Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Sunday, April 15th, 2012
Another day, another series of one line classics that further the future of humanity. No matter what country you live in, these sayings will enhance your intellectual growth and contribute to your well-being.
My name is eGrumps and I have made it my too brief time on earth to ease your journey through the mistake of having serious sobriety problems. So – drink up, read on, and think about how lucky you truly are – well, you probably were truly lucky until you stumbled upon reading my stolen sayings.
1. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until we’ve solved it.
2. Never forget that the other line moves faster, until you switch lines, at which time your original line moves faster.
3. The first rule of intelligent thinking is to save all the parts.
4. My rules of expectations: 1) Negative expectations need yield negative results. 2) Positive expectations yield negative results.
5. In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper.
6. You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
If you remember nothing else from your studying of these maxims, remember – when all else fails, read the instructions.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, February 3rd, 2012
Welcome to another edition of one-line bits of philosophy for the Masses (since only one person is reading this at a time) perhaps it should say “Bits of philosophy for one of the Masses.” It that doesn’t work for you, invite a friend to view it with you together, but it is possible that you may lose that friend, and then “we” would be back where we started. I can’t handle all of this heavy thinking. Mrs. eGrumps says the only heavy thinking I do is when I am deciding what to order for dinner, but what does she know? If she was smart, she wouldn’t have married me in the first place – but she has put all of “my” property in her name, so I may have misjudged her.
As a far smarter man than me (believe it, they exist – not many, however) once said….. Mrs. eGrumps just passed me a note reading “eGrumps, you’re an egotistical idiot.” I am not egotistical.
On with the one-liners, which is why you came here in the first place:
1. What is the sense of having power if you can’t abuse it?”
2. In commenting on the relative safety of two types of medical procedures that could be used in an operation the medical journal said as follows:
in one procedure it was determined that one procedure increased the risk of a “catastrophic event, such as death or a heart attack.” It is great news that it did not increase the risk of a non-catastrophic event, such the increased risk of developing ingrown toenails or the rapid spread of dandruff. My suggestion – go with the cheaper procedure, regardless if it is not as effective. If it doesn’t work and you die, your spouse will have more money to bury you. (“eGrumps, that is the smartest thing you ever said. Maybe you’re not such an idiot after all.” Mrs. eGrumps)
3. The EU has banned the advertising claim that water can prevent dehydration – that is really true. What a bunch of idiots!
4. Beware of the person who doesn’t drink
5. The future isn’t what it used to be.
6. “Your public servants serve you right.” (Adlai Stevenson)
7. She got the gold mine, I got the shaft.
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(Scroll on down for more of this stolen brilliance”
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Wednesday, June 29th, 2011
It is time for another day and night of classic pithy comments, stolen by yours truly (aka eGrumps) to gladden your day, not to mention your night.
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
2. I took my misfortune like a man. I blamed it on my wife.
3. A backache is man’s greatest labor saving device.
4. I wish I had a dental appointment to cancel. It brightens my day.
5. It is not good to waken a sleeping lion. (This pithy comment has very little practical value unless you live in a zoo).
6. You know you are in a tough neighborhood when you go into a church and there is graffiti on the walls.
GOT TIME – SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE AD-FREE PITHYISMS (I don’t think that is a word, but it should be.) You don’t have enough time? Nonsense – what better way to spend time than to use it to improve your culture.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, May 29th, 2011
Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Friends come and go. Enemies gather.
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
Important: (Don’t say I didn’t warn you) “Never look up when a dragon is flying over you.”
The shortest way from Point A to Point B is by GPS.
The snooze bar on the alarm clock is man’s greatest invention.
It is virtually impossible to diagnose yourself on the Internet. Doctors will perform every possible test to prove you wrong.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Laughter, Pithy Comment, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Tuesday, December 7th, 2010
Great pearls of wisdom created over the ages by learned sages, or so I was told by a learned sage who was trying to freeload a drink from me at the local pub.
1. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
2. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
3. Not tonight dear — I have a modem.
4. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.
5. Sex is a disrobic experience.
6. Work is the course of the drinking class.
7. “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.” (Henry Kissinger)
8. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, November 29th, 2010
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
A good duct tape job will fix almost anything.
“Ambulance problems:
1. Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but temporary, deafness
2. Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but temporary, blindness.
Theses rules do not apply in California where motorists are apparently oblivious to any traffic laws.”
“The game of catch has never been so much fun.” The inventor of the hand grenade.
Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they will not go to yours.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
If you think there is good in everybody, you obviously haven’t met me.
“The statement below is true.”
“The statement above is false.”
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Nonsense, Pithy Comments, Uncategorized, Wit | No Comments »
Friday, September 10th, 2010
Tonight I dedicate these one line jokes to those who were murdered on September 11, 2001. May they rest in peace. It’s not much of a tribute, but merely having them in our memory will show that we remember, and I for one will never forget the pictures of that terrible day.
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Work harder and not smarder, and be careful of yur speling.
If it is not in your computer, it doesn’t exist.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. (“eGrumps, you’re not shy.” Mrs. eGrumps”)(“I sure hate that woman.” eGrumps)
The game of love is never called off because of darkness.
When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage (or, in a similar vein)
Too often, you will find the volume of paper expands to fill all space in the available briefcase.
Food that tastes the best always has the highest number of calories.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, June 21st, 2010
Sorry team, I’ve been out of action for about a week. It’s amazing what one must give up when your spouse is sick. I think my priorities are somewhat screwed up, but she doesn’t think so.
“My dad told me. “Anything worth having is worth waiting for.” I waited until I was fifteen.”( Zsa Zsa Gabor.)
