Archive for the ‘Laughter’ Category
One Line Jokes – Eternal Humor
Friday, January 6th, 2012Murphy’s Pithy Comments – One Liners to Live By
Sunday, November 20th, 2011Welcome to Pithy Comments – Murphy’s One Liners that have stood the test of time – even if Murphy proved mortal and did not stand the test of time. These are comments that were made in response to the legend that was Murphy and his law.
1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.
Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.
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Pithy Comments that are really pithy. Well worth your time!!!
Saturday, November 12th, 2011So you want to spend your valuable time reading valueless pithy comments. RIGHT ON! The Computer God(s) will be proud of you, because your priorities are correct. You bring honor to yourself. You will be rewarded – someday.
Remember my motto: Candy is dandy, but sex won’t rot the teeth. I tried that line on a girl friend, and she went out and bought a box of chocolates – she is one sick person. How was I to know that she already had false teeth?
Amyhow – here’s today pithy comments for your education.
1. I use a computer, therefore I am.
2. The art of diplomacy is to say nothing, especially when you are speaking.
3. It is never to late to have a happy childhood.
4. There’s a new dial-a-prayer for atheists. You dial a number and no one answers.
5. Skirts are getting shorter and shorter. No one knows what they’ll be up to next.
6. I told my secretary I wanted some old-fashioned loving, so she introduced me to her grandmother. Actually, she was kind of cute in a mature sort of way.
7. I missed my nap today — I slept right through it.
SCROLL ON DOWN – see earlier pithy comments. It is a complete waste of time, but you’ve proved you don’t give a damn about how you spend your time by reading this far.
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Murphy’s Laws – Rare, Obscure, Hidden – until now
Thursday, October 20th, 2011Stolen by eGrumps (that’s me) from the hidden trove of Murphy’s Laws for Living:
1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant. The population, however, continues to grow.
4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.
5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.
6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
7. No matter where you go, there you are!
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Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and
the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet
Pithy Comment – The eGrumps Guaranteed (absolutely) Weight Loss Plan – modeled after government deficit reduction plan.
Monday, September 26th, 2011The eGrumps diet plan modeled after the government’s-reduce-the-spending plans. It will work – I guarantee it. For example:
1. The doctor told me I had to lose 10 pounds.
2. Over the next five years I would have gained 10 pounds.
3. If I keep my same eating habits and my weight steady, I will not gain 10 pounds over the next five years.
4. Therefore – I will have lost the ten pounds I did not gain.
It’s very simple – the government does it all the time. If it doesn’t increase spending, it will have lost the amount of the spending increase because it did not increase spending. ERGO – the government has reduced spending by not increasing spending.
If it works for them it’ll work for you – but perhaps you should not tell your doctor that you are following the eGrumps plan and how you intend to lose the 10 pounds.
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Pithy Comments – Extreme
Tuesday, September 20th, 2011More Pithy Comments from your devoted leader, eGrumps:
SCIENCE IS TRUE. DON’T BE MISLED BY FACTS. (LOVE IT – IT IS THE STORY OF MY CAREER AS A RESEARCH SCIENTIST (EMERITUS)).
1. Hell is the place where everything tests perfectly, and nothing works.
2. There are no answers, only cross-references.
3. Computers are useless, all they give you is answers.
4. In mathematics, you don’t understand things, only get used to them.
5. Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
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One Line Jokes —- Pithy Comments which are Contradictory Statements
Friday, September 9th, 2011The following inherently contradictory statements are called Oxymorons. Read them and you’ll see why. They still qualify as Pithy Comments, or one liners, For example:
1. “Stay with me. I want to be alone.” (Joey Adams)
2. “I want to die young at a ripe old age.” (Ashley Montague)
3.”People have one thing in common. They are all different.” (Robert Zend)
4. “Only when a woman is openly bad is she really good.” (Publilius Styrus – 1st Century B.C.) (This one, for some reason is quite popular.)
5. “Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” (John Updyke)
(Try this with your girlfriend or boyfriend – It couldn’t hurt the seduction process – I think)
6.”Housework – If it is done right, it can kill you.” (John Skow)
7. “There is nothing so permanent as a temporary job in Washington.” (George Allen)
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One Line Jokes for Posterity
Saturday, August 27th, 2011Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
I am confused, therefore I am.
