My name is eGrumps and I have made it my too brief time on earth to  ease your journey through the mistake of having serious sobriety problems. So – drink up, read on, and think about how lucky you truly are – well, you probably were truly  lucky until you stumbled upon reading my stolen sayings.

1. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until we’ve solved it.

2. Never forget that the other line moves faster, until you switch lines, at which time your original line moves faster.

3. The first rule of intelligent thinking is to save all the parts.

4. My  rules of expectations: 1) Negative expectations need yield negative results. 2) Positive expectations yield negative results.

5. In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper.

6. You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you remember nothing else from your studying of these maxims, remember – when all else fails, read the instructions.

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All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

If it seems to good to be true, it probably is.

Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.

The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Food that tastes the best always has the highest number of calories.

What men learn from history is that men don’t learn from history.

Scroll down for more truly intelligent Murphyisms.

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Favorite of the day: — To err is human, but to really screw things up, requires a computer.

1. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money. (So why is this website free to all. I tried to get a sponsor and he wanted me to pay him – bummer)

2. The tire is only flat on the bottom.

3. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

4.  A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

5. When all else fails, read the instructions.

6. When things are going well, something will go wrong.

Laws of purchasing computers:

If it crashes, it will, but only after the warranty expires.

A necessary computer goes on sale only after you have bought it at the regular price.

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A few of Murphy’s Laws on Sex:

1. Never sleep with anyone crazier that you.

2. Sex is dirty only if it is done right.

3. Sex has no calories.

4. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

5. Thou shall not commit adultery…unless you’re in the mood.

A few other notable one-liners.

1. Death before dishonor – Nothing before coffee.

2. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

3. A balanced diet is a cookie in every hand.

4. My observation  when I am waiting in a line, any line, for anything – the other line moves faster.

(Scroll down – waste more time. It’s the right thing to do, especially if you are at work)

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REMEMBER – THERE IS A SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS FINDING IT.

1. Mathematics is made up of 50% formulas, 50% proof and 50% imagination.

2. I heard that parallel lines meet, but they are very discrete.

3. Rome did not make a great empire by holding meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.

4. Never knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run like hell. (He hates that).

5. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

6. There is no future in time travel.

7. My motto: “Better living through denial.”

8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry it will pass.

9. Scroll on Down – Waste More Time.

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1. Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.

2. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

3. Learn from your parent’s mistakes — use birth control.

4. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but it at least is the scenic route.

5. I believe no problem is so large or difficult that it can’t be blamed on someone else.

6. I intend to live forever – so far so good.

7. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

8. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

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(Scroll down — it’s a trip through memory lane to see so many stolen “jokes.”)

1. All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by the payment of the invoice.

2.If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

3. Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.

4.The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come your way again.

5. If everything were left to chance, they’d be better.

6. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

7. Every solution breeds new problems.

Murphy was an optimist.

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Scroll on down for more observations on the fickle finger of fate.

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As a far smarter man than me (believe it, they exist – not many, however) once said….. Mrs. eGrumps just passed me a note reading “eGrumps, you’re an egotistical idiot.” I am not egotistical.

On with the one-liners, which is why you came here in the first place:

1. What is the sense of having power if you can’t abuse it?”

2.  In commenting on the relative safety of two types of medical procedures that could be used in an operation the medical journal said as follows:

1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth — (This appeared earlier, but it is well worth repeating.)

2. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

3. The United States Department of Justice is being sued by a Nevada brothel. They claim that they used the phrase “Fast and Furious” for many years and the DOJ has wrongfully stolen their best advertising banner.

4. Gambling —  that’s throwing money away when other people cheer you on.

5. Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.

6. I don’t want to say my kid is an idiot, but when I bought him a zebra, he named it spot.

7. From Mark Twain:
“There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics.”
“There is one way to tell if a man is honest. Ask him, and if he says “yes,” then you know he is crooked.”
“I’m pushing sixty. That’s enough exercise for me.”

SCROLL ON DOWN

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1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.

3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.

4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.

6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.

Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.

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