Wife One-Liners – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – (from eGrumps) – July 25, 2010.

July 25th, 2010

The only reason I turned down an extramarital affair is because my wife found the key to my gun cabinet.

Treat your wife with respect. Don’t hit her in front of her relatives.

Countless conflicts can be avoided by walking out on your wife for years at a time.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got a girlfriend.

I knew my wife was getting suspicious when she stopped reading Vogue and started reading Guns and Ammo.

Always speak to your wife is soothing, patronizing tones.

One common myth states that hitting is no way to solve a marital dispute, but studies show that is not always the case.

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Success and Good Advice – One Liners — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) — July 22, 2010

July 22nd, 2010

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught.

Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.

If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a number of times.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Take the road not taken. The leaves crunch much louder.

A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words, depending on how good looking you are.

I have all the answers. It’s just that most of them are not right.

The more you cry, the less you have to pee.

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Nutritional (etc.) One Line Jokes – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps – July 15, 2010.

July 15th, 2010

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Brain cells come,  and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Some times age comes alone.

Don’t be afraid to try something new. Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

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Computer One-Liners (Dedicated to Murphy, Father of the Satirical One-Liner) – (Stolen by eGrumps from Someone Who Stole Them From Someone Else (Who Had Previously Stole Them, etc.) – July 15, 2010

July 14th, 2010

Be aware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Bug? That’s not a bug, it’s a feature.

Any program that runs right is obsolete.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Home is where the computer is plugged in (or has access to  Wi-Fi).

You had mail, but the computer deleted it as being boring.

Warning Keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.

To be or not to be, those are the parameters.

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Murphy’s Committee Rules – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps — July 11, 2010.

July 11th, 2010

The following Committee Rules should always be followed by any intelligent committee member, or even those who may not be intelligent:

1. Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.

2. Don’t say anything until the meeting is half over. This stamps you as being wise.

3. Be as vague as possible. This prevents you from iritating others.

4. When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.

5. Be the first to move for adjournment. This will make you popular — it is what everyone has been waiting for.

eGrumps advice:

Never, ever join a committee, unless either (i) you want to lose your friends on the committee, or (ii) you are the sole member.

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One-Liners from History – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – from eGrumps – July 10, 2010

July 10th, 2010

Obscure Murphy’s Comments are currently on vacation. He’s cashed his unemployment check, and is seeking obscurity to dream up more obscure one-liners. (Scroll down to see his most recent obscurities.)

I gave up drinking, smoking and sex. It was the worst fifteen minutes of my life.

Sex is like air. It isn’t important unless you are not getting any.

Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.

So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?

The world is coming to an end, please log off.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

There is no gravity – the earth sucks.

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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Part Six) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – From eGrumps — July 7, 2010

July 8th, 2010

“eGrumps,  You have a dilemma. The more you publish my “Obscure Laws,” the less obscure they become. You are doing me a great disservice by creating this problem.” (Murphy)

“Huh? Murph, don’t bother me with details. It’s all your fault by creating Obscure Laws. If you didn’t create them in the first place, I couldn’t publish them and remove their obscurity.” (eGrumps)

“Huh? eGrumps, if I didn’t want to make them obscure, I wouldn’t have published them.” (Murphy)

“Murph. I want to introduce you to Mrs. eGrumps. She thinks I am a a first class idiot, but maybe that’s because she hasn’t met you.” (eGrumps)

“Anyhow, grumps, here are few more obscure laws from which you can remove the veil of obscurity.” (Murphy)

1. Evil is live spelled backwards.

2. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. (Otherwise known as “If So,  How Come it All Landed on Me Law.”

3. If it feels good, don’t do it.

4. No man with four aces ever howls for a new deal.

5. The chief causes of problems are solutions.

6. You can conquer gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.

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Scroll on down for other formerly obscure laws.

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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Part Five) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – From eGrumps — July 7, 2010

July 7th, 2010

“eGrumps is a genius” (Murphy)
“eGrumps is an egotistical idiot.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
“I always though Murphy was a brilliant judge of character.” (eGrumps)

The object is to die young as late as possible.

