The following one line jokes are special. They have endured the test of both time and censorship. Their popularity continues through the ages. (eGrumps – proprietor of this web site.)
Red Line – danger do not cross. You know what happens if you do. Actually – when you find out, please let us all know.
The prostitutes’ slogan: When you need professional help, get it from the professionals, not your friends.
1. If you think women are expensive, drop one.
2. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
3. Strip mining prevents forest fires.
4. The greatest productive force is selfishness.
5. Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
6. If we are what we eat, I am cheap, fast and easy.
7. Eat, drink and make Mary, for tomorrow her husband is coming home.
Radar spelled backwards is radar. They get you coming and going.
Chaos, panic and disorder – my work here is done.
Welcome Back – Pithy Comments lives, no matter what the undertaker says. Remember – Pithiness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, or reader – or (gasp) me! Hang in there and continue reading.
You’ve heard of Murphy’s Law. I follow Morton’s law – taking everything with a grain of salt.
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake – every time your repeat it.
The difference between “involvement” and “commitment” is like a ham and egg breakfast. The chicken was ” involved” – the pig was “committed.”
I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on a tape somewhere.
1. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then what idiot said “quit while you’re ahead.”
2. “Years ago I thought old age would be dreadful, because I should not be able to do the things I would want to do. Now I find there is nothing I want to do.” (Nancy Astor) (Ed’s note: that doesn’t apply to any of you. There are lots of things you want to do, I know. Just don’t let your spouse find out.
3. If you are going to have fun – that you have to get serious about it.
4.Remember – don’t take life to seriously. You will not get out alive anyhow.
Editor’s request – from eGrumps, the Prince of Pithiness (that’s me) asks, most respectfully, that you refer your friends to this site. The advertising agency didn’t believe me when I said I had 127,812 visitors on an average day. Have no fear – that’s a joke – never will advertising darken my site to annoy you, my trusted reader (oops, should have said “readers.”) Besides, no one in their right mind would buy any product that would advertise here. You are in your right mind, aren’t you?
Bye – I’m off to steal more pithy comments. And scroll on down for prior week’s pithy comments. They’re no worse than these.
Doctor’s Advice (on a patient’s depression): It is worth what you pay me for it) – Give up reading the Newspapers (you remember what they are (or were). Give up listening to TV News – CBS, NBC and ABC. Give up reading web sites (unless they agree with your preconceived notions).
Patient: How will that help my depression?
Doctor: Damned if I know, but it couldn’t hurt, and considering the world today – it’s worth a shot. Remember “depression is a state of mind,” and it may get you out of your rut.
Keep in mind – the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Oh, yes – please pay the nurse on your way out. I need the money.
Patient: Now I really am depressed.
ONE LINER”S OF NOTE, or NOTED ONE LINERS – whatever
1. A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. (Woody Allen)
2. The shortest distance between two points is under construction. (N. Alitio)
3. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they wont come to yours (Yogi Berra)
4. A woman drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her. (W.C.Fields)
5. If at first you don’t succeed, cheat.
6. It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance. (R. Reagan)
7. Always take time to stop and smell the roses, and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
8. Sex is like air. It isn’t important unless you are not getting any.
My Favorite (for today anyhow): You are only young once, but you can stay immature forever.
9. Abstinence is a good thing but only in moderation.
REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS
That’s all for today. Drop in soon again. eGrumps (that’s me) will always be here, unless shot by a mad husband.
Forgot: Keep Smiling!!!!
From eGrumps: Here a few classic one-line jokes; mostly stolen (what else) by me. Where possible I have cited the author. If you don’t like any of them, blame the author and drop him, or her, a note.If you are so inclined to write, please don’t use my name. You know who is watching email these days! Of course some are them are deceased (also dead) and they have been admitted into heaven in spite of their writings. It all goes to prove that God is either very compassionate and forgiving or has no sense of humor.
You don’t have to worry about writing to the deceased (also dead) unless you get a reply.
1. She is a girl who has climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong. (Mae West)
2. I read the main stream media avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction (Aneurin Bevin)
3. I’ve just learned of his illness, let’s hope it is nothing trivial. (Irvin S. Cobb)
4. Women should be obscene and not heard. (Groucho Marx).
5. That woman speaks eight languages and can’t say “no” in any of them. (Dorthy Parker)
6. Sociology is the study of people who don’t need studying by those who do. (E. S. Turner)
Bumper Stickers of Note:
1. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
2. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
3. The #1 cause of divorce — marriage.
4. PROCRASTINATE LATER (Love that!!)
5. I’m looking for true love, but I’ll settle for cheap sex.
6. Sleep is a poor substitute for good coffee.
STILL MY FAVORITE: “Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth”
See you later when the urge to steal what others have written hits me again. (eGrumps)
Are we having fun yet? – If not, it is your fault. No one else’s. Please remember that – OK forget it at your peril.
