Archive for the ‘Pithy Comments’ Category
Saturday, April 28th, 2012
Welcome back, friends – It’s time to relive the glory days of last week, when I sent out other Murphyisms. I’m told nothing lives forever, but I don’t think, no, I know, that doesn’t apply to Murphy’s comments. Comedians may come and go, but Murphy lives forever.
If you’ve missed some earlier postings scroll down and treat yourself to a whole bunch of beautiful sayings. No matter what the self-help books say, what is time for if you can’t waste it.
1. (An old favorite) – Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth. (Actually, Murphy didn’t write that. Mrs. eGrumps thinks I did it, and I don’t want to disillusion her. It is rumored that the author was stabbed to death by his candy-loving girlfriend, and buried in an unmarked grave. He remains anonymous. His girlfriend was never caught.)
2. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
3. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
4. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
If we everything to lose by change, relax.
5. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. All’s well that ends.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, February 16th, 2012
These are One Liners for the Ages. In short, they are ageless, actually they are so old they’re stale. It is my mission on the Internet to promulgate their publication so they will get a new lease on life. A new beginning, so to speak, so that the world will long remember them, or me, or maybe them and me (but not remember Mrs. eGrumps – she is remarkably non-rememberable. “eGrumps – you are a certified idiot” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Sweaty dear, honey bunch – I am not certified – and give me my allowance or I’ll tell the truth about you, you miserable bitch.” (eGrumps)
1. The longer the title, the less important the job.
2.When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
3. The idea is to die young as late as possible.
4. All things considered – life is 9 to 5 against.
5. “I can’t give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.” (My philosophy teacher – that idiot – what did he know)
6. My job is only marginally better than daytime TV.
7. My law of drinking – you can’t fall off the floor. Or from an old English buddy – he is not drunk who can get off the floor and ask for more.
8. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
(Tell your friends to check this website out – it is a guaranteed way to lose friends.)
Best to all eGrumps
Scroll down if you want to waste more time
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, October 22nd, 2011
1. “If it takes more than one sentence to state a pearl of wisdom, it is not a pearl of wisdom” (eGrumps)
2. Etiquette: The art of doing the wrong thing the right way.
3. A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient. (This is not in the annals of the American Medical Association, but it should be)
4. Only an old timer can remember when dancing was done with the feet. That is, if he can remember anything.
5. Criticism of eGrumps wouldn’t be so hard to take, except for the fact it is usually correct.
6. A comic is a man who originates old jokes. (That really hurts my ego, eGrumps)
7. IT IS NOT CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, September 26th, 2011
The eGrumps diet plan modeled after the government’s-reduce-the-spending plans. It will work – I guarantee it. For example:
1. The doctor told me I had to lose 10 pounds.
2. Over the next five years I would have gained 10 pounds.
3. If I keep my same eating habits and my weight steady, I will not gain 10 pounds over the next five years.
4. Therefore – I will have lost the ten pounds I did not gain.
It’s very simple – the government does it all the time. If it doesn’t increase spending, it will have lost the amount of the spending increase because it did not increase spending. ERGO – the government has reduced spending by not increasing spending.
If it works for them it’ll work for you – but perhaps you should not tell your doctor that you are following the eGrumps plan and how you intend to lose the 10 pounds.
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Tags: Diet, Dieting, eGrumps, Humor, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Satire, Wit
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Friday, September 9th, 2011
The following inherently contradictory statements are called Oxymorons. Read them and you’ll see why. They still qualify as Pithy Comments, or one liners, For example:
1. “Stay with me. I want to be alone.” (Joey Adams)
2. “I want to die young at a ripe old age.” (Ashley Montague)
3.”People have one thing in common. They are all different.” (Robert Zend)
4. “Only when a woman is openly bad is she really good.” (Publilius Styrus – 1st Century B.C.) (This one, for some reason is quite popular.)
5. “Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” (John Updyke)
(Try this with your girlfriend or boyfriend – It couldn’t hurt the seduction process – I think)
6.”Housework – If it is done right, it can kill you.” (John Skow)
7. “There is nothing so permanent as a temporary job in Washington.” (George Allen)
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Oxymorons, Pithy Comment, Satire, Wit
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Saturday, August 27th, 2011
Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
I am confused, therefore I am.
I was put on earth to show that not everything has a purpose.
