1. Definition of a minor operation: “One that is performed on someone else.”

2. Be nice to your friends. If it wasn’t for them you’d be a total stranger.

3. She’s got a million dollar figure. The trouble is it is all in loose change.

4. If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.

5. Money can’t buy happiness. That’s why we have credit cards.

6. A boss is someone who is late when you are early, and early when you are late.

7. Advertisement: For Sale – twin beds with a worn carpet.

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That’s it for today. Why not scroll down for further pearls of wisdom and waste more of your valuable time? eGrumps

1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.

3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.

4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.

6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.

Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.

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Remember my motto:  Candy is dandy, but sex won’t rot the teeth. I tried that line on a girl friend, and she went out and bought a box of chocolates – she is one sick person. How was I to know that she already had false teeth?

Amyhow – here’s today pithy comments for your education.

1. I  use a computer, therefore I am.

2. The art of diplomacy is to say nothing, especially when you are speaking.

3. It is never to late to have a happy childhood.

4. There’s a new dial-a-prayer for atheists. You dial a number and no one answers.

5. Skirts are getting shorter and shorter. No one knows what they’ll be up to next.

6. I told my secretary I wanted some old-fashioned loving, so she introduced me to her grandmother. Actually, she was kind of cute in a mature sort of way.

7. I missed my nap today — I slept right through it.

SCROLL ON DOWN – see earlier pithy comments. It is a complete waste of time, but you’ve proved you don’t give a damn about how you spend your time by reading this far.

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1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant.  The population, however, continues to grow.

4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.

5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.

6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

7. No matter where you go, there you are!

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Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and

the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet

1. The doctor told me I had to lose 10 pounds.

2. Over the next five years I would have gained 10 pounds.

3. If I keep my same eating habits and my weight steady, I will not gain 10 pounds over the next five years.

4. Therefore – I will have lost the ten pounds I did not gain.

It’s very simple – the government does it all the time. If it doesn’t increase spending, it will have lost the amount of the spending increase because it did not increase spending. ERGO – the government has reduced spending by not increasing spending.

If it works for them it’ll work for you – but perhaps you should not tell your doctor that you are following the eGrumps plan and how you intend to lose the 10 pounds.

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SCIENCE IS TRUE. DON’T BE MISLED BY FACTS. (LOVE IT – IT IS THE STORY OF MY CAREER AS A RESEARCH SCIENTIST (EMERITUS)).

1.  Hell is the place where everything tests perfectly, and nothing works.

2. There are no answers, only cross-references.

3. Computers are useless, all they give you is answers.

4. In mathematics, you don’t understand  things, only get used to them.

5. Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.

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1. “Stay with me. I want to be alone.” (Joey Adams)

2. “I want to die young at a ripe old age.” (Ashley Montague)

3.”People have one thing in common. They are all different.” (Robert Zend)

4. “Only when a woman is openly bad is she really good.” (Publilius Styrus – 1st Century B.C.) (This one, for some reason is quite popular.)

5. “Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” (John Updyke)
(Try this with your girlfriend or boyfriend – It couldn’t hurt the seduction process – I think)

6.”Housework – If it is done right, it can kill you.” (John Skow)

7. “There is nothing so permanent as a temporary job in Washington.” (George Allen)

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I am confused, therefore I am.

I was put on earth to show that not everything has a purpose.

Laziness is nothing more than resting before you get tired.

America has the highest standard of living in the world. It’s just a pity we can’t afford it.

If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the pavement.

CHECK OUT WWW.EGRUMPS.COM – Very funny, if I do say so myself, but then I wrote it.

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1. Health food makes me sick.

2. “Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to.” (Mark Twain)

3. To improve your memory, lend people money.

4. He took his misfortune like a man, he blamed it on his wife..

5. Money talks. It says “good-bye.”

6. If it is illegal to send obscenity through the mail, how come my utility bills get through.

7. Even a paranoid can have enemies.

8. Give a criminal enough rope, and he’ll tie up a cashier.

Scroll on down for the really good stuff.

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