Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category
Wednesday, June 29th, 2011
It is time for another day and night of classic pithy comments, stolen by yours truly (aka eGrumps) to gladden your day, not to mention your night.
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
2. I took my misfortune like a man. I blamed it on my wife.
3. A backache is man’s greatest labor saving device.
4. I wish I had a dental appointment to cancel. It brightens my day.
5. It is not good to waken a sleeping lion. (This pithy comment has very little practical value unless you live in a zoo).
6. You know you are in a tough neighborhood when you go into a church and there is graffiti on the walls.
GOT TIME – SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE AD-FREE PITHYISMS (I don’t think that is a word, but it should be.) You don’t have enough time? Nonsense – what better way to spend time than to use it to improve your culture.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, June 11th, 2011
My basic philosophy: There is no time like the present for putting off what you don’t want to do.
Always remember, if an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Don’t be misled in your quest by facts.
Everything is easier to take apart than to put together.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You can’t get ahead by getting even. (This is total nonsense! I can’t imagine who could have written such drivel. I can’t believe I put this here. IGNORE IT!)
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, June 7th, 2011
Pithy Comments that May Cause You to Shake Your Head and/in Wonder….
eGrump’s (the author of these brief items of brilliance) basic philosophy: No matter where you go, there you are. (Trust me on this)
Computers are useless. All they do is give you answers.
First Rule of Politics: Truth Varies.
A rumor doesn’t gain believability until it is denied.
He who hesitates is probably right.
You can never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Tags: Bumper Stickers, eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, May 29th, 2011
Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Friends come and go. Enemies gather.
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
Important: (Don’t say I didn’t warn you) “Never look up when a dragon is flying over you.”
The shortest way from Point A to Point B is by GPS.
The snooze bar on the alarm clock is man’s greatest invention.
It is virtually impossible to diagnose yourself on the Internet. Doctors will perform every possible test to prove you wrong.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, January 17th, 2011
With the popularity of electric tooth brushes, the major cause of tooth decay is weak batteries.
My sister kept going out with an undertaker. I figured he was only out for her body.
Bumper sticker of the day: “Tell me about yourself, your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.”
Unless you readers give me, eGrumps, unqualified praise, I must ignore you.
eGrumps is the type of man who can brighten anyone’s day – just by saying goodbye.
A banker is simply a pawnbroker with a manicure.
I’ll always meet you half-way. You admit I was right and I’ll admit you were wrong.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, December 7th, 2010
Great pearls of wisdom created over the ages by learned sages, or so I was told by a learned sage who was trying to freeload a drink from me at the local pub.
1. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
2. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
3. Not tonight dear — I have a modem.
4. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t face drugs.
5. Sex is a disrobic experience.
6. Work is the course of the drinking class.
7. “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.” (Henry Kissinger)
8. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, November 29th, 2010
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
A good duct tape job will fix almost anything.
“Ambulance problems:
1. Ambulance sirens can cause acute and total, but temporary, deafness
2. Ambulance lights can cause acute and total, but temporary, blindness.
Theses rules do not apply in California where motorists are apparently oblivious to any traffic laws.”
“The game of catch has never been so much fun.” The inventor of the hand grenade.
Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they will not go to yours.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
If you think there is good in everybody, you obviously haven’t met me.
“The statement below is true.”
“The statement above is false.”
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, June 4th, 2010
Growing old is not all bad. In fact, it is good karma. Think about it. “I age. Therefore…I…still ….am.
The fundamental flaw in OBamacare is that doctors don’t get paid until you are sick.
Affirmative Action -isn’t.
The definition of a baby boomer is someone who jogs five miles a day but can’t find the energy to take out the garbage.
Atheists make lousy parents because they have no faith in their children.
Optimists age like wine. Pessimists age like milk.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Wednesday, February 17th, 2010
Famous Comments from a wife to a husband or from a husband to a wife. (If you don’t like these, merely substitute “wife” for “husband” and “husband” for “wife.” If that doesn’t work for you, substitute “significant other” for “insignificant other.” If that still doesn’t work for you, substitute “Domestic Partner” to “Other Domestic Partner.” It none of these work for you – please give up and go to a different web site.
1. I met my wife under unfortunate circumstances. I was single.
2. It was time to tell my wife who was the boss. I said “You’re the boss.”
3. The only thing my wife doesn’t know is why she married me.
4. Husband: One more word from you and I’m leaving home.
Wife: Taxi!
5. I finally figure out my wife closes her eyes when we are making love. She hates to see me having a good time.
6. Wife: Why do you keep reading out marriage license?
Husband: I’m looking for a loophole. If I can’t find one, there must be an expiration date somewhere in there.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
Al Sharpton speaking to Michael Jackson’s children at the Memorial Service for
their father:
“There was nothing strange about your daddy.”
eGrumps speaking to Al Sharpton:
“Al, baby, are you out of your mind? A young black man|
changes his appearance to a person strongly resembling a white woman,
a man who had numerous plastic surgery operations
and a man terribly addicted to drugs -
I find that person very strange.
Sorry, kids he might have been a great father,
and a very talented singer and dancer
(at least at one time) but under any definition
he was ‘strange,’ no matter what Rev. Al says.
Kids, accept him for what he was, and love
his memory, for what he was for you and
did for you, not for what he wasn’t.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, July 5th, 2009
The worst thing about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.
“Age is nothing more than mind over matter.
If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” (Satchel Page)
Look before you leap. Before you retire, stay home
for a week and watch daytime television.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Retire, Wit
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Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
It is never too late to have a happy childhood.
(For example, look at me (eGrumps))
One day a man came to our house
and said he was collecting
for the Children’s Home.
So my Dad gave him four of us.
At eighty I feel like a twenty-five year old.
Unfortunately there’s never one around.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Laughter | No Comments »
Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009
Some of life’s great unanswered Pithy Questions?
1.If you sent a cauliflower through the Internet, would it arrive as e-coli?
2. Do cows have to watch where they step in fields?
3. If a rhino horn is an aphrodisiac, why are rhinos nearly extinct?
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, June 19th, 2009
DEATH TO ALL FANATICS!!
Patient: ”Doctor. Every time I sneeze I have a multiple orgasm.”
Doctor: “Have you taken anything for it.”
Patient: “Yes, some black pepper.”
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, June 18th, 2009
I doubt, therefore I might be.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Wednesday, June 17th, 2009
A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
IRS Motto: – We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
I once got a fortune cookie that said:
“You like Chinese food.”
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
Question of the day –
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Famous definition – “AMNESIA” – A condition that
enables a woman who has given birth to have sex again.
A man studied Oragami for eight years.
He opened a shop in New York to sell his
Oragami creations, but the business folded.
Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Pithy Comments for Eternity (OK for a couple of days anyhow)
Wednesday, June 29th, 2011It is time for another day and night of classic pithy comments, stolen by yours truly (aka eGrumps) to gladden your day, not to mention your night.
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
2. I took my misfortune like a man. I blamed it on my wife.
3. A backache is man’s greatest labor saving device.
4. I wish I had a dental appointment to cancel. It brightens my day.
5. It is not good to waken a sleeping lion. (This pithy comment has very little practical value unless you live in a zoo).
6. You know you are in a tough neighborhood when you go into a church and there is graffiti on the walls.
GOT TIME – SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE AD-FREE PITHYISMS (I don’t think that is a word, but it should be.) You don’t have enough time? Nonsense – what better way to spend time than to use it to improve your culture.
______________________________________________________
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
Posted in Funny, Humor, Pithy Comment, Uncategorized, Wit | No Comments »