Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category
Wives and Husbands – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – February 17, 2010
Wednesday, February 17th, 20104. Husband: One more word from you and I’m leaving home.
6. Wife: Why do you keep reading out marriage license?
July 8, 2009
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009eGrumps intends to live forever – so far, so good.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not being lazy.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
July 7, 2009 (Michael Jackson and Al Sharpton)
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009Al Sharpton speaking to Michael Jackson’s children at the Memorial Service for
their father:
“There was nothing strange about your daddy.”
eGrumps speaking to Al Sharpton:
“Al, baby, are you out of your mind? A young black man|
changes his appearance to a person strongly resembling a white woman,
a man who had numerous plastic surgery operations
and a man terribly addicted to drugs -
I find that person very strange.
Sorry, kids he might have been a great father,
and a very talented singer and dancer
(at least at one time) but under any definition
he was ‘strange,’ no matter what Rev. Al says.
Kids, accept him for what he was, and love
his memory, for what he was for you and
did for you, not for what he wasn’t.
July 5, 2009 – Retirement
Sunday, July 5th, 2009The worst thing about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.
“Age is nothing more than mind over matter.
If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” (Satchel Page)
Look before you leap. Before you retire, stay home
for a week and watch daytime television.
July 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 1st, 2009It is never too late to have a happy childhood.
(For example, look at me (eGrumps))
One day a man came to our house
and said he was collecting
for the Children’s Home.
So my Dad gave him four of us.
At eighty I feel like a twenty-five year old.
Unfortunately there’s never one around.
June 27, 2009
Friday, June 26th, 2009I think – therefore I’m single.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.
Don’t talk to me about lie detectors.
I married one.
June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009Some of life’s great unanswered Pithy Questions?
1.If you sent a cauliflower through the Internet, would it arrive as e-coli?
2. Do cows have to watch where they step in fields?
3. If a rhino horn is an aphrodisiac, why are rhinos nearly extinct?
June 23, 2009
Monday, June 22nd, 2009Abandon all hope, you who press ENTER here.
I have no self-confidence at all.
If a woman says “yes,” I tell her to think it over.
There is nothing more expensive than a girl
who’s free for the evening.
June 20, 2008
Friday, June 19th, 2009
DEATH TO ALL FANATICS!!
Patient: ”Doctor. Every time I sneeze I have a multiple orgasm.”
Doctor: “Have you taken anything for it.”
Patient: “Yes, some black pepper.”
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Patient: ”Doctor. Every time I sneeze I have a multiple orgasm.”
Doctor: “Have you taken anything for it.”
Patient: “Yes, some black pepper.”
June 19, 2009
Thursday, June 18th, 2009I doubt, therefore I might be.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
June 18, 2009
Wednesday, June 17th, 2009A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
IRS Motto: – We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
I once got a fortune cookie that said:
“You like Chinese food.”
June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009 Question of the day –
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Famous definition – “AMNESIA” – A condition that
enables a woman who has given birth to have sex again.
A man studied Oragami for eight years.
He opened a shop in New York to sell his
Oragami creations, but the business folded.
June 16, 2009
Monday, June 15th, 2009Why do schools suspend students as a punishment for truancy?
The only good thing about an accordian is that
it teaches you how to fold a map.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14th, 2009Remember that laughter spelled backward is “rethgual.”
It means absolutely nothing, but it may cheer you up.
There is only one thing worse than being inferior
and that is being able to prove it.
Retirement can be a happy time, a pleasant time, a joyous
time, unless you are married to the retiree.
Aging – Old Age Begins When You Start Swapping Meds with your parents. Jokes, Humor and Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) — June 4, 2010
Friday, June 4th, 2010Growing old is not all bad. In fact, it is good karma. Think about it. “I age. Therefore…I…still ….am.
The fundamental flaw in OBamacare is that doctors don’t get paid until you are sick.
Affirmative Action -isn’t.
The definition of a baby boomer is someone who jogs five miles a day but can’t find the energy to take out the garbage.
Atheists make lousy parents because they have no faith in their children.
Optimists age like wine. Pessimists age like milk.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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