Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category
Sunday, April 15th, 2012
Another day, another series of one line classics that further the future of humanity. No matter what country you live in, these sayings will enhance your intellectual growth and contribute to your well-being.
My name is eGrumps and I have made it my too brief time on earth to ease your journey through the mistake of having serious sobriety problems. So – drink up, read on, and think about how lucky you truly are – well, you probably were truly lucky until you stumbled upon reading my stolen sayings.
1. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until we’ve solved it.
2. Never forget that the other line moves faster, until you switch lines, at which time your original line moves faster.
3. The first rule of intelligent thinking is to save all the parts.
4. My rules of expectations: 1) Negative expectations need yield negative results. 2) Positive expectations yield negative results.
5. In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper.
6. You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
If you remember nothing else from your studying of these maxims, remember – when all else fails, read the instructions.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012
The Obscure Laws just seem to keep coming and coming. Maybe the transmission device is being powered by the Energizer Bunny. If so, it is one sick bunny. (compiled by eGrumps – under-powered, but loved, respected and delusional)
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
If it seems to good to be true, it probably is.
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Food that tastes the best always has the highest number of calories.
What men learn from history is that men don’t learn from history.
Scroll down for more truly intelligent Murphyisms.
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Tags: Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Tuesday, March 6th, 2012
I don’t know if Murphy is alive and well, but his comments are. They live on – like Peanuts, or someone, to forever entertain us and pay humble homage (terrific expression – humble homage – even though we are not humble, by any means) to his legacy. Indeed, we honor him by this website. (Written by eGrumps, a not so modest fellow)
Favorite of the day: — To err is human, but to really screw things up, requires a computer.
1. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money. (So why is this website free to all. I tried to get a sponsor and he wanted me to pay him – bummer)
2. The tire is only flat on the bottom.
3. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
4. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
5. When all else fails, read the instructions.
6. When things are going well, something will go wrong.
Laws of purchasing computers:
If it crashes, it will, but only after the warranty expires.
A necessary computer goes on sale only after you have bought it at the regular price.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, February 19th, 2012
Welcome friends from eGrumps (that’s me – usually my friends (both of them) just call me Grumps – probably more accurate.) Remember – every man has a scheme that doesn’t work. I guess Mrs. eGrumps is a scheme. (“eGrumps you’re still an idiot. Grow up instead of out.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
A few of Murphy’s Laws on Sex:
1. Never sleep with anyone crazier that you.
2. Sex is dirty only if it is done right.
3. Sex has no calories.
4. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
5. Thou shall not commit adultery…unless you’re in the mood.
A few other notable one-liners.
1. Death before dishonor – Nothing before coffee.
2. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
3. A balanced diet is a cookie in every hand.
4. My observation when I am waiting in a line, any line, for anything – the other line moves faster.
(Scroll down – waste more time. It’s the right thing to do, especially if you are at work)
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Wednesday, February 15th, 2012
More one-line “jokes” to entertain you, please you (but maybe not entertain you) and expose you to the finer things of life. If you believe that about these one-liners, you are sick, sick, sick. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Warning: I am not qualified to give medical advice, or any other type of advice, so maybe forget the aspirin. Actually – I have been called a half-assed doctor, so maybe only take one aspirin.
REMEMBER – THERE IS A SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS FINDING IT.
1. Mathematics is made up of 50% formulas, 50% proof and 50% imagination.
2. I heard that parallel lines meet, but they are very discrete.
3. Rome did not make a great empire by holding meetings. They did it by killing all those who opposed them.
4. Never knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run like hell. (He hates that).
5. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
6. There is no future in time travel.
7. My motto: “Better living through denial.”
8. If you are feeling good, don’t worry it will pass.
9. Scroll on Down – Waste More Time.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, February 13th, 2012
I will probably forget to tell you that you should not forget these brief contributions to your future as an after-dinner speaker. So you should remember, and don’t blame me if you don’t (“eGrumps”).
1. Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
2. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
3. Learn from your parent’s mistakes — use birth control.
4. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but it at least is the scenic route.
5. I believe no problem is so large or difficult that it can’t be blamed on someone else.
6. I intend to live forever – so far so good.
7. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
8. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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(Scroll down — it’s a trip through memory lane to see so many stolen “jokes.”)
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, February 5th, 2012
Murphy’s Minor Laws have almost been lost in the quicksands of time, but they are worth saving.
1. All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by the payment of the invoice.
2.If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
3. Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.
4.The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come your way again.
5. If everything were left to chance, they’d be better.
6. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
7. Every solution breeds new problems.
Murphy was an optimist.
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Scroll on down for more observations on the fickle finger of fate.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, February 3rd, 2012
Welcome to another edition of one-line bits of philosophy for the Masses (since only one person is reading this at a time) perhaps it should say “Bits of philosophy for one of the Masses.” It that doesn’t work for you, invite a friend to view it with you together, but it is possible that you may lose that friend, and then “we” would be back where we started. I can’t handle all of this heavy thinking. Mrs. eGrumps says the only heavy thinking I do is when I am deciding what to order for dinner, but what does she know? If she was smart, she wouldn’t have married me in the first place – but she has put all of “my” property in her name, so I may have misjudged her.
As a far smarter man than me (believe it, they exist – not many, however) once said….. Mrs. eGrumps just passed me a note reading “eGrumps, you’re an egotistical idiot.” I am not egotistical.
On with the one-liners, which is why you came here in the first place:
1. What is the sense of having power if you can’t abuse it?”
2. In commenting on the relative safety of two types of medical procedures that could be used in an operation the medical journal said as follows:
in one procedure it was determined that one procedure increased the risk of a “catastrophic event, such as death or a heart attack.” It is great news that it did not increase the risk of a non-catastrophic event, such the increased risk of developing ingrown toenails or the rapid spread of dandruff. My suggestion – go with the cheaper procedure, regardless if it is not as effective. If it doesn’t work and you die, your spouse will have more money to bury you. (“eGrumps, that is the smartest thing you ever said. Maybe you’re not such an idiot after all.” Mrs. eGrumps)
3. The EU has banned the advertising claim that water can prevent dehydration – that is really true. What a bunch of idiots!
4. Beware of the person who doesn’t drink
5. The future isn’t what it used to be.
6. “Your public servants serve you right.” (Adlai Stevenson)
7. She got the gold mine, I got the shaft.
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(Scroll on down for more of this stolen brilliance”
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Friday, December 16th, 2011
It’s time for more one liners destined to find their place in history. Murphy-be-damned —- these are good, no, great, no awesome. Enjoy —- eGrumps
1. Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth — (This appeared earlier, but it is well worth repeating.)
2. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
3. The United States Department of Justice is being sued by a Nevada brothel. They claim that they used the phrase “Fast and Furious” for many years and the DOJ has wrongfully stolen their best advertising banner.
4. Gambling — that’s throwing money away when other people cheer you on.
5. Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.
6. I don’t want to say my kid is an idiot, but when I bought him a zebra, he named it spot.
7. From Mark Twain:
“There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics.”
“There is one way to tell if a man is honest. Ask him, and if he says “yes,” then you know he is crooked.”
“I’m pushing sixty. That’s enough exercise for me.”
SCROLL ON DOWN
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Mark Twain, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Sunday, November 20th, 2011
Welcome to Pithy Comments – Murphy’s One Liners that have stood the test of time – even if Murphy proved mortal and did not stand the test of time. These are comments that were made in response to the legend that was Murphy and his law.
1. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
2. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
3. The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. If everything is used to its full potential, it will break.
6. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
7. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.
Scroll on down for other brilliant one line jokes that I compiled (actually borrowed)(actually, I stole them) from various locations hidden from public view and known only to me.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, November 12th, 2011
So you want to spend your valuable time reading valueless pithy comments. RIGHT ON! The Computer God(s) will be proud of you, because your priorities are correct. You bring honor to yourself. You will be rewarded – someday.
