2. Etiquette: The art of doing the wrong thing the right way.

3. A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient. (This is not in the annals of the American Medical Association, but it should be)

4. Only an old timer can remember when dancing was done with the feet. That is,  if he can remember anything.

5. Criticism of eGrumps wouldn’t be so hard to take, except for the fact it is usually correct.

6. A comic is a man who originates old jokes. (That really hurts my ego, eGrumps)

7. IT IS NOT CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN.

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1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant.  The population, however, continues to grow.

4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.

5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.

6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

7. No matter where you go, there you are!

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Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and

the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet

1. “There can’t be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” (Henry Kissinger)

2. A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.

3. To lose is to learn. (Spoken by losers the world over. No winner ever said that)

4. The dice have no memory. (Neither do politicans.)

5. The girl who is easy to get may be hard to take.

6. “I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” (Fred Allen)

7. It’s easy to tell who your friends are. They’re the ones that stab you in the front.

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SCIENCE IS TRUE. DON’T BE MISLED BY FACTS. (LOVE IT – IT IS THE STORY OF MY CAREER AS A RESEARCH SCIENTIST (EMERITUS)).

1.  Hell is the place where everything tests perfectly, and nothing works.

2. There are no answers, only cross-references.

3. Computers are useless, all they give you is answers.

4. In mathematics, you don’t understand  things, only get used to them.

5. Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.

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As ourPresident might have said:

Bibi, old buddy – if  Israel will go back to its 1967 borders, America will give it, royalty-free, its plans for the fence separating the USA from Mexico.  The Director of Homeland Security has told me it has been very effective in keeping out the illegals, and I know she wouldn’t lie to me. If  it has worked for us, it will work for you in the same manner – it’s a win, win situation for Israel, the US and the Palestinians. Actually, it is a no lose proposition – for two out of three, and those are pretty good odds.

Bibi, I haven’t mentioned before, out alligator farms. We are breeding the biggest, meanest alligators ever seen, and they are all yours, free of charge. All you have to do is build a moat next to the foolproof fence (see above) and put the alligators in. My Secretary of Defense (and alligators are a defensive weapons system) has assured me they are cost effective, especially since they  have a tendency to breed rather rapidly. I know he wouldn’t lie to me. We are trying to solve the problem of determining the females and the males, but once that has been mastered, it’s all to your benefit. Unfortunately we lost three alligator sex determiners last week, and recruits are now not volunteering the way they did in the past, but that can be solved. We’re working on a solution. One of my aides suggested that would be a relatively easy way to reduce the number of Republican candidates who want to run against me, but there are some problems with that approach. Trust me – we’ll solve it.

Bibi, I can’t think of a better way to solve the “right of return” problem than by having them cross the moat, climb the fence, cut through the barbed wire, and cross the mine field before they qualify as lawful immigrants to Israel. You can even copy our amnesty program, as soon as we work out a solution, which we anticipate should be around 2024.
Bibi, our countries must cooperate in this endeavor, and we have taken a first step by showing you the way to lead the Iraelis out of bondage. If Moses could do it, so can you. Trust us.

Finally, Bibi, old friend, America is willing to give you the services of a prominent member of our Jewish community to help you. I know Lady GaGa would not refuse. Please give her a call. Put the charge on the White House telephone bill.   – we get a discounted rate.

(It is very hard to make fun of this very serious situation, but I’d rather take this approach, then to even suggest that the Israelis go back to the 1967 border – That’s about as unfunny as it can get. As your countrymen,, Mr. Prime Minister, have said “Never Again,” and I’m with you, sarcasm or not)

If you would like to contact me, I can be reached at egrumps@egrumps.com, and I will give your email all the attention it deserves.

Onward and upward with today’s Pithy Comments:
Inevitable Slogans and Sayings

1. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

2. My rules apply to other people, not to myself.

3. Whatever it is – I didn’t do it.

4. Avoid reality at all costs.

5. Believe in Darwin, cancer cures smoking.

6. Never trust a nun with a gun.

7. I should have known better, every happy moment in my life came from lying.

8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry – you’ll get over it.

9. Smile – tomorrow will be worse. (Believe me about that, eGrumps)

Finally – as my friends have told me (both of them) – eGrumps, you haven’t lost your mind, it’s backed up on a disk somewhere.

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Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

A good duct tape job will fix almost anything.

“Ambulance problems:

1. Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but temporary, deafness
2. Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but temporary, blindness.

Theses rules do not apply in California where motorists are apparently oblivious to any traffic laws.”

“The game of catch has never been so much fun.” The inventor of the hand grenade.

Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they will not go to yours.

Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.

If you think there is good in everybody, you obviously haven’t met me.

“The statement below is true.”
“The statement above is false.”

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

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A man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

In specifications, Murphy’s Law supersedes Ohm’s.

Never say “oop’s” in the Operating Room. (This was actually Dr. Murphy’s Law).

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. (Murphy was never very good at grammar – The sentence ends in a proposition, oop’s, that should be “preposition.” That shows you where my mind is.)

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!

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Every person has a scheme that will not work.

The other line moves faster.

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

When the lights are out all women are beautiful, or
When the lights are out, all men are handsome.
“eGrumps, you are never handsome, even with the lights out.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
“What I have to endure Just to publish these comments for the edification of humankind, that excludes Mrs. eGrumps, who last time I looked with the lights on, was not a member of humankind. I couldn’t even start to speculate as to what”kind” she is or what tribe(s) threw her out. I think she must have been scaring the children.” (eGrumps)

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A practical nurse is one who marries a rich patient.

I once had a very good nurse. When she took my blood pressure, she deducted 20 points for cleavage.

Nurse to eGrumps in hospital: “I can only please one patient per day. Today isn’t your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.”

Top Reasons to Become a Nurse (from www.nursingfun.com – thanks)

Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren’t as good.

Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.

Needles: “Tis better to give than receive”

Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops…eventually.

Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.

Interesting aromas.

Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.

Celebrate all the holidays with your friends at work.

Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

EGrumps to all the nurses that have taken care of me in sickness and health. When I was in good health, the transformation to sickness was almost painless, and I survived – so far. When I was in poor health, I survived – so far. So who needed you? Thanks anyhow, Ladies.

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