Bug? That’s not a bug, it’s a feature.

Any program that runs right is obsolete.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Home is where the computer is plugged in (or has access to  Wi-Fi).

You had mail, but the computer deleted it as being boring.

Warning Keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.

To be or not to be, those are the parameters.

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“If I only get one thing for Christmas, I hope it is your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the things you have given me. Like the need for therapy.”

“I must admit you brought religion into my life.l I never believed in Hell before.”

“Congratulations on your new baby. Did you ever find out who the father was?”

“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad.” (available only in Arkansas.)

“Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”

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and eGrumps favorite:

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday – so we are having you put to sleep.”

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Kafka’s Law: In the fight between you and the world, back the world

Dentist’s Law: Toothaches always start on a Saturday night.

Surgeon’s Law: Never say “OOPs” in the Operating Room.

Losing Gambler’s Law: Certainly the game is rigged against me. I don’t let that stop me. If I don’t bet, I can’t win.

Cat Owner’s Law: Never try to outstubborn a cat.

eGrump’s Second Law: Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again. (This is really important)

General Law of Humanity: The alternative to getting old is depressing.

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‘It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked.” (Mae West)

“The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts”(Paul Ehrlich)

“I always have a quotation for everything. It saves original thinking.” (Dorothy L. Sayers) “I agree.” (eGrumps)

“What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing, he knew no one had said it before.” (Mark Twain) “Is he accusing me of stealing other peoples quotations?” (eGrumps)

“No praying. It spoils business.” (Thomas Otway)

“I left England when I was four when I found out I could never be king.” (Bob Hope)

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He called a lawyer he knew, who was fluent in signing, and asked the lawyer to sign the accountant to ask “What happened to the missing money?”

After an exchange of signs with the Accountant, he told the Mafia Don that he said he didn’t know what you were talking about.

So – the Mafia Don pulled out a pistol and pointed it the accountant’s head, and told the lawyer to ask him again. Which he did.

The Accountant signed  back to the lawyer – “OK – the money is in a tan briefcase buried on the right side at the rear of my garage under a rose bush.”

Don to the lawyer;  “What’d he say?”

The lawyer said that the Accountant had signed back that “He didn’t think you had the guts to pull the trigger.”

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I have gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.

eGrumps spent the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half.

My basic philosophy: Death to all fanatics!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it is the scenic route.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

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We all treasure life. In fact, most of us carry it with us to our deathbed.

Will I ever attain happiness in this life? If Lady Ga Ga responds favorably to my letter, I might.

Life: I am confused, therefore I am.

Life isn’t all beer and pretzels. In fact, its been years since I touched a pretzel.

In the pursuit of happiness, always put off today what can be done tomorrow.

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One of my favorite things is to take a nap, especially when I am at the opera.

I have three favorite things. My memory, and I forgot the other two.

I think the judge was slightly biased. Remember, he said, this man is innocent until proven guilty.

The most precious thing we have is life, and it has absolutely no trade in value.

The computer is a poor substitute for intelligence, but then aren’t we all.

My dog has a special beeper. He knows which dogs are in heat over a ten county area.

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Life insurance is the only game you win when you die.

Why is sex like insurance?
The older you get, the more it costs.

People who live in glass houses should take out insurance.

Accidents will happen, unless you have accident insurance.

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A man in the house is worth two in the street.

Virginity can be cured.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night.  On Sunday pray for crop failure.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The game of love is never called off because of darkness.

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