I was put on earth to show that not everything has a purpose.
Laziness is nothing more than resting before you get tired.
America has the highest standard of living in the world. It’s just a pity we can’t afford it.
If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the pavement.
CHECK OUT WWW.EGRUMPS.COM – Very funny, if I do say so myself, but then I wrote it.
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One-Line (or more) Pithy Comments
Friday, July 1st, 2011A very early Happy 4th of July to each of you. Many of you do not reside in the U.S., and for those of you, please celebrate our Independence Day. As someone (not me) once said – “Party like there is no tomorrow.” Actually, If Iran gets The Bomb, there may not be a tomorrow. So – PARTY ON, but first read on for some noteworthy pithy comments that I stole:
1. Health food makes me sick.
2. “Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to.” (Mark Twain)
3. To improve your memory, lend people money.
4. He took his misfortune like a man, he blamed it on his wife..
5. Money talks. It says “good-bye.”
6. If it is illegal to send obscenity through the mail, how come my utility bills get through.
7. Even a paranoid can have enemies.
8. Give a criminal enough rope, and he’ll tie up a cashier.
Scroll on down for the really good stuff.
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Pithy Comments for The Ages (like ages 4 to 5)
Friday, June 24th, 2011From the repository of famous Pithy Comments stolen by eGrumps:
History repeats itself. That is one of the things that is wrong with history.
A complex system that works is invariably derived from a simple system that works.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Random events tend to occur in groups.
Never, ever stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.
First Law of Medical School Taught to Students: “Never say ‘I’m new at this.’”
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Scroll down for other stolen pithy comments
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Pithy Comments That Have Great Redeeming Value — but may not be redeemed for money!
Sunday, June 19th, 2011-
“I am free of all prejudices, I hate everyone equally” (W.C.Fields)
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A long bad book just makes the book twice as bad.
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Though God cannot alter the past, historians can — also politicians.
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If you put too many stamps on a letter, will it go too far?
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Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the Ark.
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I have a two way computer. It either works or it doesn’t.
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My secretary is very efficient. She hasn’t missed a coffee break in ten years.
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(Please Scroll Down) – the pithiest may be behind you)
One-Line Pithy Comments, and Other Very Valuable Tips on the Good Life (all right, they really aren’t too valuable)
Thursday, June 16th, 2011In the game of life, like in the game of craps – the dice have no memory. (I don’t really understand that, but it sounded good, whatever it means.)
To err is human, but to really foul things up, you need a computer.
When attempting to type in an outgoing server address, it is best to us “smtp,” not “stmp.” or is it the other way around?
A bureaucracy is an organization that has raised stupidity to the status of a religion.
The Rational Fallacy — Everything happens because of a reason.
Never, ever do anything you would not be caught dead doing.
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One Line Jokes and Tips for Going Wrong in Your Life, No Matter How Hard You Try Not to Go Wrong.
Saturday, June 11th, 2011My basic philosophy: There is no time like the present for putting off what you don’t want to do.
Always remember, if an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Don’t be misled in your quest by facts.
Everything is easier to take apart than to put together.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You can’t get ahead by getting even. (This is total nonsense! I can’t imagine who could have written such drivel. I can’t believe I put this here. IGNORE IT!)
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One-Line Pithy Comments – Humor for the Masses
Tuesday, June 7th, 2011Pithy Comments that May Cause You to Shake Your Head and/in Wonder….
eGrump’s (the author of these brief items of brilliance) basic philosophy: No matter where you go, there you are. (Trust me on this)
Computers are useless. All they do is give you answers.
First Rule of Politics: Truth Varies.
A rumor doesn’t gain believability until it is denied.
He who hesitates is probably right.
You can never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Pithy Comments Lives!!!
Sunday, May 29th, 2011Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Friends come and go. Enemies gather.
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
Important: (Don’t say I didn’t warn you) “Never look up when a dragon is flying over you.”
The shortest way from Point A to Point B is by GPS.
The snooze bar on the alarm clock is man’s greatest invention.
It is virtually impossible to diagnose yourself on the Internet. Doctors will perform every possible test to prove you wrong.
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One Liners (and Pithy Comments) for You! Not to be Missed (from eGrumps)
Saturday, February 4th, 2012Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Humor, Laughter, Pithy Comment | No Comments »