Remember my motto: Candy is dandy, but sex won’t rot the teeth. I tried that line on a girl friend, and she went out and bought a box of chocolates – she is one sick person. How was I to know that she already had false teeth?
Amyhow – here’s today pithy comments for your education.
1. I use a computer, therefore I am.
2. The art of diplomacy is to say nothing, especially when you are speaking.
3. It is never to late to have a happy childhood.
4. There’s a new dial-a-prayer for atheists. You dial a number and no one answers.
5. Skirts are getting shorter and shorter. No one knows what they’ll be up to next.
6. I told my secretary I wanted some old-fashioned loving, so she introduced me to her grandmother. Actually, she was kind of cute in a mature sort of way.
7. I missed my nap today — I slept right through it.
SCROLL ON DOWN – see earlier pithy comments. It is a complete waste of time, but you’ve proved you don’t give a damn about how you spend your time by reading this far.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, October 29th, 2011
A happy Halloween to all. Take the pumpkin off your head, and dance like there is no tomorrow – because there is no guarantee there will be a tomorrow. So – Party On.
1. Rule for all workers of the world – When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
2.”To-Do lists are wonderful aids to productivity. Keep them current, because at the end of the day, the same items are there, and you’ll know what you have to do tomorrow. Follow this procedure to the end of time. Nothing will get done, and the world will be a better place.” (eGrumps)
3. Organization principles for we messy desk individuals: (1) If you file it, you’ll never need it again but you will know where to find it. (2) If you don’t file it, you’ll need it, but you will not know where to find it.
4. Science is true – Don’t be misled by facts.
5. When all else fails, read the instructions.
6. The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the lack of progress.
7. Nothing is ever so bad that it can’t get worse.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Saturday, October 22nd, 2011
1. “If it takes more than one sentence to state a pearl of wisdom, it is not a pearl of wisdom” (eGrumps)
2. Etiquette: The art of doing the wrong thing the right way.
3. A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient. (This is not in the annals of the American Medical Association, but it should be)
4. Only an old timer can remember when dancing was done with the feet. That is, if he can remember anything.
5. Criticism of eGrumps wouldn’t be so hard to take, except for the fact it is usually correct.
6. A comic is a man who originates old jokes. (That really hurts my ego, eGrumps)
7. IT IS NOT CERTAIN THAT EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny, Funny Quotations, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Thursday, October 20th, 2011
Stolen by eGrumps (that’s me) from the hidden trove of Murphy’s Laws for Living:
1. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
2. Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
3. The sum of all intelligence on the planet remains a constant. The population, however, continues to grow.
4. Appealingness is inversely proportional to availability.
5. Never stand between a dog and a hydrant.
6. If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
7. No matter where you go, there you are!
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Scroll on down – it’s better than watching about politics and
the election on TV, or (gasp!) the Internet
Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Monday, October 17th, 2011
Here are some gems from the annals of Pithidom:
1. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
2. If I look confused, it is because I am thinking.
3. “The rule of my life is to make pleasure a business, and business a pleasure.” (Unknown lady of the night)
4. All television is children’s television.
5. ADAM WAS THE PERFECT FIGURE OF A MAN AND EVE WAS INCREDABLLY BEAUTIFUL – so where did all the ugly people come from?
6. Make three consecutive correct guesses, and you will establish yourself as an expert.
7. Make love, not war – but be prepared for both.
Best to you from eGrumps.
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Thursday, September 22nd, 2011
Pithyville – Welcome – more pithy comments for all of you. Hang loose, because that’s the best way to hang. As my cow-rustler grandfather said before he was marched to the gallows — “Nobody ever did any constructive thinking with a noose around his neck.” Neckties should be banned–they do not contribute to constructive thinking. or any other kind of thinking, except how do I prevent them from getting stained when I drink soup.