In the annals of great humor, the one line joke has two distinguishing characteristics: (1) It is one-line (usually) and (2) It is funny (usually). I have endeavored to follow the rules of the road with these one-liners. (1) They are one-line (usually) and (2) They are funny (usually). Wait – you say – some are more than one -line and some are not funny.
But – you have to translate all jokes into their original language which has no punctuation rules and the text just rolls on from one letter to the next. As a result all one-liners, by definition are one line, no matter how long. Live with it! Unfortunately I cannot disclose the language, so take my word for it. My word is worth everything you are paying me for these one-liners. Would I lie to you? Damn right!
As to “usually funny,” funniness is in the eye of the reader (or beholder). You cannot define “funny” out of the equation, so it must be there, by definition. Loosen up, trust me on this. My wife thinks I am a certified idiot (see last weeks missive) Since she never takes me serious about anything, and I mean anything, or do I mean everything, and she wouldn’t know funny if I tickled her. I tried that once, and my cheek is still sore from her powerful slap. She thought that was funny, but what does she know – she thinks I am a certified idiot.
Remember – old age is 15 years old than you are, if you can remember your age.If you can’t remember how old you are — forget it.
So – On to the “one line” “jokes.”
1. Every man (woman(?)) has a scheme that will not work.
2. When in doubt, mumble.
3. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
4. Left to themselves, things go from bad to worse.
5. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
6. My Theory – You never run out of things that can go wrong.
7. Sex is dirty only if it is done right.
8. Justice always prevails – three times out of seven.
9. When you think things can’t get worse. They will.
In Conclusion: Murphy was an optimist!
Welcome from eGrumps – curator of one line quotes (some from Murphy, some from his friends and some from (classified).
Pithy Comments for the World
I ran a contest to find the most popular one liners, and no one entered. That, dear reader, only confirms what Mrs. eGrumps has been saying: “eGrumps, you are a certified idiot.” I gave her my best reply – “I am not certified.”
I have been attracting people to this site from all over the world, which is a testament to how screwed up the world is. The only thing that gives me any any hope is that very few of you return for a second visit.
I asked the National Security Agency if they wanted to track my readers. I think they are related to Mrs. eGrumps – their response: No! You are a certified idiot.” I wonder how word got around. Knowing our government would never lie, you are 100% secure in coming to this website.
I can’t even sell your email addresses. I tried, but the company whom I approached said: “Are you out of your mind? I think you must be a certified idiot.”
I am getting a complex. So – on to the really important stuff. Remember – the computer revolution is over, and they won.
One Liners for Posterity:
1. Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee.
2. Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
3. Work is for people who don’t surf the net.
4. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
5. LOVE is a four letter word.
6. Old age begins when you start swapping meds with your parents.
7. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
8. Housework done properly can kill you.
9. To err is human, but to really foul things up, one needs a computer. (“foul” really isn’t the word I wanted to use.)
10. Finally: The Ultimate Pick-Up Line: “SEX HAS NO CALORIES.”
Hope you are all well – come on back, I repost every two or three days, depending on the supply of Whiskey in my house.
Scroll on down for more important stuff. Best to all:
Allow me to introduce myself. I am known as eGrumps and I am back again to brighten your life with some classic one-line jokes.
First – I want to thank all of my loyal readers who have visited this site. Especially those that have shown the good taste to come back more than once.
It is truly complimentary to me to see the people from all over the world who have come here for a touch of humor. Thinking about it, which I rarely do, I can only conclude that no wonder the world is so screwed up.
These are truly non-political and are presented for your entertainment. If you have some other reason for proceeding with your visit – forget it, go to another site and continue with your sad approach to life. Life is great – look to the fun things, and believe me, you can usually find humor if you look hard enough, unless you have had some serious tragedy, and then reread all these musings. Look, it couldn’t hurt.
Cheer up – and remember the greatest one liner of all time: Candy is dandy, but sex doesn’t rot the teeth.
1, The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
2. I’m in no hurry, I’m on my way to work.
3. I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong. (Mrs. eGrumps doesn’t quite agree with that but what does she know. If she had any brains, she would not be married to me.).
4. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
5. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
6. Lord, give me patience, and I want it NOW.
7. Your kids may be honor students, but you are still an idiot.
8. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. (That is really stupid - of course it will be yesterday, unless it is the day before yesterday, which is today – I think.)
and finally — back to my favorite subject for humor:
“I’m looking for true love, but I’ll settle for cheap sex.”
Check out the prior postings – just go browsing down the page, slowly, I don’t want you to get motion sickness.
Murphy is the master Pithy Commentator, No matter what you read, hear and dream (day dream and otherwise) in the annals of the history of Pithiness – he wins.
I am known by the name of eGrumps, or His Grumpiness, depending if you want to recognize my royal lineage or not. I’ve compiled (actually stolen) a few of his comments and the comments of others who have commented on his comments.
A Song to remember:
No matter where I go,
on land or sea or foam.
You will always hear me singing my song,
MURPHY LIVES SO LONG as any of us can remember his greatness.
Some Murphyisms from some of his fans:
1. Washington is a much better place if you are asking questions rather than answering them.
2. Of two possible outcomes, only the worst will occur.
3. What people learn from history is that people don’t learn from history.
4. Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
5. The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcase.
6. When all else fails, read the instructions.
7. If you intend to start a revolution, you better win.
8. People will accept your idea if you say Benjamin Franklin invented it first, and
9. Any system that depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Scroll down – good stuff, if you go down far enough. Remember – the family that scrolls down together …….(deleted by censors).
Welcome all my new friends. From all over the world you have accessed my site to read my pithy comments, mostly humorous (no matter what my wife says). I am the one and only original eGrumps – a name eminently forgettable if you really try. Did you ever try to intentionally forget something? The more you try to forget it, the more you remember it. The plain and simple fact is that when you remember to see if you’ve forgotten it, you remember it to see if you have forgotten it which if you remember it, you have not forgotten it.
But I digress: My Pithy Comment today breaks the mold from my usual postings.
Benghazi-Watergate – I hear all the time on the TV that Benghazi is worse than Watergate because no one died in Watergate. True – but that may not be the most important difference!
The Watergate break-in was a purely domestic matter. It had no effect on the credibility of America in the world. A few people went to jail, but it affected a relatively few number of people.
NOW: Benghazi is not a domestic matter. It is an international matter. It had, and will have, continuing international repercussions. We have shown the world we will not defend our Ambassadors and their staffs. We have shown the world that we are weak, with no moral compass to protect American soil (the Benghazi Consulate was American soil) from an attack by terrorists. The long run consequences can be severe. There was no reason for our capitulation.
My sympathy to those who died and their families.
Now – scroll on down for the good stuff. No more serious stuff – it is rotting my few remaining brain cells.
For those of you who blundered in when you made a typing mistake to get to this URL, my name is eGrumps. Just thought you’d like to know – and please, stop sticking pins in the eGrumps doll — they hurt.
Hello to all my friends out there. You are in good company if you have joined my happy band reading the wisdom on this web site. There are readers here from around the known world, maybe even some from the unknown world. I really don’t know how many come from the unknown world, because if I knew who they are and where they came from, it would be a known world. So – if you are from an unknown world (and I sense your presence and know you are here) — ssh – let’s keep it a secret.
“One-line jokes” may not be completely true. Some of the great jokes are two or three lines, but because of their brevity, they fit into this category. Please don’t feel that you are wasting your time if you are reading the second line of a one line joke – now, if it is the fourth line — well, you are wasting time, and time and tide wait for no man, woman and those of indeterminate gender. Now – aliens and zombies – that’s a different matter altogether because time has no meaning for them (I think). If you are an alien or zombie – take your time reading. You have plenty of time.
Please Remember: “We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.” Will Rogers.
“Of course, if you are looking for good laughs, please go to another web site.” eGrumps
1. How long is a minute? It depends which side of the bathroom door you are on.
A few signs that you are growing old:
a. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
b. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
c.You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
d. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
e. Your friends marry and divorce, rather than hook up and break up.
f. Dinner and a movie is the whole date, rather than the beginning of one.
2. The trouble with success is that its formula is the same as the one for ulcers.
3. Hey – act your age, senile.
4. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
The one thing I, eGrumps, is good for, I am not good at.
Scroll on down for further flashes of brilliance, brief those flashes may be.
