A man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

In specifications, Murphy’s Law supersedes Ohm’s.

Never say “oop’s” in the Operating Room. (This was actually Dr. Murphy’s Law).

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. (Murphy was never very good at grammar – The sentence ends in a proposition, oop’s, that should be “preposition.” That shows you where my mind is.)

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!

_______________________________________________

Every person has a scheme that will not work.

The other line moves faster.

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

When the lights are out all women are beautiful, or
When the lights are out, all men are handsome.
“eGrumps, you are never handsome, even with the lights out.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
“What I have to endure Just to publish these comments for the edification of humankind, that excludes Mrs. eGrumps, who last time I looked with the lights on, was not a member of humankind. I couldn’t even start to speculate as to what”kind” she is or what tribe(s) threw her out. I think she must have been scaring the children.” (eGrumps)

_____________________________________________

A practical nurse is one who marries a rich patient.

I once had a very good nurse. When she took my blood pressure, she deducted 20 points for cleavage.

Nurse to eGrumps in hospital: “I can only please one patient per day. Today isn’t your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.”

Top Reasons to Become a Nurse (from www.nursingfun.com – thanks)

Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren’t as good.

Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.

Needles: “Tis better to give than receive”

Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops…eventually.

Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.

Interesting aromas.

Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.

Celebrate all the holidays with your friends at work.

Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

EGrumps to all the nurses that have taken care of me in sickness and health. When I was in good health, the transformation to sickness was almost painless, and I survived – so far. When I was in poor health, I survived – so far. So who needed you? Thanks anyhow, Ladies.

__________________________________________________________

Throughout history, there have been a number of famous last words. They probably weren’t intended as being last words, but….  Here are a few:

1. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it.

2. The odds of that happening have got to be a million to one.

3. Pull the pin and count to what.

4. Which wire was I supposed to cut?

5. Gee, that’s a cute tatoo.

6. Don’t be so superstitious.

7. That’s odd.

8. I guarantee you’ll like going to

http://pithycomment.com

________________________________________________

On March 18, 2010 (If you have lost my earlier letter, please scroll down) I posted about a problem with your letter (of March 2010) demanding that I sign and send in my census form immediately, despite the fact the form relates to events occurring on April 1, 2010. I expected some clarification, but alas, you have not had the common courtesy to respond.

My comment about you being qualified as Director of Obamacare seems to have been quite accurate.

Now, however, the problem has been compounded. The Dept. of Census has put out TV commercials (not too entertaining, I must say) telling me to send in my census form right away. Same problem – it was March 21 that the commercials appeared, and the info requested is for April 1. I am still not able to predict the future with any degree of accuracy. I could guess, but that would probably be illegal, and I am too old to go to jail.

Please – IMMEDIATELY tell me what to do. This situation is quite stressful, as you can imagine. You could be liable under tort law for the deliberate infliction of mental suffering. I may sue.

eGrumps

P.S. I suggest you not pay for the commercials, or if you have paid, get your money back – with interest. As a taxpayer, your conduct really tees me off .

P.P.S. Is there no end to your incompetence? One would think you work for the government. Oops – you do work for the government. Maybe that explains it, but certainly doesn’t excuse your conduct in this matter. It is very serious to advise fellow American citizens (and aliens as well) to break the law. Actually, if aliens break the law, perhaps you can immediately deport them. Ask A. G. Holder – he’d probably agree unless they are working for ACORN in voter registration drives, in which case A. G. Holder might leave them here until after the 2010 elections.

___________________________________________________________

1. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

2. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

3. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

4. Is there another word for synonym?

5. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

6. Sooner or later, doesn’t everyone stop smoking?

7. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends.

8. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

_________________________________________________

A few of life’s immortal questions (well, maybe not so immortal). When I first started this posting, I typed “immoral questions” and then I couldn’t find any one-liners – but stay tuned, Tomorrow is another day, actually another month, but I think I said that before, and immoral one-liners will be found – I guarantee it, almost.

1.  Does killing time damage eternity?

2.  Is it possible to buy something specific in a general store?

3. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

4. What would happen if you put instant coffee in a microwave? Would you go back in time?

5. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

6. How can you have a self-help group?

7. Why do they print expiration dates on preservatives?

If you have answers to the foregoing – email me at egrumps@egrumps.com, and if suitably funny I’ll post them someday. Anyone who gets his answer posted will get the award he, or she, deserves – a free subscription to my other sub-prime web site: http://egrumps.com

____________________________________________

1. If it wasn’t for the olives in martinis, eGrumps would starve to death.

2. eGrumps never drinks while he is driving, he’d spill too much.

3. eGrumps read about the evils of drinking, so he gave up reading.

4. eGrumps never drinks unless he is alone or with someone.

5. If someone asks eGrumps whether he’d like scotch, gin or vodka – he answers “Yes”

6. eGrumps never drinks water because he found out fish make love in it!

__________________________________________________

Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.

Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

In the fight between you and the world, bet on the world.

If you want to kill any idea in the world today, get a committee working on it..

Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.

_______________________________________________________

Computer words of wisdom:

1. If your computer says “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be solved by continuously clicking the OK button.

2. COFFEE.EXE Missing — Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

3. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

4. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that are not broken.

5. Computers can never replace human stupidity.

6. I haven’t lost my mind. It is backed up on tape somewhere.

7. Maintenance free – when it is broken, it cannot be fixed.

__________________________________________________