In an underdeveloped country, don”t drink the water. In a developed country, don’t breathe the air.

Nothing is ever done for the right reason.

Everything breaks down.

All things being equal, all things are never equal.

eGrumps First Law of Drinking – “You can’t fall off the floor.”

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Scroll on down for more obscure laws.

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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Part Four) Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – July 5, 2010.

July 5th, 2010

Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man (or woman).

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

eGrumps slogan, originally from some Murphy imitator (like me): Beware of and eschew pompous prolixity.

When you’re up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.

If you are feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.

The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Part Three – to be continued eventually – maybe tomorrow) Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – July 4, 2010.

July 4th, 2010

eGrumps Law (to Hell with Murphy’s Obscure Laws!): Happy Fourth of July!

All right, here a few more of Murphy’s Obscure Laws:

1. Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

2. Every man (and woman) has a scheme that will not work.

3. When in doubt, mumble.

4. For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.

5. The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant: the population is growing.

eGrumps favorite:

6. If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

(For Parts One and Two of Murphy’s Obscure Laws – scroll down. As a matter of fact, scroll down even further for lots of Pithy Comments)


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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Part Two – to be continued eventually – maybe tomorrow) Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – July 3, 2010.

July 3rd, 2010

I visit http://pithycomment.com, therefore I am.       (You probably will not believe that is one of Murphy’s laws. You’re probably wrong. If eGrumps was known to Murphy, it would have been Murphy’s first law. I believe I am at a logical impasse here. )

A man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

In specifications, Murphy’s Law supersedes Ohm’s.

Never say “oop’s” in the Operating Room. (This was actually Dr. Murphy’s Law).

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. (Murphy was never very good at grammar – The sentence ends in a proposition, oop’s, that should be “preposition.” That shows you where my mind is.)

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!

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Senility, Status Quo and Other Non-Famous One-Liners (Should I have said “Infamous One-Liners?) Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments from eGrumps (July 1, 2010)

July 1st, 2010

HAPPY JULY 1 – WE’RE HALFWAY THROUGH 2010 – AND THEN – 2011 – BIG DEAL – I CAN STILL REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE HALFWAY THROUGH 1910 (at least I think it was 1910).

“I am in the prime of senility.” (Stolen by eGrumps from someone older than he is. Hard to believe someone is older than me, and still using the Internet)

Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo.

Prayers are always answered. Unfortunately the answer is usually “NO!”

Famous fortune cookie saying: “You love Chinese food.”

“My wild oats have turned to prunes and all-bran.” (Stolen by eGrumps.)

“Money isn’t everything. There is also VISA, MasterCard, Discover and American  Express. (Also stolen by eGrumps)

“We are what we pretend to be.” (Kurt Vonnegutt, Jr.)
“So?” (eGrumps)

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Murphy’s Obscure Laws (Part One – to be continued eventually – maybe tomorrow) Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – June 30, 2010.

June 30th, 2010

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.

Every man has a scheme that will not work (except for eGrumps).

Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.

eGrumps law of fighting – When your opponent is down, kick him.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

eGrumps law of love: She  who is silent consents.

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Greeting Cards You Never Saw in the Store — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – (from eGrumps) – June 26, 2010

June 26th, 2010

“Congratulations on your wedding day. Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“If I only get one thing for Christmas, I hope it is your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the things you have given me. Like the need for therapy.”

“I must admit you brought religion into my life.l I never believed in Hell before.”

“Congratulations on your new baby. Did you ever find out who the father was?”

“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad.” (available only in Arkansas.)

“Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”

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and eGrumps favorite:

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday – so we are having you put to sleep.”

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Slightly Off-Color One Liners – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – (from eGrumps) -June 21, 2010.

June 21st, 2010

Sorry team, I’ve been out of action for about a week. It’s amazing what one must give up when your spouse is sick. I think my priorities are somewhat screwed up, but she doesn’t think so.

“My dad told me. “Anything worth having  is worth waiting for.” I waited until I was fifteen.”( Zsa Zsa Gabor.)