One-Line Thoughts for the Future, Murphy’s and Others — One Line Jokes to Keep you Thinking (If you are capable)March 10th, 2013
Humor for the Aged (oops, for the ages). Keep laughing, smiling, whatever. Hang loose – no matter what anyone says – as long as the gallows are in a different city. eGrumps (certified publisher of one-liners and total nonsense) Glad you asked – I certified myself.
If a bank is to big to fail, its executives may not go to jail – where they probably belong.
1. Old age begins when you start swapping meds with your parents.
2. Optimists age like wine. Pessimists age like milk.
3. Those who CAN do.
Those who CAN’T, teach.
Those incapable of either are put in charge.
4. Thou shalt not weigh more than your refrigerator.
5. Housework done properly can kill you.
6. My wife told me I should be more affectionate – so I got two girlfriends.
7. EVERY MAN HAS A SCHEME THAT WILL NOT WORK! (that is me)
8. You never run out of things that can go wrong.
9. Spend your life having the time of your life!
Scroll on Down for More (maybe not better) Words of Wisdom.
Fellow one-line joke fans – that’s you, or you wouldn’t be here reading these wise words of total nonsense (except for the second paragraph below – which is the gospel according to me, eGrumps – the author of these words of pseudo-wisdom).
Before I forget – tell your friends about this site. They should know what is going on in the world. If they don’t surf in to this site, they are not worthy of being your friends.
The time has come to dig into the archives of one-line jokes (“OLJ”). OLJs are an art form all unto themselves. Anything that takes more than one line, well, maybe two lines, to be funny is a cruel hoax on the art of Humor. It shows how far civilization has degraded itself. OLJs are an art form of the highest order – the understanding of which is a Nirvana awaiting us as we progress. Even those professional comedians who hire “joke” writers to show the world how funny they think they are, have lost it, and as an old comedian whose wife always said: “”taint funny, Magee.” (Fibber Magee and Molly) So, three+ line comedians, ask for your money back, rethink your profession and either adapt to true humor or take up plumbing, or some other more creative endeavor where you will probably make more money. Maybe write speeches for the President – they’re pretty funny, no matter what he says – unless you agree with him.
Murphy’s first law: If anything can go wrong, it will.
1. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
2. The computer revolution is over, and they won.
3. Ask me about my vow of silence.
4. Old age begins when you start swapping meds with your friends.
5. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
6. My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends.
7. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
8. Never go to be mad. Stay up and fight.
9. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
eGrumps motto: Abstain from wine, women and song. Mostly song.
One-Line Jokes (and Other Great Witticisms) of Truly Great Importance – in the grand scheme of things. If you only remember one thing tomorrow – let these philosophical musings show you the way to eternal happiness, at least for a day or two. Remember one man’s important thoughts are like garbage in the value algorithms of others – the truly uninformed.
Never, ever trust a Mayan calendar.
No matter what you aim in life,
No matter what your goal,
Keep your eye upon the donut
and not upon the hole.
Don’t take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive anyhow.
Sacred cows make the best burgers.
The trouble with life is that you’re halfway through before you realize it is a do-it yourself thing.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. (You can say that again).
Rehab is for quitters.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Best to all – it’s time to go steal some “jokes” for my next endeavor.
eGrumps (that’s me)
If you have time, scroll on down. Actually – make some time. What else have you got to do that you think is important?
I have been looking for the dustbin of history for some time now, haven’t found it, but have been faking it as a reference. I’m afraid that if I find it Mrs. eGrumps (I’m eGrumps for those of you new to this site) will sweep me into it, which might be a real improvement for what is going on in the world today. Maybe I should start a new column – dustbin of today.
Remember – as Shakespeare said: “All the world is a stage.” (and I missed rehearsal.)
THE HUMAN RACE HAS ONE REALLY EFFECTIVE WEAPON – AND THAT IS LAUGHTER.
1. To love your fellow man is to know true joy. To get him out of the house before your spouse comes home is probably also a good thing.
2. “Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.” (Ambrose Bierce)
3. “Be careful about reading health books, you may die of a misprint.” (Mark Twain)
4. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
5. Money is the root of all wealth.
6. It used to be a woman marries a man for his money. Now she divorces him for the same thing.
7. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than overstatement.
8. When my wife’s friend told her husband to act his age, he died.
9. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Scroll on down and see what you may have missed in the dustbin of humor.
