Pithy Comments

eGrumps can talk to one woman, look at a second woman — and think of a third. (“It’s a real talent” eGrumps)

“I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck” (Mr. Grafitto)

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.

“I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.” (Chancey Depew)

The wages of sin are unreported.

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eGrumps favorite of the day: ” The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population, however, is increasing.

A maxim for everyone, but eGrumps doesn’t believe it can be done:  ”The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.”

When all else fails, read the instructions.

It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

An increase in new laws creates an increase in new loopholes.

If a jury in a criminal case stays out for more than 24 hours, it is certain to vote “not guilty,” except in those instances where it votes “guilty.”

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A Great Philosophy of Life: “You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.” (Michael Pritchard) “Frankly I couldn’t have said it better myself.” (eGrumps) “eGrumps, you’re still an idiot.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Damn but that woman annoys me.”(eGrumps)

When confronted with two evils, man will choose the prettier.

“Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.” (Lewis Grizzard)

Until I got married, I was my own worst enemy.

“Formula for success – Rise early – work hard – strike oil” (Allegedly from J. Paul Getty)

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Unnatural(?) Laws:

1. The other line moves faster.

2. Every man has a scheme that will not work.

3. If anything can go wrong, it will. (Murphy’s Law)
Murphy was an optimist. (O’Tooles Commentary on Murphy’s Law)

4. If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

5. When in doubt, mumble.

6. An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

7. Inside of every large problem is a small problem waiting to get out.

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In this day and age we must all be ecologically careful. EGrumps idea for saving water:  Dilute it.

EGrumps was put on earth to disprove the notion that everything was put on earth for a purpose.

Are you against inflation? Three hundred percent.

Thank you for giving me the benefit of your inexperience.

I have a two way radio. It either works or it doesn’t.

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eGrumps quote of the day: “I don’t drink to be sociable. I drink to get drunk.”

Breeding isn’t everything. True, but it is certainly a lot of fun.

The best thing about a hobby is that it gives you something to do while worrying.

Food is an essential part of any balanced diet.

Good fishing is only a matter of timing. You have to get there yesterday.

Money can’t buy happiness. That’s why we have credit cards.

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eGrumps comment: In the computer age, it is disturbing to think a machine has your number.

Nobody’s life is a totally open book.

If you can’t say anything really bad about a person, don’t say anything at all.

“I get my exercise running to the funerals of my friends who exercised.” (Barry Gray)

What is a home without children? Paid for.

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eGrumps comments on others: “A radical is anyone whose comments differ radically from mine.”

Mrs eGrumps has told me she just turned thirty. It was a U-turn.

My neighbors are keeping me broke. They are always buying things I cannot afford.

A minor operation is one performed on someone else.

“I want to die young at a ripe old age.” (Ashley Montagu)

A psychiatrist’s couch is where you land when you go off your rocker.

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If Eve had been around today, she would have looked for a smaller leaf. (“Ain’t that the truth” eGrumps)

Now I don’t know what will happen to me. My fortune cookie contradicted my horoscope.

Every family tree produces a few nuts, (“They must of been thinking of you, eGrumps.”  Mrs. eGrumps)

Much drinking, little thinking.

A practical nurse is one who marries a rich patient.

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eGrumps has decided on his New Year’s Resolution: From the beginning of February, I’m resolving not to procrastinate.

Most New Years resolutions go in one year and out the other.

Best New Year’s Resolution:  Start giving up giving up.

Mrs. eGrumps was really furious with me – I came home late from a New Year’s Eve party – in July. (Only kidding, but you knew that)

The best way to keep a New Year’s resolution is to keep it to yourself.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! Thanks for coming to my site. Most of you are repeat visitors. The rest of you have good taste. (eGrumps)

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Special Maxims of the Internet:

1. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

2. Oh, what a tangled website we weave.

3. You can’t teach an old mouse new clicks.

4. Home is where you hang your @.

5. Too man clicks spoil the browse.

6. Fax is stranger than fiction.

7. What boots up must come down.

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eGrumps wishes everyone a happy Xmas Eve and hopes that everyone gets more gifts from “Santa” as he will get (If you get one gift, it’s more than he will get. Quite sad, but optimism was never his strong suit). But facts are facts. There was an old song that went “Use your mentality, wake up to reality.” He did – He will receive no (zero, nada, zilch) gifts.

On to the one liners:

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.

Rehab is for quitters.

The optimist sees the donut, the pessimist sees the hole.

Never forget the famous poem:

No matter what your aim in life.
No matter what your goal.
Keep your eye upon the donut.
And not upon the hole.

The only thing better than a good education is a parking spot at the mall.

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eGrumps thought for the coming holidays: “Everybody should believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.”

If we are what we eat, I’m easy, fast and cheap.

I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

“Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.” (Captain Kirk)

All you problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate all problems, all you have to do is find them and kill them.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Jack Kervorkian for White House Physician

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eGrumps dedicates today’s Pithy Comments to: Smith & Wesson, the original point and click interface.

BORN FREE — TAXED TO DEATH.

Death to all fanatics!!!!!

Here is a test to determine if your mission on earth is finished — If you are still alive, it isn’t.

eGrumps always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

I’m willing to admit that I am not always right, but then I am never wrong.

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eGrumps warning to his “friends:”  That which does not kill me ….makes me meaner ” (“Is that possible?” Mrs. eGrumps)

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Earth First! We’ll strip mine other planets later.

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense. (“Neither does a fire plug. Ask Tiger Woods’  Cadillac”)

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

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