Archive for the ‘Laughter’ Category
Murphy (Part 7 +/-) — Alive and Well. Obscure Comments that Will outlast Old Murph.
Saturday, April 28th, 20124. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
Murphy’s Laws (No. 7) – He’s Alive and Well and Making The World a Better Place
Friday, April 20th, 2012Murphy returns – bring joy, happiness and good will to the citizens of the world, most of who have been in a severe state of depression caused by being alive in this world. Remember one of Murphy’s really obscure laws: “In a fight between you and the world, back the world.”
First – not from Murphy. but from me, eGrumps. I am distressed by the conduct of the American Secret Service agents, or at least some of them. Most of you don’t realize it, but I almost joined their previously elite ranks. I told the person doing the interview (man or woman is classified information but it was one of them) that I was interested in joining and going on foreign trips scouting for the President so I could hook up with a few hookers before he arrived and make sure that there were no plots afoot that would compromise his safety. I was turned down -”Son, we don’t do that sort of thing” I was told. They lied – it’s that simple – and I missed out on all those government paid fun things in foreign countries.
They went on to say “We don’t do any undercover work. Check the manual, you idiot.” As Murphy said: “Following the rules will not get the job done,”but I guess they never heard of that. So I went on to bigger, but not necessarily better, work. No undercover work? The hell you say. They lied!!! I may sue.
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Back to Murphy, my hero, who penned a few laws that are relevant to the Secret Service situation:
1. “Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
2. “Teamwork is essential. It is always necessary to blame someone else.”
3. “Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.”
4. “I’d rather go whoring than warring.”
5. “Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.”
6. “Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.”
There are more, but this is a family website.
Scroll on down for more great sayings by Murphy.
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Murphy’s Laws (Part 5) – He’s Alive and Well – Obscure Comments Made By And To The Master.
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012The Obscure Laws just seem to keep coming and coming. Maybe the transmission device is being powered by the Energizer Bunny. If so, it is one sick bunny. (compiled by eGrumps – under-powered, but loved, respected and delusional)
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
If it seems to good to be true, it probably is.
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Food that tastes the best always has the highest number of calories.
What men learn from history is that men don’t learn from history.
Scroll down for more truly intelligent Murphyisms.
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Murphy’s Laws — (Part 4) — He’s Alive and Well. Obscure Comments Made by and to The Master
Monday, March 12th, 2012Murphy lives! Trust me on this. Read on.
1. A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.
2. History repeats itself, that is one of the things wrong with history.
3. The sumptuousness of a company’s annual report is in inverse proportion to its profitability.
4.(eGrumps addition) The number of footnotes in a financial statement is in inverse proportion to its profitability.
5. (More of the same thought) – The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
(Are the business schools trying to tell us something here?)
6. If there is a wrong thing to say, one will say it.
7. When your opponent is down, kick him.
8. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
(Scroll down to waste more time)
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Murphy (Part 3) Alive and Well — Obscure Comments Made by and to The Master
Friday, March 9th, 2012Saved from obscurity by the writer (or compiler) or better yet (the thief who stole these comments) in homage to the great one – Murphy. eGrumps, the thief, sits in abject humility as the feet of the memory of Murphy – one man who changed the world. Can one sit at the feet of a memory? Why not? It’s the least I can do in order to pay homage. Rest well, Murph old buddy.
1. After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket is missing.
2. Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman!
3. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
4. Of two possible outcomes, only the least desireable will be discovered first.
5. Anything worth doing is worth doing for the money.
6. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
7. When things are going well. something will go wrong.
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Murphy – Alive and Well – Obscure Comments Made By and To The Master
Sunday, March 4th, 2012Once can never have too many Pithy Comments relating to our hero – Murphy.
The principal comment, which has lasted through eternity – so far: “Murphy was an Optimist.”
The following are worth remembering, especially No. 8.
