2. Etiquette: The art of doing the wrong thing the right way.

3. A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient. (This is not in the annals of the American Medical Association, but it should be)

4. Only an old timer can remember when dancing was done with the feet. That is,  if he can remember anything.

5. Criticism of eGrumps wouldn’t be so hard to take, except for the fact it is usually correct.

6. A comic is a man who originates old jokes. (That really hurts my ego, eGrumps)

7. IT IS NOT CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN.

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1. The doctor told me I had to lose 10 pounds.

2. Over the next five years I would have gained 10 pounds.

3. If I keep my same eating habits and my weight steady, I will not gain 10 pounds over the next five years.

4. Therefore – I will have lost the ten pounds I did not gain.

It’s very simple – the government does it all the time. If it doesn’t increase spending, it will have lost the amount of the spending increase because it did not increase spending. ERGO – the government has reduced spending by not increasing spending.

If it works for them it’ll work for you – but perhaps you should not tell your doctor that you are following the eGrumps plan and how you intend to lose the 10 pounds.

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1. “Stay with me. I want to be alone.” (Joey Adams)

2. “I want to die young at a ripe old age.” (Ashley Montague)

3.”People have one thing in common. They are all different.” (Robert Zend)

4. “Only when a woman is openly bad is she really good.” (Publilius Styrus – 1st Century B.C.) (This one, for some reason is quite popular.)

5. “Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” (John Updyke)
(Try this with your girlfriend or boyfriend – It couldn’t hurt the seduction process – I think)

6.”Housework – If it is done right, it can kill you.” (John Skow)

7. “There is nothing so permanent as a temporary job in Washington.” (George Allen)

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I am confused, therefore I am.

I was put on earth to show that not everything has a purpose.

Laziness is nothing more than resting before you get tired.

America has the highest standard of living in the world. It’s just a pity we can’t afford it.

If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the pavement.

CHECK OUT WWW.EGRUMPS.COM – Very funny, if I do say so myself, but then I wrote it.

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Always remember, if an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Don’t be misled in your quest by facts.

Everything is easier to take apart than to put together.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

You can’t get ahead by getting even. (This is total nonsense! I can’t imagine who could have written such drivel. I can’t believe I put this here. IGNORE IT!)

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eGrump’s (the author of these brief items of brilliance)  basic philosophy: No matter where you go, there you are. (Trust me on this)

Computers are useless. All they do is give you answers.

First Rule of Politics: Truth Varies.

A rumor doesn’t gain believability until it is denied.

He who hesitates is probably right.

You can never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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My sister kept going out with an undertaker. I figured he was only out for her body.

Bumper sticker of the day: “Tell me about yourself, your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.”

Unless you readers give me, eGrumps,  unqualified praise, I must ignore you.

eGrumps is the type of man who can brighten anyone’s day – just by saying goodbye.

A banker is simply a pawnbroker with a manicure.

I’ll always meet you half-way. You admit I was right and I’ll admit you were wrong.

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1. Of course it is the murder weapon, who would frame somebody with a fake?

2. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.

3. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

4. This is an excellent time to become a missing person.

5. Drugs may be the route to nowhere, but at least they’re the scenic route.

6. According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.

7. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

8. Great question  from your sweet little child: “Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up the floppy disk?”

9. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

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If you would like to contact me, I can be reached at egrumps@egrumps.com, and I will give your email all the attention it deserves.

Onward and upward with today’s Pithy Comments:
Inevitable Slogans and Sayings

1. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

2. My rules apply to other people, not to myself.

3. Whatever it is – I didn’t do it.

4. Avoid reality at all costs.

5. Believe in Darwin, cancer cures smoking.

6. Never trust a nun with a gun.

7. I should have known better, every happy moment in my life came from lying.

8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry – you’ll get over it.

9. Smile – tomorrow will be worse. (Believe me about that, eGrumps)

Finally – as my friends have told me (both of them) – eGrumps, you haven’t lost your mind, it’s backed up on a disk somewhere.

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1. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.

2. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

3. Not tonight dear — I have a modem.

4. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.

5. Sex is a disrobic experience.

6. Work is the course of the drinking class.

7. “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.”  (Henry Kissinger)

8. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

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