Pithy Comments

One-Line Pearls of Wisdom

I have gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.

eGrumps spent the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half.

My basic philosophy: Death to all fanatics!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it is the scenic route.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

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“The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.” (Eric Hoffer)

We all treasure life. In fact, most of us carry it with us to our deathbed.

Will I ever attain happiness in this life? If Lady Ga Ga responds favorably to my letter, I might.

Life: I am confused, therefore I am.

Life isn’t all beer and pretzels. In fact, its been years since I touched a pretzel.

In the pursuit of happiness, always put off today what can be done tomorrow.

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‘The girls are wearing less and less on the beach, which is OK for me. My memory is starting to go.” (Bob Hope)

One of my favorite things is to take a nap, especially when I am at the opera.

I have three favorite things. My memory, and I forgot the other two.

I think the judge was slightly biased. Remember, he said, this man is innocent until proven guilty.

The most precious thing we have is life, and it has absolutely no trade in value.

The computer is a poor substitute for intelligence, but then aren’t we all.

My dog has a special beeper. He knows which dogs are in heat over a ten county area.

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eGrumps religious thought: Making love is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

Virginity can be cured.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night.  On Sunday pray for crop failure.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The game of love is never called off because of darkness.

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“Chaos, Panic and Disorder — My work here is done.” eGrumps

Are those your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose!

I want revenge. Is that so wrong?

And just how may I screw you over today?

A man’s best friends is his dog. That’s assuming you want a friend.

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Did you realize that today is 2/10/2010. That must mean something!!!!

A few one-liners about preserving a happy marriage:

1.  If your marriage is truly in jeopardy, stay in touch by phone.

2. Treat your partner with respect. Never hit him/her in front of relatives.

3. Always speak to your spouse in soothing, patronizing tones.

4. Countless conflicts can be avoided by walking out on your spouse for years at a time.

5. One common myth is that hitting is no way to solve a marital dispute, but studies show this is not always the case.

6. My wife told me I should be more affectionate — so I got a girlfriend.

7. When a man opens a car door for his wife, you can be sure of one of two things – either the car is new or the wife is.

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“You appeal to a small, select group of confused people.” (Mrs. eGrumps talking about me) “What does she know?” (eGrumps) “eGrumps. you’re still an idiot.” (Mrs. eGrumps) ”Right, I married you, didn’t I?” (eGrumps)

Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom.

Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

“In America, anyone can become President. That’s the risk you take.” (Adlai Stevenson)

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

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eGrumps problem, in a generalized sort of way: “Every man has a scheme that will not work. Some have many schemes that will not work.” (“They can’t be talking about me, can they!” (eGrumps))

Any system which depends upon human reliability is unreliable.

You can’t win, you can’t break even. You can’t even quit the game.

The Universal Law of Warranties — If it can break it will, but only after the warranty expires.

Complex problems have easy to understand wrong answers.

On the TV screen, pure drivel tends to drive off ordinary drivel.

If things were left to chance, they’d be better.

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It’s the last day of January, which must mean something somewhere. The best pithy comment of the day:

Time flies when you’re having fun. (“If you’re not having fun, it is probably your fault, so don’t blame anyone else. Hang loose – it’s the cool thing to do. ” eGrumps)

“Virus” – a Latin word used by doctors to mean your guess is as good as mine.

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than loved and married,” (“eGrumps – you’re still an idiot, so knock it off or I’ll sure for divorce and take all of your measly earthly possessions” ( Mrs. eGrumps.))  (“Sweetheart, as Clint Eastwood always says – ‘Go ahead, make my day’ and he’s never met you.” (eGrumps))

There’ll never be an end to the war between the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

I’m not saying he’s stupid, but if he had a pet zebra, he’d call him Spot.

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eGrumps thinking about himself: “It’s  lonely at the top.”

I don’t see why religion and science can’t cooperate. What’s wrong with using a computer to count our blessings.

“Virtue has never been as respectable as money.” (Mark Twain)

Confidence is not trying the door knob after you’ve locked the door.

Jilted lovers conversation with a taxi-cab driver:
“Where to Buddy?”
“Drive off a cliff, I’m committing suicide.”

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“The gods too are fond of a joke.”  (Aristotle)

There is nothing wrong with eGrumps that reincarnation will not cure.

Remember that a kick in the ass is a step forward.

“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.” (Timothy Leary)

The trouble with loving is that pets don’t last long enough and people last too long.

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

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eGrumps can talk to one woman, look at a second woman — and think of a third. (“It’s a real talent” eGrumps)

“I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck” (Mr. Grafitto)

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.

“I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.” (Chancey Depew)

The wages of sin are unreported.

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eGrumps favorite of the day: ” The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population, however, is increasing.

A maxim for everyone, but eGrumps doesn’t believe it can be done:  ”The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.”

When all else fails, read the instructions.

It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

An increase in new laws creates an increase in new loopholes.

If a jury in a criminal case stays out for more than 24 hours, it is certain to vote “not guilty,” except in those instances where it votes “guilty.”

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A Great Philosophy of Life: “You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.” (Michael Pritchard) “Frankly I couldn’t have said it better myself.” (eGrumps) “eGrumps, you’re still an idiot.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Damn but that woman annoys me.”(eGrumps)

When confronted with two evils, man will choose the prettier.

“Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.” (Lewis Grizzard)

Until I got married, I was my own worst enemy.

“Formula for success – Rise early – work hard – strike oil” (Allegedly from J. Paul Getty)

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Unnatural(?) Laws:

1. The other line moves faster.

2. Every man has a scheme that will not work.

3. If anything can go wrong, it will. (Murphy’s Law)
Murphy was an optimist. (O’Tooles Commentary on Murphy’s Law)

4. If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

5. When in doubt, mumble.

6. An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

7. Inside of every large problem is a small problem waiting to get out.

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In this day and age we must all be ecologically careful. EGrumps idea for saving water:  Dilute it.

EGrumps was put on earth to disprove the notion that everything was put on earth for a purpose.

Are you against inflation? Three hundred percent.

Thank you for giving me the benefit of your inexperience.

I have a two way radio. It either works or it doesn’t.

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