“Not tonight, Josephine.” (Napoleon)

“It’s not the men in my life that count, it’s the life in my men.” (Mae West)

“A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said “No.” (Woody Allen)

“Seduction is often difficult to distinguish from rape. In seduction, the rapist bothers to buy a bottle of wine.” (Andrea Dworkin)

Sex was a competitive event in those days and the only thing you could take as a certainty was that everyone else was lying, just as you were.” (Bob Geldof)

“Your idea of fidelity was not having more than one man in bed at the same time.” (Fredric Raphel.”

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Laws that are Eternal (and Unnatural) – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments – (from eGrumps) – June 5, 2010

June 5th, 2010

Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

Every person has a scheme that will not work.

The other line moves faster.

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

When the lights are out all women are beautiful, or
When the lights are out, all men are handsome.
“eGrumps, you are never handsome, even with the lights out.” (Mrs. eGrumps)
“What I have to endure Just to publish these comments for the edification of humankind, that excludes Mrs. eGrumps, who last time I looked with the lights on, was not a member of humankind. I couldn’t even start to speculate as to what”kind” she is or what tribe(s) threw her out. I think she must have been scaring the children.” (eGrumps)

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Aging – Old Age Begins When You Start Swapping Meds with your parents. Jokes, Humor and Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) — June 4, 2010

June 4th, 2010

Growing old is not all bad. In fact, it is good karma. Think about it. “I age. Therefore…I…still ….am.

The fundamental flaw in OBamacare is that doctors don’t get paid until you are sick.

Affirmative Action -isn’t.

The definition of a baby boomer is someone who jogs five miles a day but can’t find the energy to take out the garbage.

Atheists make lousy parents because they have no faith in their children.

Optimists age like wine. Pessimists age like milk.

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True Maxims of Life – One Liners — Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments — (from eGrumps) — June 1, 2010

June 1st, 2010

For Information on the 2010 (so far) Award: I’ve Got a Bridge I Want to Sell You – go to www.grumps.com.

Hot damn – It’s June 1 already. I guess I can forget about my New Year’s Eve resolutions – actually, I don’t remember my New Year’s Eve resolutions. Philosophical question – can you intentionally break a new Year’s Eve Resolution, if you don’t remember it? Probably not – you can’t intentionally break it if you don’t know what it was.  Ergo – if someone accuses you of intentionally breaking your New Year’s Eve Resolutions – say you forgot them – and to bug off.

The object is to die young, as late as possible.

When in doubt, predict the present trend will continue.

There are only two problems with people. One is that they don’t think. The other is that they do.

Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

You are not drunk if you can lie an the floor without holding on.

Logic is a systematic way of arriving at the wrong conclusion with confidence.

If it jams force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

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Stress, Opinions and Other Memorable One-Line Jokes (from eGrumps, modest purveyor of one-line jokes) — May 26, 2010

May 26th, 2010

“Sex is a killer.” Want to die happy?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Never confuse having a career with having a life. (“eGrumps, you have neither.” Mrs. eGrumps)

Teenager with nose rings, baggy pants and spike hair to a friend. “I don’t really like dressing this way, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go.”

You have a right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Never say “OOPS.” Always say “Ah, interesting.”

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Check out http://egrumps.com for latest on Pres. Obama, the oil spill, and playing golf.

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Seniors’ Comments – “Old Age Isn’t for Sissies” – Jokes, Humor & Pithy Comments (from eGrumps) – May 25, 2010

May 25th, 2010

T-Shirt message on 96-year old woman at senior’s meeting: “It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember a damn thing.”

Nothing gives a Grandparent more of a chill than when his grandchildren call and ask if he’s made out a will.

An old timer can remember when the air was pure and the sex was dirty.

eGrumps asked Mrs. eGrumps if she thought she could communicate with the dead. Sure, she said, I can hear you quite clearly. If all the money wasn’t in her name, I’d have divorced her years ago.

The  worst thing about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.

There’s no fool like an old fool, unless he’s got money.

They are NOT wrinkles, they’re laugh lines. (“You betcha – I’m all for that!” eGrumps)

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