Archive for the ‘Pithy Comment’ Category
Tuesday, November 30th, 2010
If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast and cheap.
eGrumps’ one liners are like deja vu all over again.
You know you’re schizophrenic when you get two bills from your psychiatrist.
Living – it is the only thing worth dying for.
Always try to do things in chronological order – it’s less confusing that way.
Nothing is so simple it can’t be screwed up.
The easiest way to figure out when you got pregnant is to have sex once a year.
Never confuse having a career with having a life.
Beta software is undergoing testing when it is released. Actually, “Beta” is Latin for” still doesn’t work.”
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, October 17th, 2010
Sorry team – eGrumps has been out of circulation for about a week. Nothing serious, I think I OD’d on Mrs. eGrumps cooking. How was she to know, she said, that the container of rat poison wasn’t seasoning for her pasta. Damn, but I hate that woman. I know she wouldn’t lie to me, would she? Nah – well, may be a little bit. Actually that was the best tasting pasta she ever made, which tells you something about her cooking ability.
Alway remember this basic principle:
No mater what your aim in life,
No matter what your goal.
Keep your eye upon the donut,
And not upon the hole.
That has absolutely nothing to do with her cooking skills, or lack thereof, but I kind of like the poem. I have consistently ignored it all my miserable life, and what has it gotten me – a lying wife. She tried to poison me, and then said she didn’t.
But I digress from the basis tenet of this web site – one-liners and pithy comments. So here are a few I accumulated during my absence.
1.Every man has a scheme that will not work.
2. If you want to kill any idea in the world today – get a committee working on it.
3. Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmill.
4. When the going gets tough, it isn’t true that the tough get going – actually everyone leaves.
5. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
6. If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.
7. Never, ever buy rat poison when you wife sends you to the market.
“Have a great day.I don’t suppose you’d believe I was only kidding about Mrs. eGrumps pasta recipe.” eGrumps.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, April 22nd, 2010
Famous Maxims of Life for the Pessimist:
If you’re feeling good, don’t worry you’ll get over it.
When things can’t get any worse, don’t worry, they will.
When things are going well something will go wrong.
Any time things appear to be getting better, you have overlooked something.
The more time you spend on reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothinh you are doing.
You can’t guard against the arbitrary. If things were left to chance, they’d be better.
The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcase.
When all else fails, read the instructions
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, January 26th, 2010
Reality is for people who can’t handle Star Trek (“That’s me” eGrumps)
If you laugh a lot, when you get older, your wrinkles will be in the right places.
The easiest way to find something that is lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
There is no future in time travel.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
I would gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth on an individual.
Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, December 3rd, 2009
Noah’s most famous quotation: “Scattered showers my ass!”
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one of them.
Who are those kids and why are they calling me Dad?
So many freaks. So few circuses.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
“Doctor, doctor. You’ve got to help me- I just can’t stop my hands shaking.”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it.”
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, October 3rd, 2009
Perfect definition of eGrumps – an egotist. An egotist is, of course, a man who thinks of himself first and thinks of himself second.
The man who doesn’t entertain evil thoughts on sex, is probably letting them entertain him.
The earth is a temporary lodging for the living, and a permanent residence for the dead.
An eccentric is a person who is to rich to be called a crackpot.
On a date, a good girl is good, but a bad date is better.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, October 3rd, 2009
eGrumps favorite pithy comment of the day – from Will Rogers: “The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.”
“The whole of government consists in the art of being honest.” (Thomas Jefferson) (This was written some time ago and today is being ignored by most governments – eGrumps)”Jefferson was an optimist” (eGrumps)
God heals, and the doctor takes the fee.
There are three chief causes of divorce in America: (1) men, (2) women and (3) marriage.
A joint checking account is never overdrawn by the wife. It is just under-deposited by the husband.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
Happy end-of-the-month to all of you. Thanks for continuing to read my words of wisdom. Keep coming back (maybe it will get better – doubt it). You may not learn anything (Actually “will not learn anything” would be more accurate), but maybe you’ll get a few laughs. Maybe not. Probably not. But – what else have you go to do with your time. eGrumps.
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eGrumps philosophical comment of the day: I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my wife to the airport.
Attention to health is the greatest hindrance to enjoying life.
Did you hear about the girl who was going out with the undertaker? She was sure he only wanted her for her body.
A human being is like a spaceship. They do not come with operating manuals.
eGrumps is determined to stay out of debt. Even if he has to borrow money to do it.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, August 13th, 2009
You know there’s a reason eGrumps has that stupid grin on his face. He is stupid.
A minor operation is one performed on someone else.
“There is so much nudity in film this year, that this year’s Oscar for clothing design will probably go to a dermatologist.” (Phyllis Diller)
Last night I dreamed that I ate a five pound marshmellow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
In my marriage my wife and I agreed never to go to bed mad. We haven’t slept in three weeks.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, July 11th, 2009
1. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
2. Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
3. Honey, I formatted the kid.
4. Computers, make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, June 29th, 2009
He’s a man of a few, ill-chosen words
Every time he goes out with a woman,
either she’s married or he is.
He’s found real happiness in marriage,
his wife doesn’t watch him too closely.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, June 14th, 2009
I dreamed I was on a deserted island with
three beautiful women.The sad part,
was that I was a palm tree.
Everyone should take a summer vacation.
Remember mosquitoes also have to eat.
eGrumps has a terrible inferiority complex,
and he may be right.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, June 7th, 2009
Don’t ever go swimming after a heavy meal, you’ll never find it there.
Golf and fishing have made more liars out of people than income tax.
The woman who is easy to get may be hard to take.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, June 5th, 2009
Special tribute – certainly not a Pithy Comment:
This is dedicated to America’s brave soldiers who landed in Europe on D-Day, June 6th,1944, and made the ultimate sacrifce to preserve freedom. May they never be forgotten and may they rest in peace.
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“Sixty years ago I knew everything: now I know
nothing. Education is a progressive discovery
of our own ignorance.” (Will Durant)
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”
(W. C. Fields)
“People who have heard me sing, say I don’t”
(Mark Twain)
Tags: Pithy Comment
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Saturday, May 30th, 2009
Computers cannot think and have no intelligence. They only think they are intelligent.
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them will not aggrevate.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, May 17th, 2009
Science is true. Don’t be misled by facts.
When working toward the solution of a problem
it always helps when you know the answer.
Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, May 16th, 2009
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
“I don’t blame hospitals for trying to keep their costs
down. But I really think a coin-operated
bedpan is going a little too far.” (Joey Adams)
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
I’m now at the age where I’ve got to prove I’m just as good as I never was.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
If it wasn’t for my faults, I’d be perfect.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
“I don’t want to make the wrong mistake.” (Yogi Berra)
Women like silent men. They think they are listening.
“One has two duties – to be worried and not to be worried.” (E. M. Forester)
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, May 11th, 2009
“Ever notice that ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision?”
Marilyn Monroe
Oh Lord give me patience… NOW!
Celibacy is not heredity.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Famous, and Not-so-Famous, One Liners — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments from eGrumps. (November 30, 2010)
Tuesday, November 30th, 2010If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast and cheap.
eGrumps’ one liners are like deja vu all over again.
You know you’re schizophrenic when you get two bills from your psychiatrist.
Living – it is the only thing worth dying for.
Always try to do things in chronological order – it’s less confusing that way.
Nothing is so simple it can’t be screwed up.
The easiest way to figure out when you got pregnant is to have sex once a year.
Never confuse having a career with having a life.
Beta software is undergoing testing when it is released. Actually, “Beta” is Latin for” still doesn’t work.”
__________________________________________
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit | No Comments »