1. You can never run out of things that can go wrong.
2. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
3. Love is the delusion that one woman difers from another.
4. A TRUE CLASSIC: “Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.”
5. When you are up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.
6. Food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
7. First Law of Expert Advice: Don’t ask the barber if you need a haircut.
8. The Nonreciprocal law of expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Scroll down if you have nothing better to do, and it is
hard to believe that you have anything better to do.
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Pithy Comments – One Line Jokes for Everyone That Have Lasted and Lasted and Lasted.
Thursday, March 1st, 2012These Pithy Comments have stood the results of time, Time Magazine, and the New York Times – that’s how bad they are. I tried Newsweek but they deleted my eMail – they were smarter than I thought, which doesn’t mean much in the way of measurements.
Today is tomorrow’s yesterday. So if you are longing for the good old days, you are there.
1. Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
2. It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
3. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
4. Suicide is the most severe form of self-criticism.
5. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
6. Rehab is for quitters.
7. There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother, he’s an adult.
This usually happens at about age 45.
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Murphy Lives – (or he’s communicating from the grave (not sure which)) – Obscure Murphyisms
Sunday, February 26th, 2012Murphy is somewhere in cyberspace jumping up and down in glee, or rolling over in happiness from his grave, thanking me, and all of you, for perpetuating his memory. “Don’t worry, Murph, we’ll never forget you.” (eGrumps)
Theses were not actually penned, by Murph, but written by his legion of fans expanding upon his basic principle, whatever that was.
a comment from eGrumps — “Whatever was, was – whatever is, is — and that’s that.”
1. Virtue is its own punishment.
2. It’s not, love that lasts forever, it’s plastic.
3. The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do.
4. When all else fails, read the instructions.
5. Science is true. don’t be misled by facts.
6. If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
7. If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
(Scroll on down for more – Murph would appreciate it, and besides no ads to distract from the genius of Murphy and detract from the poverty of eGrumps.)
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Murphy’s Rare Comments – Saved from the Dustbin of History – for Posterity
Thursday, February 23rd, 2012Sometimes I, eGrumps, feel a higher calling. Someone is telling me not to let Murphy’s rare comments (and comments by those commenting upon Murphy’s comments) die. It’s a tough and dirty job, but I feel I have to do it. “eGrumps, if you’d take a shower before you posted these comments, you’d find it isn’t so dirty. Tough maybe since you can’t type worth a damn, but not dirty.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Your intelligence, my love, leaves a little bit to be desired. Actually, a lot to be desired, Honey Bunch, you are a certified idiot. Leave me to my true mission in life. Bug off.” (eGrumps).
1. There is no time like the present for postponing what you don’t want to do.
2. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since no one listens.
3. Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
4. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing. (I’ll drink to that!)
5. The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people at the meeting.
6. Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
7. The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them to the impossible.
Murphy – rest well, you may be gone, but not forgotten. No greater honor can be bestowed upon you than to have eGrumps save your obscure comments, not to mention saving comments by those who have commented upon your comments.
If you have nothing better to do, go to www.egrumps.com and see my very feasible plan to reduce the unemployment rate to zero. It’s a plan worthy of Murphy.
If you still have nothing better to do, scroll down and read other one-line comments. You will not be tested on them in the morning, or the evening, whatever time it is when you are reading this.
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Murphy’s Laws on Sex (at least some of them – there are more to come later) and Other Notable One-Liners.
Sunday, February 19th, 2012Welcome friends from eGrumps (that’s me – usually my friends (both of them) just call me Grumps – probably more accurate.) Remember – every man has a scheme that doesn’t work. I guess Mrs. eGrumps is a scheme. (“eGrumps you’re still an idiot. Grow up instead of out.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
A few of Murphy’s Laws on Sex:
1. Never sleep with anyone crazier that you.
2. Sex is dirty only if it is done right.
3. Sex has no calories.
4. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
5. Thou shall not commit adultery…unless you’re in the mood.
A few other notable one-liners.