Laziness is nothing more than resting before you get tired.
America has the highest standard of living in the world. It’s just a pity we can’t afford it.
If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the pavement.
CHECK OUT WWW.EGRUMPS.COM – Very funny, if I do say so myself, but then I wrote it.
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Tags: Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, June 11th, 2011
My basic philosophy: There is no time like the present for putting off what you don’t want to do.
Always remember, if an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Don’t be misled in your quest by facts.
Everything is easier to take apart than to put together.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You can’t get ahead by getting even. (This is total nonsense! I can’t imagine who could have written such drivel. I can’t believe I put this here. IGNORE IT!)
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, June 7th, 2011
Pithy Comments that May Cause You to Shake Your Head and/in Wonder….
eGrump’s (the author of these brief items of brilliance) basic philosophy: No matter where you go, there you are. (Trust me on this)
Computers are useless. All they do is give you answers.
First Rule of Politics: Truth Varies.
A rumor doesn’t gain believability until it is denied.
He who hesitates is probably right.
You can never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Tags: Bumper Stickers, eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, January 17th, 2011
With the popularity of electric tooth brushes, the major cause of tooth decay is weak batteries.
My sister kept going out with an undertaker. I figured he was only out for her body.
Bumper sticker of the day: “Tell me about yourself, your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.”
Unless you readers give me, eGrumps, unqualified praise, I must ignore you.
eGrumps is the type of man who can brighten anyone’s day – just by saying goodbye.
A banker is simply a pawnbroker with a manicure.
I’ll always meet you half-way. You admit I was right and I’ll admit you were wrong.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, December 16th, 2010
A few more borrowed (actually “stolen” would be a better word) one liners from the old plagiarizer himself, eGrumps:
1. Of course it is the murder weapon, who would frame somebody with a fake?
2. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
3. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
4. This is an excellent time to become a missing person.
5. Drugs may be the route to nowhere, but at least they’re the scenic route.
6. According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
7. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
8. Great question from your sweet little child: “Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up the floppy disk?”
9. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, December 10th, 2010
Welcome to all my anonymous friends all over the world. The fact that so many of you keep coming back is testimony either to (1) an appreciation of good humor from your friendly host, eGrumps, or (2) your unbridled optimism that things will get better, because they couldn’t get any worse or (3) there is hope for all of us, no matter how bad eGrumps plagiarized sense of humor is. If you’d like to tell your friends about this site, be my guest – all you have to lose is their friendship.
If you would like to contact me, I can be reached at egrumps@egrumps.com, and I will give your email all the attention it deserves.
Onward and upward with today’s Pithy Comments:
Inevitable Slogans and Sayings
1. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
2. My rules apply to other people, not to myself.
3. Whatever it is – I didn’t do it.
4. Avoid reality at all costs.
5. Believe in Darwin, cancer cures smoking.
6. Never trust a nun with a gun.
7. I should have known better, every happy moment in my life came from lying.
8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry – you’ll get over it.
9. Smile – tomorrow will be worse. (Believe me about that, eGrumps)
Finally – as my friends have told me (both of them) – eGrumps, you haven’t lost your mind, it’s backed up on a disk somewhere.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, December 7th, 2010
Great pearls of wisdom created over the ages by learned sages, or so I was told by a learned sage who was trying to freeload a drink from me at the local pub.
1. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
2. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
3. Not tonight dear — I have a modem.
4. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.
5. Sex is a disrobic experience.
6. Work is the course of the drinking class.
7. “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.” (Henry Kissinger)
8. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, November 29th, 2010
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
A good duct tape job will fix almost anything.
“Ambulance problems:
1. Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but temporary, deafness
2. Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but temporary, blindness.
Theses rules do not apply in California where motorists are apparently oblivious to any traffic laws.”
“The game of catch has never been so much fun.” The inventor of the hand grenade.
Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they will not go to yours.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
If you think there is good in everybody, you obviously haven’t met me.
“The statement below is true.”
“The statement above is false.”
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, November 28th, 2010
All right – some of these are not famous.
Actually – I meant to type “Infamous.”
Read on anyhow, I need the readership.
Learn to be assertive, take charge of your TY remote control.
Women are all the same, they all want to be different.
Remember, it’s always darkest just before it gets black.
Honesty is the best policy, but who can afford it?