“Not tonight, Josephine.” (Napoleon)
“It’s not the men in my life that count, it’s the life in my men.” (Mae West)
“A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said “No.” (Woody Allen)
“Seduction is often difficult to distinguish from rape. In seduction, the rapist bothers to buy a bottle of wine.” (Andrea Dworkin)
Sex was a competitive event in those days and the only thing you could take as a certainty was that everyone else was lying, just as you were.” (Bob Geldof)
“Your idea of fidelity was not having more than one man in bed at the same time.” (Fredric Raphel.”
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, June 4th, 2010
Growing old is not all bad. In fact, it is good karma. Think about it. “I age. Therefore…I…still ….am.
The fundamental flaw in OBamacare is that doctors don’t get paid until you are sick.
Affirmative Action -isn’t.
The definition of a baby boomer is someone who jogs five miles a day but can’t find the energy to take out the garbage.
Atheists make lousy parents because they have no faith in their children.
Optimists age like wine. Pessimists age like milk.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, March 18th, 2010
This is a little different than my usual pithy comment. It is a letter to the Director of the Census. I felt it should be passed on, however, because of the serious nature of the problem. Please feel free, actually I encourage you, to pass my inquiry along to your friends. Maybe we will get an answer.I’d post it on Twitter, but I don’t know how to Twitter – yet – me bad. Maybe you’d like to post it – it’s OK with me. Let me know if you do (eGrumps) eGrumps@egrumps.com
March 18, 2010:
Dear Census Director:
I trust this comment will find you in good health – both good physical health and mental health. Frankly, you have created quite a problem for me, and many others, and I don’t how how to handle it without being in violation of your instructions concerning the 2010 Census. I trust my inquiry will not interfere with your mental health, but I feel compelled to ask a question. It is based upon the following:
On March 16th I received a letter from you stating, in part (in bold type yet) “Please complete and mail back the enclosed census form today. ” Clear enough, I opened the census form, and what do I find – Question 1: “How many additional people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010.” This is creating quite a problem for me – How can I mail back the form on March 20th (as you have instructed) which says how many people are living in my house on April 1.?
I am sure there are others with similar problems, so what do I do?
Please advise.
Thank you, in advance, for your courtesy.
eGrumps
P.S. – Is it true that you are being considered for the chief operating officer for Obamacare? You seem to be well-qualified.
P.P.S. – I am concerned that all the census data will be invalid and that you will have to retake the census, or else it will be illegal. Since, as you have accurately pointed out, this is a serious document and many consequences will follow, i.e. number of congressional seats, and your figures will be based on obviously false data. What do your legal advisors say?
Tags: Census, Obamacare, Pithy Comment
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Thursday, November 5th, 2009
eGrumps heritage: He claims to be self made, but his friends (both of them) claim he is machine made. (Editorial Comment: What do they know. If they were smart they wouldn’t be my friends.)
He doesn’t sleep because of worry. He worries about not sleeping.
She’s a Hollywood starlet, and she owes everything to the movie mogul who made her.
People who live in glass houses should take out insurance.
A pessimist is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
I knew a girl who believed in the two-party system – one in the afternoon and one at night.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment
Posted in Humor, Laughter, Pithy Comments, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Saturday, October 24th, 2009
eGrumps is proud to announce that Ryan has visited this site. He thinks it is fantastic, but what does he know, he is my grandson.
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Thursday, July 9th, 2009
I drink a lot since I recently donated my body to science
and I’m trying to preserve it in alcohol until they can
use it.
I took my loss like a man. I blamed it on my wife.
I know crime doesn’t pay, but the hours are good.
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Sunday, May 24th, 2009
An old Army toast: “To Absent Friends.” It’s in memory of all of the men and women who have died defending our freedom. As long as America lives, you will not be forgotten. Thank you.
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Friday, April 24th, 2009
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.”
Lucille Ball
Tags: Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Laughter, Nonsense, Pithy Comment, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
“A Toast: May the bride and groom have as much happiness as
I’ve had on several occasions.”
Tags: Add new tag, Humor, Pithy Comment, Satire, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Laughter, Nonsense, Pithy, Pithy Comment, Pithy Comments, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Sunday, April 12th, 2009
“Reality is something the human race doesn’t handle very well.”
Gore Vidal
Tags: Humor, Pithy Comment, Satire, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Laughter, Nonsense, Pithy, Pithy Comment, Pithy Comments, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
When you need to knock on wood is
when you first realize
that today everything is made of metal or plastic.
Tags: Humor, Pithy Comment, Satire, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Pithy, Pithy Comment, Pithy Comments, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Monday, October 20th, 2008
“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.” (PJ O’Rourke)
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Murphy’s Laws (No. 6) — One-Liners – He’s Alive and Well and Making the World a Better Place
Sunday, April 15th, 2012Another day, another series of one line classics that further the future of humanity. No matter what country you live in, these sayings will enhance your intellectual growth and contribute to your well-being.
My name is eGrumps and I have made it my too brief time on earth to ease your journey through the mistake of having serious sobriety problems. So – drink up, read on, and think about how lucky you truly are – well, you probably were truly lucky until you stumbled upon reading my stolen sayings.
1. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until we’ve solved it.
2. Never forget that the other line moves faster, until you switch lines, at which time your original line moves faster.
3. The first rule of intelligent thinking is to save all the parts.
4. My rules of expectations: 1) Negative expectations need yield negative results. 2) Positive expectations yield negative results.
5. In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper.
6. You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
If you remember nothing else from your studying of these maxims, remember – when all else fails, read the instructions.
____________________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Pithy Comment, Uncategorized, Wit | No Comments »