Archive for the ‘Nonsense’ Category
Murphy (Part 7 +/-) — Alive and Well. Obscure Comments that Will outlast Old Murph.
Saturday, April 28th, 20124. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
Murphy’s Laws (Part 5) – He’s Alive and Well – Obscure Comments Made By And To The Master.
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012The Obscure Laws just seem to keep coming and coming. Maybe the transmission device is being powered by the Energizer Bunny. If so, it is one sick bunny. (compiled by eGrumps – under-powered, but loved, respected and delusional)
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
If it seems to good to be true, it probably is.
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Food that tastes the best always has the highest number of calories.
What men learn from history is that men don’t learn from history.
Scroll down for more truly intelligent Murphyisms.
_____________________________________________________
Murphy (Part 3) Alive and Well — Obscure Comments Made by and to The Master
Friday, March 9th, 2012Saved from obscurity by the writer (or compiler) or better yet (the thief who stole these comments) in homage to the great one – Murphy. eGrumps, the thief, sits in abject humility as the feet of the memory of Murphy – one man who changed the world. Can one sit at the feet of a memory? Why not? It’s the least I can do in order to pay homage. Rest well, Murph old buddy.
1. After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket is missing.
2. Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman!
3. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
4. Of two possible outcomes, only the least desireable will be discovered first.
5. Anything worth doing is worth doing for the money.
6. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
7. When things are going well. something will go wrong.
_____________________________________________________________
Murphy Lives – (or he’s communicating from the grave (not sure which)) – Obscure Murphyisms
Sunday, February 26th, 2012Murphy is somewhere in cyberspace jumping up and down in glee, or rolling over in happiness from his grave, thanking me, and all of you, for perpetuating his memory. “Don’t worry, Murph, we’ll never forget you.” (eGrumps)
Theses were not actually penned, by Murph, but written by his legion of fans expanding upon his basic principle, whatever that was.
a comment from eGrumps — “Whatever was, was – whatever is, is — and that’s that.”
1. Virtue is its own punishment.
2. It’s not, love that lasts forever, it’s plastic.
3. The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do.
4. When all else fails, read the instructions.
5. Science is true. don’t be misled by facts.
6. If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
7. If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
(Scroll on down for more – Murph would appreciate it, and besides no ads to distract from the genius of Murphy and detract from the poverty of eGrumps.)
________________________________________________
Murphy’s Rare Comments – Saved from the Dustbin of History – for Posterity
Thursday, February 23rd, 2012Sometimes I, eGrumps, feel a higher calling. Someone is telling me not to let Murphy’s rare comments (and comments by those commenting upon Murphy’s comments) die. It’s a tough and dirty job, but I feel I have to do it. “eGrumps, if you’d take a shower before you posted these comments, you’d find it isn’t so dirty. Tough maybe since you can’t type worth a damn, but not dirty.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Your intelligence, my love, leaves a little bit to be desired. Actually, a lot to be desired, Honey Bunch, you are a certified idiot. Leave me to my true mission in life. Bug off.” (eGrumps).
1. There is no time like the present for postponing what you don’t want to do.
2. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since no one listens.
3. Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
4. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing. (I’ll drink to that!)
5. The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people at the meeting.
6. Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
7. The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them to the impossible.
Murphy – rest well, you may be gone, but not forgotten. No greater honor can be bestowed upon you than to have eGrumps save your obscure comments, not to mention saving comments by those who have commented upon your comments.
If you have nothing better to do, go to www.egrumps.com and see my very feasible plan to reduce the unemployment rate to zero. It’s a plan worthy of Murphy.
If you still have nothing better to do, scroll down and read other one-line comments. You will not be tested on them in the morning, or the evening, whatever time it is when you are reading this.
_______________________________________________________________
One Liners for The Ages – Murphy’s Minor Comments
Thursday, February 16th, 2012These are One Liners for the Ages. In short, they are ageless, actually they are so old they’re stale. It is my mission on the Internet to promulgate their publication so they will get a new lease on life. A new beginning, so to speak, so that the world will long remember them, or me, or maybe them and me (but not remember Mrs. eGrumps – she is remarkably non-rememberable. “eGrumps – you are a certified idiot” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Sweaty dear, honey bunch – I am not certified – and give me my allowance or I’ll tell the truth about you, you miserable bitch.” (eGrumps)
1. The longer the title, the less important the job.
2.When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
3. The idea is to die young as late as possible.
4. All things considered – life is 9 to 5 against.
5. “I can’t give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.” (My philosophy teacher – that idiot – what did he know)
6. My job is only marginally better than daytime TV.
7. My law of drinking – you can’t fall off the floor. Or from an old English buddy – he is not drunk who can get off the floor and ask for more.
8. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
(Tell your friends to check this website out – it is a guaranteed way to lose friends.)
Best to all eGrumps
Scroll down if you want to waste more time
__________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
One Liners – Pearls of Wisdom that were stolen from a Sick Oyster. (These would be included in the Murphy’s Laws Collection, except Murphy is dead.)
Saturday, October 22nd, 20111. “If it takes more than one sentence to state a pearl of wisdom, it is not a pearl of wisdom” (eGrumps)
2. Etiquette: The art of doing the wrong thing the right way.
3. A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient. (This is not in the annals of the American Medical Association, but it should be)
4. Only an old timer can remember when dancing was done with the feet. That is, if he can remember anything.
5. Criticism of eGrumps wouldn’t be so hard to take, except for the fact it is usually correct.
6. A comic is a man who originates old jokes. (That really hurts my ego, eGrumps)
7. IT IS NOT CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN.
__________________________________________________
Murphy’s Laws – Rare, Obscure, Hidden – until now
Thursday, October 20th, 2011Stolen by eGrumps (that’s me) from the hidden trove of Murphy’s Laws for Living:
1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant. The population, however, continues to grow.
4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.
5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.
6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
7. No matter where you go, there you are!
______________________________________________________
Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and
the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet
Pithy Comments – Old and New
Thursday, September 22nd, 2011Pithyville – Welcome – more pithy comments for all of you. Hang loose, because that’s the best way to hang. As my cow-rustler grandfather said before he was marched to the gallows — “Nobody ever did any constructive thinking with a noose around his neck.” Neckties should be banned–they do not contribute to constructive thinking. or any other kind of thinking, except how do I prevent them from getting stained when I drink soup.
1. “There can’t be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” (Henry Kissinger)
2. A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
3. To lose is to learn. (Spoken by losers the world over. No winner ever said that)
4. The dice have no memory. (Neither do politicans.)
5. The girl who is easy to get may be hard to take.
6. “I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” (Fred Allen)
7. It’s easy to tell who your friends are. They’re the ones that stab you in the front.
_______________________________________________________
Pithy Comments – Extreme
Tuesday, September 20th, 2011More Pithy Comments from your devoted leader, eGrumps:
SCIENCE IS TRUE. DON’T BE MISLED BY FACTS. (LOVE IT – IT IS THE STORY OF MY CAREER AS A RESEARCH SCIENTIST (EMERITUS)).
1. Hell is the place where everything tests perfectly, and nothing works.
2. There are no answers, only cross-references.
3. Computers are useless, all they give you is answers.
4. In mathematics, you don’t understand things, only get used to them.
5. Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
_________________________________________________
Obama to the Israelis – One Line (actually more than one-line) Comedy
Saturday, May 28th, 2011The following One-Line “jokes” have no historical significance whatsoever – YET!!!
As ourPresident might have said:
Bibi, old buddy – if Israel will go back to its 1967 borders, America will give it, royalty-free, its plans for the fence separating the USA from Mexico. The Director of Homeland Security has told me it has been very effective in keeping out the illegals, and I know she wouldn’t lie to me. If it has worked for us, it will work for you in the same manner – it’s a win, win situation for Israel, the US and the Palestinians. Actually, it is a no lose proposition – for two out of three, and those are pretty good odds.
Bibi, I haven’t mentioned before, out alligator farms. We are breeding the biggest, meanest alligators ever seen, and they are all yours, free of charge. All you have to do is build a moat next to the foolproof fence (see above) and put the alligators in. My Secretary of Defense (and alligators are a defensive weapons system) has assured me they are cost effective, especially since they have a tendency to breed rather rapidly. I know he wouldn’t lie to me. We are trying to solve the problem of determining the females and the males, but once that has been mastered, it’s all to your benefit. Unfortunately we lost three alligator sex determiners last week, and recruits are now not volunteering the way they did in the past, but that can be solved. We’re working on a solution. One of my aides suggested that would be a relatively easy way to reduce the number of Republican candidates who want to run against me, but there are some problems with that approach. Trust me – we’ll solve it.
