Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Pithy Comments for Eternity (OK for a couple of days anyhow)
Wednesday, June 29th, 2011Pithy Comments Lives!!!
Sunday, May 29th, 2011Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Friends come and go. Enemies gather.
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
Important: (Don’t say I didn’t warn you) “Never look up when a dragon is flying over you.”
The shortest way from Point A to Point B is by GPS.
The snooze bar on the alarm clock is man’s greatest invention.
It is virtually impossible to diagnose yourself on the Internet. Doctors will perform every possible test to prove you wrong.
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One Line Jokes – Pearls of Wisdom — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — (from eGrumps)
Tuesday, December 7th, 2010Great pearls of wisdom created over the ages by learned sages, or so I was told by a learned sage who was trying to freeload a drink from me at the local pub.
1. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
2. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
3. Not tonight dear — I have a modem.
4. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.
5. Sex is a disrobic experience.
6. Work is the course of the drinking class.
7. “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.” (Henry Kissinger)
8. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
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Famous, and Not-so-Famous, One Liners. Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments from eGrumps.
Monday, November 29th, 2010I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
A good duct tape job will fix almost anything.
“Ambulance problems:
1. Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but temporary, deafness
2. Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but temporary, blindness.
Theses rules do not apply in California where motorists are apparently oblivious to any traffic laws.”
“The game of catch has never been so much fun.” The inventor of the hand grenade.
Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they will not go to yours.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
If you think there is good in everybody, you obviously haven’t met me.
“The statement below is true.”
“The statement above is false.”
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Continued) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps – September 10, 2010
Friday, September 10th, 2010Tonight I dedicate these one line jokes to those who were murdered on September 11, 2001. May they rest in peace. It’s not much of a tribute, but merely having them in our memory will show that we remember, and I for one will never forget the pictures of that terrible day.
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Work harder and not smarder, and be careful of yur speling.
If it is not in your computer, it doesn’t exist.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. (“eGrumps, you’re not shy.” Mrs. eGrumps”)(“I sure hate that woman.” eGrumps)
The game of love is never called off because of darkness.
When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage (or, in a similar vein)
Too often, you will find the volume of paper expands to fill all space in the available briefcase.
Food that tastes the best always has the highest number of calories.
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Slightly Off-Color One Liners – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – (from eGrumps) -June 21, 2010.
Monday, June 21st, 2010Sorry team, I’ve been out of action for about a week. It’s amazing what one must give up when your spouse is sick. I think my priorities are somewhat screwed up, but she doesn’t think so.
“My dad told me. “Anything worth having is worth waiting for.” I waited until I was fifteen.”( Zsa Zsa Gabor.)
“Not tonight, Josephine.” (Napoleon)
“It’s not the men in my life that count, it’s the life in my men.” (Mae West)
“A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said “No.” (Woody Allen)
“Seduction is often difficult to distinguish from rape. In seduction, the rapist bothers to buy a bottle of wine.” (Andrea Dworkin)
Sex was a competitive event in those days and the only thing you could take as a certainty was that everyone else was lying, just as you were.” (Bob Geldof)
“Your idea of fidelity was not having more than one man in bed at the same time.” (Fredric Raphel.”
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Aging – Old Age Begins When You Start Swapping Meds with your parents. Jokes, Humor and Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) — June 4, 2010
Friday, June 4th, 2010Growing old is not all bad. In fact, it is good karma. Think about it. “I age. Therefore…I…still ….am.
The fundamental flaw in OBamacare is that doctors don’t get paid until you are sick.
Affirmative Action -isn’t.
The definition of a baby boomer is someone who jogs five miles a day but can’t find the energy to take out the garbage.
Atheists make lousy parents because they have no faith in their children.
Optimists age like wine. Pessimists age like milk.
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Census – Open Letter to Director – Serious Problem – Not Funny (I Don’t Think So) (from eGrumps) – March 18, 2010.
Thursday, March 18th, 2010This is a little different than my usual pithy comment. It is a letter to the Director of the Census. I felt it should be passed on, however, because of the serious nature of the problem. Please feel free, actually I encourage you, to pass my inquiry along to your friends. Maybe we will get an answer.I’d post it on Twitter, but I don’t know how to Twitter – yet – me bad. Maybe you’d like to post it – it’s OK with me. Let me know if you do (eGrumps) eGrumps@egrumps.com
March 18, 2010:
Dear Census Director:
I trust this comment will find you in good health – both good physical health and mental health. Frankly, you have created quite a problem for me, and many others, and I don’t how how to handle it without being in violation of your instructions concerning the 2010 Census. I trust my inquiry will not interfere with your mental health, but I feel compelled to ask a question. It is based upon the following:
On March 16th I received a letter from you stating, in part (in bold type yet) “Please complete and mail back the enclosed census form today. ” Clear enough, I opened the census form, and what do I find – Question 1: “How many additional people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010.” This is creating quite a problem for me – How can I mail back the form on March 20th (as you have instructed) which says how many people are living in my house on April 1.?
I am sure there are others with similar problems, so what do I do?
Please advise.
Thank you, in advance, for your courtesy.
eGrumps
P.S. – Is it true that you are being considered for the chief operating officer for Obamacare? You seem to be well-qualified.
P.P.S. – I am concerned that all the census data will be invalid and that you will have to retake the census, or else it will be illegal. Since, as you have accurately pointed out, this is a serious document and many consequences will follow, i.e. number of congressional seats, and your figures will be based on obviously false data. What do your legal advisors say?
Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) — November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5th, 2009eGrumps heritage: He claims to be self made, but his friends (both of them) claim he is machine made. (Editorial Comment: What do they know. If they were smart they wouldn’t be my friends.)
He doesn’t sleep because of worry. He worries about not sleeping.
She’s a Hollywood starlet, and she owes everything to the movie mogul who made her.
People who live in glass houses should take out insurance.
A pessimist is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
I knew a girl who believed in the two-party system – one in the afternoon and one at night.
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One Liners for You! Not to be Missed (from eGrumps)
Friday, February 3rd, 2012Welcome to another edition of one-line bits of philosophy for the Masses (since only one person is reading this at a time) perhaps it should say “Bits of philosophy for one of the Masses.” It that doesn’t work for you, invite a friend to view it with you together, but it is possible that you may lose that friend, and then “we” would be back where we started. I can’t handle all of this heavy thinking. Mrs. eGrumps says the only heavy thinking I do is when I am deciding what to order for dinner, but what does she know? If she was smart, she wouldn’t have married me in the first place – but she has put all of “my” property in her name, so I may have misjudged her.
As a far smarter man than me (believe it, they exist – not many, however) once said….. Mrs. eGrumps just passed me a note reading “eGrumps, you’re an egotistical idiot.” I am not egotistical.
On with the one-liners, which is why you came here in the first place:
1. What is the sense of having power if you can’t abuse it?”
2. In commenting on the relative safety of two types of medical procedures that could be used in an operation the medical journal said as follows:
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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