Now that I am approaching another birthday, I decided to heed this advice. “Sex over sixty can be deadly and dangerous.” I strongly recommend pulling over first.
Mrs. eGrumps and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” Henny Youngman.
Remember: “I” before “E”, except in “Budweiser.”
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, October 24th, 2010
How’s the wife and my kids?
A joke is a very serious thing.
There was a young man from Peru.
Whose limericks stopped at two.
Computer repairmen are a menace to civilization. Not microbes.
Laughter is wonderful, but it does take a lot of exertion.
“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul, can always count on the support of Paul.” George Bernard Shaw. (This quotation has been the inspiration for most, if not all, of the efforts by Washington to do whatever they think they are doing for the American economy.)
“Familiarity breeds contempt, and children.” Mark Twain
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, October 2nd, 2010
“Retirement can be a happy time, a pleasant time, a joyous time, unless you are married to the retiree.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
“eGrumps – some day you’ll go far, and I hope you stay there.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
A diplomat is the only person who can say to his opponent: “Congratulations, you lose.”
eGrumps enjoys procrastination – it gives him something to do tomorrow.
At a banquet where eGrumps was the guest of honor, he stated: “I don’t know whether I have been introduced or read my Miranda rights.”
There’s strange thing about memory. Damned if I can remember what it was.
“I have never taken any exercise except sleep and rest.” (Mark Twain) “Mark was my kind of person” (eGrumps) ”eGrumps, he must hve been talking about you.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Mrs. eGrumps, you, my dear, are a certified idiot.”(eGrumps). “I am not certified.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
Happy October!
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Wednesday, September 29th, 2010
Make three consecutive guesses correctly, and you have established yourself as an expert..
What this world needs is a damn good plague.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, then you’ve got something.
If it’s good, they’ll stop making it.
Every man has a scheme that will not work.
The Law of Institutional Food. “Everything is cold except what should be.”
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other,
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, September 24th, 2010
There are only two problems with people. The first is they don’t think, the second is they do.
The Pollyanna Paradox: “Every day in every way things get better and better, then worse in the evening.”
If your experiment works, you much be using the wrong equipment.
There is no such thing as a large whiskey.
If the Lord had intended us to travel in tourist class, he would have made us narrower.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Even paranoids have enemies.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, September 16th, 2010
In every organization there will be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired, or
On every Board of Directors, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be committed, or
In every government department, there will always be one person who will know what is going on. This person must be demoted, or
On every Congressional committee, there will always be one person who will know what is going on. This person must be transferred to a new committee, or
In every school room, there will always be one student who knows what the teacher really means. This person must be flunked, or
In every group of readers who read these postings, there will not be one person who thinks eGrumps is an awesome person. This group must be enlarged, no matter what the cost until someone can be admitted to the group who thinks eGrumps is brilliant, awesome, and, not to mention it, a truly handsome devil. (“It may take a very large group to find such an individual, if, indeed one can be found at all.” Mrs. eGrumps)(“Damn, but I hate that woman. I must have been drunk when I married her.” eGrumps)
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, September 14th, 2010
The alternative to growing old is depressing.
The idea is to die young, as late as possible.
Evil is live spelled backwards. (“I don’t know why that has any relevance to anything.” eGrumps)
If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first class.
One of eGrumps laws about computers: “If a computer cable has one end, it should have another.”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Murphy (Part 7 +/-) — Alive and Well. Obscure Comments that Will outlast Old Murph.
Saturday, April 28th, 2012Welcome back, friends – It’s time to relive the glory days of last week, when I sent out other Murphyisms. I’m told nothing lives forever, but I don’t think, no, I know, that doesn’t apply to Murphy’s comments. Comedians may come and go, but Murphy lives forever.
If you’ve missed some earlier postings scroll down and treat yourself to a whole bunch of beautiful sayings. No matter what the self-help books say, what is time for if you can’t waste it.
1. (An old favorite) – Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth. (Actually, Murphy didn’t write that. Mrs. eGrumps thinks I did it, and I don’t want to disillusion her. It is rumored that the author was stabbed to death by his candy-loving girlfriend, and buried in an unmarked grave. He remains anonymous. His girlfriend was never caught.)
2. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
3. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
4. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
If we everything to lose by change, relax.
5. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. All’s well that ends.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Laughter, Nonsense, Pithy Comment, Pithy Comments, Wit | No Comments »