bob Geldof)

“Your idea of fidelity was not having more than one man in bed at the same time.” (Fredric Raphel.”

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The fundamental flaw in OBamacare is that doctors don’t get paid until you are sick.

Affirmative Action -isn’t.

The definition of a baby boomer is someone who jogs five miles a day but can’t find the energy to take out the garbage.

Atheists make lousy parents because they have no faith in their children.

Optimists age like wine. Pessimists age like milk.

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March 18, 2010:

Dear Census Director:

I trust this comment will find you in good health – both good physical health and mental health.  Frankly, you have created quite a problem for me, and many others, and I don’t how how to handle it without being in violation of your instructions concerning the 2010 Census.  I trust my inquiry will not interfere with your mental health, but I feel compelled to ask a question.  It is based upon the following:

On March 16th I received a letter from you stating, in part (in bold type yet)  “Please complete and mail back the enclosed census form today. ” Clear enough, I opened the census form, and what do I find – Question 1: “How many additional people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010.” This is creating quite a problem for me – How can I mail back the form on March 20th (as you have instructed) which says how many people are living in my house on April 1.?

I am sure there are others with similar problems, so what do I do?

Please advise.

Thank you, in advance, for your courtesy.

eGrumps

P.S. – Is it true that you are being considered for the chief operating officer for Obamacare? You seem to be well-qualified.

P.P.S. – I am concerned that all the census data will be invalid and that you will have to retake the census, or else it will be illegal. Since, as you have accurately pointed out, this is a serious document and many consequences will follow, i.e. number of congressional seats, and your figures will be based on obviously false data.  What do your legal advisors say?

He doesn’t sleep because of worry. He worries about not sleeping.

She’s a Hollywood starlet,  and she owes everything to the movie mogul who made her.

People who live in glass houses should take out insurance.

A pessimist is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

I knew a girl who believed in the two-party system – one in the afternoon and one at night.

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