Archive for the ‘Pithy Comment’ Category
Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) — January 26, 2010 and January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26th, 2010One-Line Jokes, Humor and Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) — December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3rd, 2009Noah’s most famous quotation: “Scattered showers my ass!”
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one of them.
Who are those kids and why are they calling me Dad?
So many freaks. So few circuses.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
“Doctor, doctor. You’ve got to help me- I just can’t stop my hands shaking.”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it.”
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October 4, 2009
Saturday, October 3rd, 2009Perfect definition of eGrumps – an egotist. An egotist is, of course, a man who thinks of himself first and thinks of himself second.
The man who doesn’t entertain evil thoughts on sex, is probably letting them entertain him.
The earth is a temporary lodging for the living, and a permanent residence for the dead.
An eccentric is a person who is to rich to be called a crackpot.
On a date, a good girl is good, but a bad date is better.
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October 3, 2009
Saturday, October 3rd, 2009eGrumps favorite pithy comment of the day – from Will Rogers: “The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.”
“The whole of government consists in the art of being honest.” (Thomas Jefferson) (This was written some time ago and today is being ignored by most governments – eGrumps)”Jefferson was an optimist” (eGrumps)
God heals, and the doctor takes the fee.
There are three chief causes of divorce in America: (1) men, (2) women and (3) marriage.
A joint checking account is never overdrawn by the wife. It is just under-deposited by the husband.
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September 30, 2009
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009Happy end-of-the-month to all of you. Thanks for continuing to read my words of wisdom. Keep coming back (maybe it will get better – doubt it). You may not learn anything (Actually “will not learn anything” would be more accurate), but maybe you’ll get a few laughs. Maybe not. Probably not. But – what else have you go to do with your time. eGrumps.
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eGrumps philosophical comment of the day: I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my wife to the airport.
Attention to health is the greatest hindrance to enjoying life.
Did you hear about the girl who was going out with the undertaker? She was sure he only wanted her for her body.
A human being is like a spaceship. They do not come with operating manuals.
eGrumps is determined to stay out of debt. Even if he has to borrow money to do it.
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August 14, 2009
Thursday, August 13th, 2009You know there’s a reason eGrumps has that stupid grin on his face. He is stupid.
A minor operation is one performed on someone else.
“There is so much nudity in film this year, that this year’s Oscar for clothing design will probably go to a dermatologist.” (Phyllis Diller)
Last night I dreamed that I ate a five pound marshmellow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
In my marriage my wife and I agreed never to go to bed mad. We haven’t slept in three weeks.
July 12, 2009 (Computer Pithy Comments – Computers Are Human Too)
Saturday, July 11th, 20091. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
2. Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
3. Honey, I formatted the kid.
4. Computers, make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29th, 2009He’s a man of a few, ill-chosen words
Every time he goes out with a woman,
either she’s married or he is.
He’s found real happiness in marriage,
his wife doesn’t watch him too closely.
June 14, 2009
Sunday, June 14th, 2009I dreamed I was on a deserted island with
three beautiful women.The sad part,
was that I was a palm tree.
Everyone should take a summer vacation.
Remember mosquitoes also have to eat.
eGrumps has a terrible inferiority complex,
and he may be right.
June 7, 2009
Sunday, June 7th, 2009Don’t ever go swimming after a heavy meal, you’ll never find it there.
Golf and fishing have made more liars out of people than income tax.
The woman who is easy to get may be hard to take.
June 6, 2009
Friday, June 5th, 2009Special tribute – certainly not a Pithy Comment:
This is dedicated to America’s brave soldiers who landed in Europe on D-Day, June 6th,1944, and made the ultimate sacrifce to preserve freedom. May they never be forgotten and may they rest in peace.
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“Sixty years ago I knew everything: now I know
nothing. Education is a progressive discovery
of our own ignorance.” (Will Durant)
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”
(W. C. Fields)
“People who have heard me sing, say I don’t”
(Mark Twain)
May 30, 2009
Saturday, May 30th, 2009Computers cannot think and have no intelligence. They only think they are intelligent.
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them will not aggrevate.
Sunday, May 17th, 2009
Science is true. Don’t be misled by facts.
When working toward the solution of a problem
it always helps when you know the answer.
Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.
Saturday, May 16th, 2009
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
“I don’t blame hospitals for trying to keep their costs
down. But I really think a coin-operated
bedpan is going a little too far.” (Joey Adams)
Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
I’m now at the age where I’ve got to prove I’m just as good as I never was.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
If it wasn’t for my faults, I’d be perfect.
Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
“I don’t want to make the wrong mistake.” (Yogi Berra)
Women like silent men. They think they are listening.
“One has two duties – to be worried and not to be worried.” (E. M. Forester)
Monday, May 11th, 2009
“Ever notice that ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision?”
Marilyn Monroe
Oh Lord give me patience… NOW!
Celibacy is not heredity.
Pessimists Maxims of Life – Jokes, Humor and Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) — April 22, 2010.
Thursday, April 22nd, 2010Famous Maxims of Life for the Pessimist:
If you’re feeling good, don’t worry you’ll get over it.
When things can’t get any worse, don’t worry, they will.
When things are going well something will go wrong.
Any time things appear to be getting better, you have overlooked something.
The more time you spend on reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothinh you are doing.
You can’t guard against the arbitrary. If things were left to chance, they’d be better.
The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcase.
When all else fails, read the instructions
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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