Bibi, I can’t think of a better way to solve the “right of return” problem than by having them cross the moat, climb the fence, cut through the barbed wire, and cross the mine field before they qualify as lawful immigrants to Israel. You can even copy our amnesty program, as soon as we work out a solution, which we anticipate should be around 2024.
Bibi, our countries must cooperate in this endeavor, and we have taken a first step by showing you the way to lead the Iraelis out of bondage. If Moses could do it, so can you. Trust us.
Finally, Bibi, old friend, America is willing to give you the services of a prominent member of our Jewish community to help you. I know Lady GaGa would not refuse. Please give her a call. Put the charge on the White House telephone bill. – we get a discounted rate.
(It is very hard to make fun of this very serious situation, but I’d rather take this approach, then to even suggest that the Israelis go back to the 1967 border – That’s about as unfunny as it can get. As your countrymen,, Mr. Prime Minister, have said “Never Again,” and I’m with you, sarcasm or not)
More One Line Jokes – Pearls of Wisdom — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — (from eGrumps)
Friday, December 10th, 2010Welcome to all my anonymous friends all over the world. The fact that so many of you keep coming back is testimony either to (1) an appreciation of good humor from your friendly host, eGrumps, or (2) your unbridled optimism that things will get better, because they couldn’t get any worse or (3) there is hope for all of us, no matter how bad eGrumps plagiarized sense of humor is. If you’d like to tell your friends about this site, be my guest – all you have to lose is their friendship.
If you would like to contact me, I can be reached at egrumps@egrumps.com, and I will give your email all the attention it deserves.
Onward and upward with today’s Pithy Comments:
Inevitable Slogans and Sayings
1. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
2. My rules apply to other people, not to myself.
3. Whatever it is – I didn’t do it.
4. Avoid reality at all costs.
5. Believe in Darwin, cancer cures smoking.
6. Never trust a nun with a gun.
7. I should have known better, every happy moment in my life came from lying.
8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry – you’ll get over it.
9. Smile – tomorrow will be worse. (Believe me about that, eGrumps)
Finally – as my friends have told me (both of them) – eGrumps, you haven’t lost your mind, it’s backed up on a disk somewhere.
___________________________________________________________________
Famous, and Not-so-Famous, One Liners. Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments from eGrumps.
Monday, November 29th, 2010I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
A good duct tape job will fix almost anything.
“Ambulance problems:
1. Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but temporary, deafness
2. Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but temporary, blindness.
Theses rules do not apply in California where motorists are apparently oblivious to any traffic laws.”
“The game of catch has never been so much fun.” The inventor of the hand grenade.
Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they will not go to yours.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
If you think there is good in everybody, you obviously haven’t met me.
“The statement below is true.”
“The statement above is false.”
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
__________________________________________________________
Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Part Two – to be continued eventually – maybe tomorrow) Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – July 3, 2010.
Saturday, July 3rd, 2010I visit http://pithycomment.com, therefore I am. (You probably will not believe that is one of Murphy’s laws. You’re probably wrong. If eGrumps was known to Murphy, it would have been Murphy’s first law. I believe I am at a logical impasse here. )
A man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
In specifications, Murphy’s Law supersedes Ohm’s.
Never say “oop’s” in the Operating Room. (This was actually Dr. Murphy’s Law).
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. (Murphy was never very good at grammar – The sentence ends in a proposition, oop’s, that should be “preposition.” That shows you where my mind is.)
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!
_______________________________________________
Laws that are Eternal (and Unnatural) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – (from eGrumps) – June 5, 2010
Saturday, June 5th, 2010Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
Every person has a scheme that will not work.
The other line moves faster.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
When the lights are out all women are beautiful, or
When the lights are out, all men are handsome.
“eGrumps, you are never handsome, even with the lights out.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
“What I have to endure Just to publish these comments for the edification of humankind, that excludes Mrs. eGrumps, who last time I looked with the lights on, was not a member of humankind. I couldn’t even start to speculate as to what”kind” she is or what tribe(s) threw her out. I think she must have been scaring the children.” (eGrumps)
_____________________________________________
Nurses One-Liners, Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — (from eGrumps) — April 17, 2010
Saturday, April 17th, 2010When I was in the hospital I had a day nurse and a night nurse. In the afternoon I rested. “EGrumps, you are full of it. You’re really bad. I can’t get the Nurse’s Agency to send you any more nurses. I was told that your performance is so bad, you would flunk Sex 1, actually they said you’d probably already flunked the introductory course. You’re giving manhood a bad name.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
A practical nurse is one who marries a rich patient.