One-Liners for Everyone – If you don’t chuckle, your facial muscles will freeze in a permanent scowl!!November 11th, 2012
Besides me, eGrumps, others have some famous one-liners (That is really hard to believe):
1. “You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun.”(Al Capone)
2. “Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that.” (Matt Frewer)
3. “The word “politics” is derived from the word “poly,” meaning many, and “ticks,” meaning blood sucking parasites.” (Larry Hardiman)
4. “A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.” (Unknown)
1. Sex is like air – it’s not important unless you are not getting any.
2. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
3. Sacred cows make the best burgers.
4. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
5. Rehab is for quitters.
Scroll down – might be worth the time, well, maybe not worth the time, well, not really unless you have nothing else to do.
These one line jokes have stood the test of time. What does that mean – “stood the test of time.” If they sat the test of time, we would all be more comfortable, and they would probably last longer. eGrumps (that’s me) comment of enduring (?) value.
SHE WHO IS SILENT CONSENTS!
1. Treat your partner with respect. Never, ever hit him/her in front of his/her relatives.
2. My wife told me I should be more affectionate – so I got a girlfriend.
3. If things were left to chance, they’d be better.
1. Enough research will tend to support your theory.
2. Smile – tomorrow will be worse.
3. Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
eGrumps laws (stolen from others, of course):
1. I always advise people not to give advice.
2. When I grow up, I want to be a little boy!!!!
SCROLL ON DOWN – IT IS OF DUBIOUS VALUE, BUT HIGHLY EDUCATIONAL.
I am truly sorry old Murph isn’t running for office. He would be in a league of his own, actually a party of his own.
What a convention that would be! Anyhow – here are a few trusted one liners, and if Murphy didn’t actually say them, he should have. But – as someone said – “The compiler of these pithy comments has incredibly bad taste.” That is me, commonly called eGrumps, by his sober friends, both of them.
This site is pure genius , as distinguished from impure genius.
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
1. I’d like to have an inferiority contest, but I don’t think I am good enough.
2. Nature is wonderful, the older you get, the harder it is to see yourself in the mirror.
3. I don’t know what this means – but it is worth pondering: “We constantly empower backward-compatible synergies. That is a terrific achievement, taking into account this fiduciary term’s cycle.”
4. Enough research will tend to support your theory.
5. Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they will not go to yours.
6. The optimist says we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimest fears this is true.
7. In a transistor circuit, the transformer always blows to protect the fuse.
Finally – for those of you who are having trouble with women (and who isn’t) remind them that sex has no calories.
Scroll on down if you want to improve your mind. (I can’t believe I said that)
“It is time for a few immortal one line jokes – or short humorous stuff for those of great intellect. Hang on – here we go, and take your finger off of the delete key.” eGrumps
1. Happiness is a good martini, a good cigar and a good woman or bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand. (from the late George Burns)
2. Great principles of computerism:
a. The likelihood of receiving an error message during downloading increases the closer you come to finishing.
b. If you spend hours trying to get connected to a busy server your connection will be lost the sooner you get on.
c. The better the customer service, the sooner you get to someone who can’t help you.
d. Immediately after you walk away from a printer, the paper will jam.
e. Computers make very fast, accurate mistakes.
3. Aliens are coming abduct all the intelligent, good looking, and sexy people. You will be safe. I’m just e-mailing you to say goodbye.
4. You should forgive your enemies, but not before they are hanged. (A Murphy law)
5. Remember – only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
6. Beware of a day you don’t have something to bitch about.
7. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
8. I have no “significant other” because I myself am insignificant.
The following laws are very special. If you don’t know why, it is only because your eyes haven’t been opened to the true genius of Murphy and his followers. If you want instructions as to how to get your eyes opened to see the light – try starting with a six-pack of beer. If that doesn’t work, try 2 six-packs. If that doesn’t work – you will never your eyes opened except through psychiatry – and since beer is cheaper and more fun – try a 3rd six pack – but please don’t drive.If 3 six-packs don’t work, you are hopeless — give up, you idiot. (from eGrumps)
1. It is virtually impossible to misdiagnose yourself on the Internet. Doctors will perform every conceivable test to prove otherwise.
2. Never look up when the dragon flies overhead (I love that one).
3. Friends come and go, but enemies gather.
4. If you have a 50% chance of being right, are wrong 90% of the time..
5. Junk is something you have kept for years, and thrown away two weeks before you need it.
6. Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn.
7. Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will get you killed.
8. NOBODY IS INCOMPETENT. INCOMPETENCE IS NOTHING BUT COMPETENCE IN INCOMPETENCY