1. Death before dishonor – Nothing before coffee.
2. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
3. A balanced diet is a cookie in every hand.
4. My observation when I am waiting in a line, any line, for anything – the other line moves faster.
(Scroll down – waste more time. It’s the right thing to do, especially if you are at work)
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One Liners for The Ages – Murphy’s Minor Comments
Thursday, February 16th, 2012These are One Liners for the Ages. In short, they are ageless, actually they are so old they’re stale. It is my mission on the Internet to promulgate their publication so they will get a new lease on life. A new beginning, so to speak, so that the world will long remember them, or me, or maybe them and me (but not remember Mrs. eGrumps – she is remarkably non-rememberable. “eGrumps – you are a certified idiot” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Sweaty dear, honey bunch – I am not certified – and give me my allowance or I’ll tell the truth about you, you miserable bitch.” (eGrumps)
1. The longer the title, the less important the job.
2.When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
3. The idea is to die young as late as possible.
4. All things considered – life is 9 to 5 against.
5. “I can’t give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.” (My philosophy teacher – that idiot – what did he know)
6. My job is only marginally better than daytime TV.
7. My law of drinking – you can’t fall off the floor. Or from an old English buddy – he is not drunk who can get off the floor and ask for more.
8. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
(Tell your friends to check this website out – it is a guaranteed way to lose friends.)
Best to all eGrumps
Scroll down if you want to waste more time
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One Line Jokes to Live By (And Die For).
Wednesday, February 15th, 2012More one-line “jokes” to entertain you, please you (but maybe not entertain you) and expose you to the finer things of life. If you believe that about these one-liners, you are sick, sick, sick. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Warning: I am not qualified to give medical advice, or any other type of advice, so maybe forget the aspirin. Actually – I have been called a half-assed doctor, so maybe only take one aspirin.
REMEMBER – THERE IS A SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS FINDING IT.
1. Mathematics is made up of 50% formulas, 50% proof and 50% imagination.
2. I heard that parallel lines meet, but they are very discrete.
3. Rome did not make a great empire by holding meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.
4. Never knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run like hell. (He hates that).
5. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
6. There is no future in time travel.
7. My motto: “Better living through denial.”
8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry it will pass.
9. Scroll on Down – Waste More Time.
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Murphy’s Minor Laws — One-Line Jokes
Saturday, February 11th, 2012More of Murphy’s Minor Laws. Saved from the garbage can of history by eGrumps (yours truly). This series (scroll down for more) is my contribution to preserving that which probably shouldn’t be preserved, but is being saved here until the end of time, or until my computer crashes, whichever comes first.
1. Smile – tomorrow will be worse.
2. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
3. You never run out of things that can go wrong.
4. When you are over the hill, you pick up speed (This is particularly distressing because it has been said, but not to my face, that I, eGrumps, am over the hill).
5. If you want your name spelled wrong, die.
6, It is always Mrs. eGrumps fault. (This has been modified to bring it current, and besides, I like to get Mrs. eGrumps mad)
7. Misery no longer love’s company — it insists upon it.
OLD AGE IS ALWAYS FIFTEEN YEARS OLDER THAN I AM!!!
Scroll down – it always pays to waste more time.
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One Liners (and Pithy Comments) for You! Not to be Missed (from eGrumps)
Saturday, February 4th, 2012
One Line Jokes – Eternal Humor
Friday, January 6th, 2012Here are a few one-line jokes that have stood the test of time and are worthy of your attention – assuming you are worthy of anything. Of course, if you are indeed worthy of something, why are you wasting your time here. (These are brought to you by virtue of one very sick individual – eGrumps (that’s me)
