Archive for the ‘Nonsense’ Category

June 9, 2009

Monday, June 8th, 2009

Los Angeles is the only place in the world
that you can wake up in the morning
and hear the birds coughing in the trees.

Old age is the outpatients’ Department of Purgatory.

“I read part of it all the way through.” (Sam Goldwyn)

June 8, 2009

Sunday, June 7th, 2009

Some girls blush when they are kissed
and some girls swear, but the worst
are those who laugh.

Las Vegas is a resort city whose two chief
sources of income are seven and eleven.

People fall in love, but they have to climb out.

June 7, 2009

Sunday, June 7th, 2009

Don’t ever go swimming after a heavy meal, you’ll never find it there.

Golf and fishing have made more liars out of  people than income tax.

The woman who is easy to get may be hard to take.

June 5, 2009

Thursday, June 4th, 2009

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love,
and find out later that she has a lot of money.

With a face like yours, you should be in radio.
(I tried, but no one would hire me – eGrumps)

June 4, 2009

Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009

The reason there is so little crime in Beverly Hills is that it against the law.

“To be loved, be lovable”
(That describes eGrumps  – “lovable”)

He hasn’t an enemy in the world,
but all his friends hate him.
(That also describes eGrumps)

June 3, 2009

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009

Home is the place where teenagers go to refuel.

I am a great fortune teller. My predictions
have proved 100% accurate 14% of the time.

She admitted she was forty. She just didn’t say when.

June 2, 2009

Monday, June 1st, 2009

Some new electronic equipment is so complicated,
only a child can operate it.

“You’re never too old to become younger.” (Mae West)

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance.

June 1, 2009

Monday, June 1st, 2009

You are where you eat.

“We can’t all be heroes because someone has to sit
on the curb and clap as they go by.” (Will Rogers)

It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.

May 31, 2009

Sunday, May 31st, 2009

There’s only one thing worse than feeling inferior,
and that’s being able to prove it.

Nature’s wonderful. The older you get,
the harder it is to see yourself in the mirror.

I couldn’t believe it when I graduated with honors.
Neither did my school, that’s why they made me retake the tests.

May 30, 2009

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

Computers cannot think and have no intelligence. They only think they are intelligent.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them will not aggrevate.

May 29, 2009

Friday, May 29th, 2009

History is the science of what never happens twice.

98% of all statistics are made up.

Everyone has a plan that will not work.

May 26, 2009

Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
  • Advertising can be very expensive, especially if
    your wife can read.

  • A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.

  • I’ve got two wonderful children, and two out of five isn’t bad.

May 25, 2009

Monday, May 25th, 2009

A government-run business is an organization that
has raised stupidity to the status of a religion.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Saturday, May 23rd, 2009

I was married once. Now I just lease.

Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor.

“Dear Sweetheart: Last night I thought of you. At least
I thought it was you.” (from Snoopy, by Charles Schulz.”)

Friday, May 22nd, 2009

“I’m so healthy it’s sickening.” (eGrumps)

The Puritan Principle: “If it feels good, don’t do it.”

Never stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.

Wednesday, May 20th, 2009

She’s a genius - an I. Q. of 170, same as her weight.

“All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.” (Dorothy Parker)

“Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” (Lily Tomlin)

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

If it weren’t for the last minute,
nothing would get done.

A sure sign of old age is when you feel like
the morning after and you haven’t been
anywhere the night before
.

The worst thing about retirement is having
to drink coffee on your own time.

Monday, May 18th, 2009

If you don’t go to people’s funerals, they won’t come to yours.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” (Mark Twain)

Thank heaven this is a free country, where you can do exactly as the government pleases
(Sign in a corporate boardroom)

Sunday, May 17th, 2009

Science is true. Don’t be misled by facts.

When working toward the solution of a problem
it always helps when you know the answer.

Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.

Saturday, May 16th, 2009

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

“I don’t blame hospitals for trying to keep their costs
down. But I really think a coin-operated
bedpan is going a little too far.” (Joey Adams)