I once had a very good nurse. When she took my blood pressure, she deducted 20 points for cleavage.
Nurse to eGrumps in hospital: “I can only please one patient per day. Today isn’t your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.”
Top Reasons to Become a Nurse (from www.nursingfun.com – thanks)
Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren’t as good.
Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
Needles: “Tis better to give than receive”
Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops…eventually.
Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.
Interesting aromas.
Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
Celebrate all the holidays with your friends at work.
Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
EGrumps to all the nurses that have taken care of me in sickness and health. When I was in good health, the transformation to sickness was almost painless, and I survived – so far. When I was in poor health, I survived – so far. So who needed you? Thanks anyhow, Ladies.
__________________________________________________________
Last Words, Famous — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comment (from eGrumps) — April 7, 2010.
Wednesday, April 7th, 2010Thanks to all of you who recommended Pithy Comments to your friends. My ranking in the Google count-a-meter went up from a web site traffic ranking of 3,846,201 to*********. Sorry, I don’t want to tell you how successful your efforts have been because I don’t want you to slack off. Believe me – it has been a BIG improvement, very big. Please keep referring my site to your friends. I don’t think you will lose their friendship, but if you do, they weren’t very good friends in the first place. Actually, in thinking about that, maybe your friends were smarter than you thought. Nah – can’t be.
Throughout history, there have been a number of famous last words. They probably weren’t intended as being last words, but…. Here are a few:
1. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it.
2. The odds of that happening have got to be a million to one.
3. Pull the pin and count to what.
4. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
5. Gee, that’s a cute tatoo.
6. Don’t be so superstitious.
7. That’s odd.
8. I guarantee you’ll like going to
http://pithycomment.com
________________________________________________
Census Problems (Still) – from eGrumps – March 22, 2010
Monday, March 22nd, 2010Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. Census Director:
On March 18, 2010 (If you have lost my earlier letter, please scroll down) I posted about a problem with your letter (of March 2010) demanding that I sign and send in my census form immediately, despite the fact the form relates to events occurring on April 1, 2010. I expected some clarification, but alas, you have not had the common courtesy to respond.
My comment about you being qualified as Director of Obamacare seems to have been quite accurate.
Now, however, the problem has been compounded. The Dept. of Census has put out TV commercials (not too entertaining, I must say) telling me to send in my census form right away. Same problem – it was March 21 that the commercials appeared, and the info requested is for April 1. I am still not able to predict the future with any degree of accuracy. I could guess, but that would probably be illegal, and I am too old to go to jail.
Please – IMMEDIATELY tell me what to do. This situation is quite stressful, as you can imagine. You could be liable under tort law for the deliberate infliction of mental suffering. I may sue.
eGrumps
P.S. I suggest you not pay for the commercials, or if you have paid, get your money back – with interest. As a taxpayer, your conduct really tees me off .
P.P.S. Is there no end to your incompetence? One would think you work for the government. Oops – you do work for the government. Maybe that explains it, but certainly doesn’t excuse your conduct in this matter. It is very serious to advise fellow American citizens (and aliens as well) to break the law. Actually, if aliens break the law, perhaps you can immediately deport them. Ask A. G. Holder – he’d probably agree unless they are working for ACORN in voter registration drives, in which case A. G. Holder might leave them here until after the 2010 elections.
___________________________________________________________
Murphy (ver. 8) Alive and Well (or maybe dead and not-so-well) Obscure Comments Made by and to the Master
Sunday, May 13th, 2012It’s time to take a serious look at what Murphy, and his disciples, have brought forth. The future may be bleak, but old Murphy is a hot-bed of optimism.
1. In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for storage. (If you run out of storage space, there are two alternatives – throw out the junk or move – Mrs eGrumps and I are having a discussion about that right now. She’s for moving in the foolish hope that I will throw out the junk that I have worked so hard to accumulate. There is of course a third alternative – throw out Mrs. eGrumps and use the space she is wasting to accumulate more vital junk.)
2. Speak softly and own a big mean doberman. (pit bulls will also work)
3. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until I solve it.
4. Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood.
5. Nothing is ever accomplished by a reaonable man.
6. A little humility is arrogance.
7. HISTORY PROVES NOTHING.
8. It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
________________________________________________________________
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Laughter, Nonsense, Wit | No Comments »