1. Definition of a minor operation: “One that is performed on someone else.”
2. Be nice to your friends. If it wasn’t for them you’d be a total stranger.
3. She’s got a million dollar figure. The trouble is it is all in loose change.
4. If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
5. Money can’t buy happiness. That’s why we have credit cards.
6. A boss is someone who is late when you are early, and early when you are late.
7. Advertisement: For Sale – twin beds with a worn carpet.
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That’s it for today. Why not scroll down for further pearls of wisdom and waste more of your valuable time? eGrumps
Murphy’s Pithy Comments – One Liners to Live By
Sunday, November 20th, 2011Welcome to Pithy Comments – Murphy’s One Liners that have stood the test of time – even if Murphy proved mortal and did not stand the test of time. These are comments that were made in response to the legend that was Murphy and his law.
1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.
Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.
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Pithy Comments that are really pithy. Well worth your time!!!
Saturday, November 12th, 2011So you want to spend your valuable time reading valueless pithy comments. RIGHT ON! The Computer God(s) will be proud of you, because your priorities are correct. You bring honor to yourself. You will be rewarded – someday.
Remember my motto: Candy is dandy, but sex won’t rot the teeth. I tried that line on a girl friend, and she went out and bought a box of chocolates – she is one sick person. How was I to know that she already had false teeth?
Amyhow – here’s today pithy comments for your education.
1. I use a computer, therefore I am.
2. The art of diplomacy is to say nothing, especially when you are speaking.
3. It is never to late to have a happy childhood.
4. There’s a new dial-a-prayer for atheists. You dial a number and no one answers.
5. Skirts are getting shorter and shorter. No one knows what they’ll be up to next.
6. I told my secretary I wanted some old-fashioned loving, so she introduced me to her grandmother. Actually, she was kind of cute in a mature sort of way.
7. I missed my nap today — I slept right through it.
SCROLL ON DOWN – see earlier pithy comments. It is a complete waste of time, but you’ve proved you don’t give a damn about how you spend your time by reading this far.
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Murphy’s Laws – Rare, Obscure, Hidden – until now
Thursday, October 20th, 2011Stolen by eGrumps (that’s me) from the hidden trove of Murphy’s Laws for Living:
1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant. The population, however, continues to grow.
4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.
5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.
6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
7. No matter where you go, there you are!
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Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and
the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet
Pithy Comment – The eGrumps Guaranteed (absolutely) Weight Loss Plan – modeled after government deficit reduction plan.
Monday, September 26th, 2011The eGrumps diet plan modeled after the government’s-reduce-the-spending plans. It will work – I guarantee it. For example:
1. The doctor told me I had to lose 10 pounds.
2. Over the next five years I would have gained 10 pounds.
3. If I keep my same eating habits and my weight steady, I will not gain 10 pounds over the next five years.
4. Therefore – I will have lost the ten pounds I did not gain.
It’s very simple – the government does it all the time. If it doesn’t increase spending, it will have lost the amount of the spending increase because it did not increase spending. ERGO – the government has reduced spending by not increasing spending.
If it works for them it’ll work for you – but perhaps you should not tell your doctor that you are following the eGrumps plan and how you intend to lose the 10 pounds.
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Murphy (ver. 8) Alive and Well (or maybe dead and not-so-well) Obscure Comments Made by and to the Master
Sunday, May 13th, 2012It’s time to take a serious look at what Murphy, and his disciples, have brought forth. The future may be bleak, but old Murphy is a hot-bed of optimism.
1. In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for storage. (If you run out of storage space, there are two alternatives – throw out the junk or move – Mrs eGrumps and I are having a discussion about that right now. She’s for moving in the foolish hope that I will throw out the junk that I have worked so hard to accumulate. There is of course a third alternative – throw out Mrs. eGrumps and use the space she is wasting to accumulate more vital junk.)
2. Speak softly and own a big mean doberman. (pit bulls will also work)
3. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until I solve it.
4. Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood.
5. Nothing is ever accomplished by a reaonable man.
6. A little humility is arrogance.
7. HISTORY PROVES NOTHING.
8. It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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