Pithy Comments

A few of life’s unanswered questions like: God couldn’t possibly have created  eGrumps, He couldn’t be that mean to inflict him upon the rest of humanity, could He?

1. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

2. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

3. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

4. Is there another word for synonym?

5. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

6. Sooner or later, doesn’t everyone stop smoking?

7. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends.

8. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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Happy last day of February. Tomorrow is March 1st. We all survived another month (assuming you make it to tomorrow) – congratulations!

A few of life’s immortal questions (well, maybe not so immortal). When I first started this posting, I typed “immoral questions” and then I couldn’t find any one-liners – but stay tuned, Tomorrow is another day, actually another month, but I think I said that before, and immoral one-liners will be found – I guarantee it, almost.

1.  Does killing time damage eternity?

2.  Is it possible to buy something specific in a general store?

3. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

4. What would happen if you put instant coffee in a microwave? Would you go back in time?

5. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

6. How can you have a self-help group?

7. Why do they print expiration dates on preservatives?

If you have answers to the foregoing – email me at egrumps@egrumps.com, and if suitably funny I’ll post them someday. Anyone who gets his answer posted will get the award he, or she, deserves – a free subscription to my other sub-prime web site: http://egrumps.com

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The Wages of Sin — Drinking Alcoholic Beverages (all right so it isn’t a sin, technically, until one drinks too much – and then it may lead to Sin – “I certainly hope so, if I get lucky, as they say” (eGrumps)) The following are comments made at various times  about eGrumps drinking “problems” – none of them true, of course.

1. If it wasn’t for the olives in martinis, eGrumps would starve to death.

2. eGrumps never drinks while he is driving, he’d spill too much.

3. eGrumps read about the evils of drinking, so he gave up reading.

4. eGrumps never drinks unless he is alone or with someone.

5. If someone asks eGrumps whether he’d like scotch, gin or vodka – he answers “Yes”

6. eGrumps never drinks water because he found out fish make love in it!

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eGrumps law of seduction: “She who is silent consents.”

Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.

Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

In the fight between you and the world, bet on the world.

If you want to kill any idea in the world today, get a committee working on it..

Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.

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eGrumps brain is like a vacuum cleaner. It sucks whenever he has to use it.

You can marry more money in ten minutes than you can earn in a lifetime.

The problem with pessimists is that they are right too much.

Lord give me patience – and I mean right now!

My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

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eGrumps doesn’t eat snails. He prefers fast food.

“People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.” (Jerry Lewis) “Me too” (eGrumps).

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

The shortest distance between two points is under repair.

“It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.” (Mae West) “No Kidding “(eGrumps).

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