1. “There can’t be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” (Henry Kissinger)
2. A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
3. To lose is to learn. (Spoken by losers the world over. No winner ever said that)
4. The dice have no memory. (Neither do politicans.)
5. The girl who is easy to get may be hard to take.
6. “I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” (Fred Allen)
7. It’s easy to tell who your friends are. They’re the ones that stab you in the front.
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Sunday, September 18th, 2011
“A very happy Pithy Comment Day to you from me, the forgettable eGrumps.. There is no such official day, but there sure ought to be one. Think what a boon that would be for humankind. Everybody can say stupid things and no one could dare criticize you. They’ll probably think you’re a politician anyhow, and you know how pithy they are. So let us get to the good stuff.” eGrumps
1. eGrump’s Investment principle: “Never invest in anything that eats.”
2 .He who hesitates is probably right.
3. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (Washington learned this some time ago.)
4. A rumor doesn’t gain credence until it is officially denied.
5. Computers are not intelligent, they only think they are.
6. Washington’s law of taxes: Whatever goes up, stays up.
7. Random events tend to occur in groups.
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Friday, September 9th, 2011
The following inherently contradictory statements are called Oxymorons. Read them and you’ll see why. They still qualify as Pithy Comments, or one liners, For example:
1. “Stay with me. I want to be alone.” (Joey Adams)
2. “I want to die young at a ripe old age.” (Ashley Montague)
3.”People have one thing in common. They are all different.” (Robert Zend)
4. “Only when a woman is openly bad is she really good.” (Publilius Styrus – 1st Century B.C.) (This one, for some reason is quite popular.)
5. “Sex is like money; only too much is enough.” (John Updyke)
(Try this with your girlfriend or boyfriend – It couldn’t hurt the seduction process – I think)
6.”Housework – If it is done right, it can kill you.” (John Skow)
7. “There is nothing so permanent as a temporary job in Washington.” (George Allen)
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Oxymorons, Pithy Comment, Satire, Wit
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Wednesday, September 7th, 2011
Welcome to eGrumps one-line magnificent (?) and awesome (?) collection of humor (+/-)
1. I have no plans and I have no plan to have plans.
2. I hate mornings. I get up at the crack of noon.
3. The limerick packs laughs anatomical.
into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones we’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom comical.
(All right – it’s not a one liner, but who’s counting.
4. “Virus:” A Latin word used by the doctors meaning your guess is as good as mine.
5. I’m sick and tied of being sick and tired.
6. My airplane to New York was so old it had an outside toilet.
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Saturday, August 27th, 2011
Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
I am confused, therefore I am.
I was put on earth to show that not everything has a purpose.
Laziness is nothing more than resting before you get tired.
America has the highest standard of living in the world. It’s just a pity we can’t afford it.
If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the pavement.
CHECK OUT WWW.EGRUMPS.COM – Very funny, if I do say so myself, but then I wrote it.
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Tags: Funny, Funny Quotations, Humor, One Line Jokes, Pithy Comment, Wit
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Murphy’s Laws (No. 6) — One-Liners – He’s Alive and Well and Making the World a Better Place
Sunday, April 15th, 2012Another day, another series of one line classics that further the future of humanity. No matter what country you live in, these sayings will enhance your intellectual growth and contribute to your well-being.
My name is eGrumps and I have made it my too brief time on earth to ease your journey through the mistake of having serious sobriety problems. So – drink up, read on, and think about how lucky you truly are – well, you probably were truly lucky until you stumbled upon reading my stolen sayings.
1. If you think the problem is bad now, wait until we’ve solved it.
2. Never forget that the other line moves faster, until you switch lines, at which time your original line moves faster.
3. The first rule of intelligent thinking is to save all the parts.
4. My rules of expectations: 1) Negative expectations need yield negative results. 2) Positive expectations yield negative results.
5. In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper.
6. You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
If you remember nothing else from your studying of these maxims, remember – when all else fails, read the instructions.
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Tags: eGrumps, Funny Quotations, Humor, Jokes, Jokes One Line, Murphy's Laws, Pithy Comment, Wit
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