Pithy Comments

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health (The Environmental Protection Agency hasn’t said this — yet) (“Just wait” (eGrumps))

If at first you don’t succeed you’re just about average.

Forget about world peace, visualize using your turn indicator.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

The only thing better than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.

Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You have to squeeze a few bottoms to make sure you like what you are getting.

A professor is someone who talks in someone else’s sleep.

I may not have a perfect body, but I have some excellent parts.

Some men have morals, some don’t. Most simply ignore them.

________________________________________________________

Roses are red, violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, and so am I.

Mommy, the cursor is winking at me.

You know the more I drink, the prettier you get.

“An economist’s guess is liable to be just as good as anyone else’s.” (Will Rogers)

I am on a thirty day diet. So far I have lost fifteen days,

53.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.

____________________________________________________

Golf: A game in which a little white ball is chased by a bunch of men who are too old to chase anything else.

Senior golfers say they always shoot their age. More likely they always shoot their weight.

Many senior golfers use carts instead of caddies because carts can’t count, criticize or laugh.

Did you hear about the golfer who is so used to cheating on his scorecard, when he shot a hole-in-one he put down a zero on his scorecard.

“Believe me, it’s not that I cheat,” the golfer said, “It’s just that I play golf for my health and when I have a lower score, it makes me feel better.

Last week I just missed a spectacular hole-in-one , by about five stokes.

__________________________________________________________

eGrumps graciously accepts all compliments. After all, you can’t argue with the truth.

My mom and dad were so proud of me when I graduated high school. So were my wife and kids.

I’m pretty close to being a millionaire. Today I’m only seven figures away.

I’m very bad at arithmetic. I can count from 1 to 100, but I have trouble putting the numbers in order.

Taxes are our reminder that the land of the free isn’t.

Fishing is great recreation. It’s just about the most fun you can have with a worm on a string.

________________________________________________________

The following one line comments have nothing to do with the mental superiority of eGrumps. He is what he is (which isn’t much) and who can deny his intellectual brilliance, except Mrs. eGrumps and those of you who may be  jealous of his talent.

eGrumps brain is like a politicians speech – mostly empty.

eGrumps brain is a fugitive from a brain gang.

eGrumps is really brighter than he looks, but then he would have to be.

eGrumps was born stupid, and lately he has had a relapse.

If eGrumps said what he thought he’d be speechless.

What eGrumps lacks in intelligence, he makes up in stupidity.

ALERT:

The foregoing comments were all written by Mrs. eGrumps, who knows her husband, eGrumps better that anyone.  eGrumps strongly disagrees with her comments because she is a complete idiot, or else she would not have married eGrumps in the first place. To show you the level of her stupidity, she thought eGrumps had money when she married him. Hah – little did she know how little it was. She’s still waiting for him to make money off of his free websites. (see also http://egrumps.com)
____________________________________________

(For the women reading this) Remember, all men are cremated equal.
(For the men reading this) Remember, all women are cremated equal.

“I wanted to give Mrs. eGrumps a book for Christmas, but she already had one.” (eGrumps) “eGrumps, you’re an idiot. At least I can read it.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Do you expect me to believe that, you’ve never even picked it up to read.” (eGrumps) “How would you know, you’re always parked in front of the TV set watching the porno shows.” (Mrs. eGrumps) “Yep – it’s all part of my education – live and learn. Next time I’ll give you a book with pictures.” (eGrumps) “Idiot, idiot, idiot!!!!” (Mrs. eGrumps)

Definition of a minor operation: One performed on someone else.

She likes him for what he is: Rich

A fool and his money are soon popular

I took my dog to an obedience school. He still bites me, but he says a prayer first.

__________________________________________________

Two more of those digital days,  0’s,1’s and 2’s. 02/21/2010 and 02/22/2010 – this must mean something, but damned if I know what. Be very, very careful.

A few comments about Age:

1. A woman’s age is like the speedometer of a used car for sale – it has been set back, but you don’t know how far.

2. A man’s age demands respect. A woman’s age demands tact.

3. Geriatrics is the science that helps you to live longer without growing older.

4. A man is getting old when the gleam in his eye is merely the reflection off of his sunglasses.

5. Another sign of growing older is that you spend more time talking with your druggist than with your bartender.

6. Man knows his age. Women calculate theirs.

7. “I find age a very distasteful subject!! And I’m not kidding – really and truly. But who is is counting my age? Not me, well, maybe once in a while. That’s when it is really distasteful.” eGrumps

__________________________________________________

Corollaries from laws that are somehow related to laws promulgated by Murphy and “borrowed” by eGrumps from a master list published somewhere.”

Basic Law of Medicine: Pills to be taken in twos come out of the bottle in threes.

Donohue’s Law: Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.

Dunn’s Discovery: The shortest measurable interval of time is the time between the moment one puts a little extra aside for a sudden emergency and the arrival of that emergency.

Ehrlich’s Rule: The first intelligent rule of tinkering is to save all parts.

Epstein’s Law: If you think the problem is bad now, wait until we’ve solved it.

eGrumps Law: Always steal one-liners from other people, and if you think you will be caught, give them credit for the original saying, unless, of course,  they are really brilliant one-liners, in which case take full credit and ignore the original writer.

________________________________________________________

“I would ignore these words of wisdom. They are designed to trick you, one way or the other. Trust me on this.” (eGrumps)

1. There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.

2.  If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

3. “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.” The foregoing was deleted from that section of the IRS manual on how to deal with taxpayers.

4. “Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do.” (Oscar Wilde)

5. “Meetings are indispensable  when you don’t want to do anything.” (Robert Frost)

6. Where there’s smoke, there’s toast.

__________________________________________________

Mae West (1892 – 1980). was an American actress, playwright, screenwriter and “sex symbol.”  Known for her sense of humor, and her “dirty comments,” her quotations  seem tame by modern standards, but she was a true pioneer in the use of double entendres . She was truly ahead of her time, and her quotations have withstood the test of time. eGrumps is proud, indeed honored, worshiped and adored by his many fans (all three of them) for repeating a few of her one-line pithy comments here.

Maybe her most famous: “Come up and see me some time, big boy. “

1. To err is human, but it feels divine.

2. When women go wrong, men go right after them.

3. It’s not the men in my life that counts — it’s the life in my men.

4. A hard man is good to find.

5. I’m the girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

6.  When you think about it, what other playwrights are there besides O’Neill, Tennessee and Me.

7. It’s not what I do, but the way I do it. It’s not what I say, but the way I say it.

______________________________________________

Famous (and Not-so-Famous) Comments about Technology

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

If it is not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

When the lights go out, all women are beautiful. (This is slightly off subject, but one can consider lights going on and off as something of a technological miracle, and it is a wonderful one-liner to remember – especially when the lights are still on.)

__________________________________________________________