Pithy Comments

Some girls blush when they are kissed
and some girls swear, but the worst
are those who laugh.

Las Vegas is a resort city whose two chief
sources of income are seven and eleven.

People fall in love, but they have to climb out.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love,
and find out later that she has a lot of money.

With a face like yours, you should be in radio.
(I tried, but no one would hire me – eGrumps)

The reason there is so little crime in Beverly Hills is that it against the law.

“To be loved, be lovable”
(That describes eGrumps  – “lovable”)

He hasn’t an enemy in the world,
but all his friends hate him.
(That also describes eGrumps)

Home is the place where teenagers go to refuel.

I am a great fortune teller. My predictions
have proved 100% accurate 14% of the time.

She admitted she was forty. She just didn’t say when.

Some new electronic equipment is so complicated,
only a child can operate it.

“You’re never too old to become younger.” (Mae West)

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance.

You are where you eat.

“We can’t all be heroes because someone has to sit
on the curb and clap as they go by.” (Will Rogers)

It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.

There’s only one thing worse than feeling inferior,
and that’s being able to prove it.

Nature’s wonderful. The older you get,
the harder it is to see yourself in the mirror.

I couldn’t believe it when I graduated with honors.
Neither did my school, that’s why they made me retake the tests.

History is the science of what never happens twice.

98% of all statistics are made up.

Everyone has a plan that will not work.

• Advertising can be very expensive, especially if
  your wife can read.
  

• A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
  

• I’ve got two wonderful children, and two out of five isn’t bad.

I was married once. Now I just lease.

Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor.

“Dear Sweetheart: Last night I thought of you. At least
I thought it was you.” (from Snoopy, by Charles Schulz.”)

“I’m so healthy it’s sickening.” (eGrumps)

The Puritan Principle: “If it feels good, don’t do it.”

Never stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.

She’s a genius - an I. Q. of 170, same as her weight.

“All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.” (Dorothy Parker)

“Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” (Lily Tomlin)

If it weren’t for the last minute,
nothing would get done.

A sure sign of old age is when you feel like
the morning after and you haven’t been
anywhere the night before.

The worst thing about retirement is having
to drink coffee on your own time.

If you don’t go to people’s funerals, they won’t come to yours.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” (Mark Twain)

Thank heaven this is a free country, where you can do exactly as the government pleases
(Sign in a corporate boardroom)